Timothy McVeigh Finally Dies 21 Years After Daring Escape


It Seems Like Only Yesterday He Tricked Christine McVie InTo Holding His Seat

If you don’t believe me, check out this story originally published shortly before September 11th, another day that changed absolutely nothing in our nation of miserable fucks.


By John Egbert Hoover

The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic

August 23, 2001 06:06:06PM


TERRE HAUTE (YU) – The FBI today revealed that an unauthorized Webcast of the botched crucifixion of Tim McVeigh indicates that the fugitive Diversabomber had an ectoplasmic accomplice who switched McVeigh’s body with that of former Fleetwood Mac member Christine McVie shortly before the first nails were driven through the musician’s bound wrists. 

The most shocking revelation in the FBI’s latest findings is that the Carnivore automated intelligence gathering system responsible for the apprehension and trial (or targeted termination) of several hundred suspected pains-in-the-nation’s tookus, including McVeigh, apparently participated in both the unauthorized broadcast and McVeigh’s embarrassing escape during one of the most watched attempted humiliations of violent dissent aagainst our changing demographics since the firebombing of the Branch Davidian wacko compound in Waco.

Officials who wish to remain anonymous express some concern that Carnivore has begun exhibiting mating behaviors previously unobserved in a sentient computer program. It is particularly disturbing, they say, that the program is apparently smitten with the decorated Gulf War veteran who has amassed a fortune playing games of chance in recent months. McVeigh is reportedly living in Saudi Arabia as a guest of prince Faud.

The headless corpse of programmer Ted Kachingsky, chief architect of the Orwell project and Carnivore’s creator, was found last Tuesday stuffed in a Maytag dryer at the Thunderpussy Lounge and Laundromat in Boulder, Colorado.

Although some reports say a suicide note was taped to the inside of the dryer door, police have remained tightlipped about the case and refused to comment on speculation that Carnivore was involved his Kachingsky’s death. 

McVeigh did not return repeated calls to his rooms at the Rijadh Hilton, and his literary agent is flyfishing in Mongolia and unavailable for comment.

Nor will anyone present during the planned crucifixion of Timothy McVeigh for his role in a botched Oklahoma City bomb disposal demonstration in 1995 consent to even the briefest of interviews. McVeigh’s whereabouts remain unknown.

Prison officials refused to comment on reports that McVeigh was unable to make any final comments in the moments before the botched execution attempt that resulted in the lethal injection to Fleetwood Mac singer because his tongue had been removed by a team of FBI surgeons. 

Forensic experts who examined the copy of the 1875 poem “Invictus" by William Ernest Henley that McVeigh allegedly forced into the hands of Father Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini as he was being strapped onto the ritual gurney say it was  actually written by former president Flipper Reagan who was himself a direct descendant of Henley as are the Wackowski brothers, makers of The Matrix, who have gone into hiding after providing authorities with an original draft of their ancestor's poem which had this curious quatrain in it:

In the foul crotch of circumstance

I did not wince or shoot the moon

So you bludgeoned me you had your chance 

I know the truth there is no spoon

In a closed-door briefing for supply-side secret operatives and liberal journalistic whores, a trained seal who smelled a lot like Nancy Reagan provided the chilling scenario focused on McVeigh’s icy stare during the early moments of the secular sacrifice ritual which triggered a rogue squid cache cadre to disestablish the diversabomber’s molecular structure and replace it with McVie’s supple yet vulnerable flesh.

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