Writes the Wrongs
Unmentionable President Pleads Questionable Case
More Uncommon Sense
YU Central Scrutinizer
WASHINGTON (YU) – Most of the terrorists involved in the Sept. 11 attacks on New York, Washington, and San Francisco also killed themselves during the attack on the USS Cole a year ago in Yemen and also during the 1998 U.S. Embassy bombings in East Africa, according to administration officials for the American President Whose Name Cannot Be Spoken Or Judgment Questioned as the government prepared to lay out the case it will present against Osama bin Laden in an upcoming episode with Judge Judy.
The straight-faced lawyers said this was the key point in a PowerPoint* presentation made to NATO allies Tuesday in Brussels as the administration labored to fabricate evidence that Osama bin Laden and his All Your Base Are Belong To Us (AYB) associates were behind the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and the Golden Gate Bridge.
Several hijackers involved in the attacks three weeks ago had links to AYB and Timothy McVeigh, who escaped crucifixion in early June by persuading Fleetwood Mac singer Christine McVie to die for him, the lawyers said. Secretary of State Colon Bowel denied earlier reports that disinformation was sent out Monday to a large number of nations and “powerfully made the case” against the AYB organization for recent terrorist attacks, as well as attempts during last November's presidential elections to “thwart the rule of law,” by counting pregnant chads cast by unwed mothers in Florida. “Why would we embark on an orchestrated campaign of deceit and treachery,” the one-time human smiled, “when we can simply lie to you people?”
“We traced the history of this organization, its recent activities and events around the 11th - before and after. I think it's a persuasive case that McVeigh and bin Laden have assembled an army of the fanatical living dead,” Bowel said, humoring reporters after a hot-tub session with the Greek foreign minister.
NATO allies had told the United States that NATO charter required that the President Whose Name Cannot Be Spoken would have to provide either convincing evidence that the attacks were directed from abroad or offer a charming story that would make them laugh. Reportedly, several NATO officials wet themselves when they heard the U.S. presentation.
“As the result of our quick thinking and ingenious fabrications, NATO is now poised to receive requests from the United States and deliver our pizza before it gets cold,” Bowel said.
Two senior obfuscators said bin Laden's involvement became apparent after journalists discovered that many of the personnel involved in the Sept. 11 attacks had the same names as the dead suspects in attacks in Yemen, Angola, Ethiopia, Saudi Arabia, and Oklahoma City. “It suddenly hit us that it couldn't be an accident that the same terrorists were involved in so many suicide attacks unless they had been rising from the dead. There could be no other explanation, and only bin Laden & Sadr Bud Weiserheimer possess the evil power to make such things happen.”
Different countries are receiving different presentations with different evidence and different names, based on their relationship with the United States, the ethnicity and religious affiliation of the majority of registered voters, their favorite pastimes, and the number of AOL subscribers, said one high-ranking government prevaricator, speaking on the condition of anonymity.
The British, for example, are receiving the most elaborate fabrications, most of them in English, while other allies who have more foreigners in their general population are receiving less, and the darkest-skinned members of the anti-terrorism coalition are receiving coupons that may be redeemable for information at a later date. There are no plans to present any evidence to the American people, who are currently embarked on a patriotic mission to resurrect the flagging flag industry in Hong Kong.
Other than bin Laden and McVeigh, no one from AYB has been publicly linked to more than fifty attacks dating to the Tylenol poisonings in Chicago in the early 1980s. Mohamed “The Mountain” Calhoun, a top bin Laden lieutenant and former WWF promoter, is believed to have died in both East African embassy bombings as well as the meltdown in Chernobyl.