I Never Called Him A Liar, Professional Ken Doll Impersonator Says

After reports that a caravan of Proud Boys & girls was heading for his home, former Vice President Mike “He’ll Eat Anything” Pence blasted mainstream media coverage of his taped remarks before the Federalist Society where he called former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Russian portapotty Donald J. Turdwaffle “a sometimes Charmanismatic doodyhead whose mind is not quite what it was when he was conceived.”

“If I had known that reporters would convey my words beyond the site at which I had installed them, I would never have consented to opening my mouth,” Pence continued, “and I fully expect you all to act like professionals and tell the big guy you were just kidding when you misquoted me saying he was wrong, when we all know the Pope of Mar-a-Lago is as infallible as the head of the Pedophile Church.”