Faustroll’s Sepulcher

Former White House Press Sec. Throbbing Grisham Confirms What We Suspected About Melania's Oval Orifice Behavior

Thursday, January 20, 2022

She Couldn’t Care Less About The Fucking Christmas DecorationsThe Turdwaffle White House was filled with bad actors portraying all sorts of variations...

Researchers Say Earth's Core May Be Cooling 'More Rapidly Than Expected'

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Repugnicunts Applaud Findings, Claim Global Warming Can Help Reverse Planetary Core CoolingThe virtual ink was barely digitized at the journal Earth...

We Found The One Group Of Americans Who Are Most Likely To Spread Fake News

Saturday, January 15, 2022

One Subset Of Conservative Moderates Illustrates The Idiocy Of Suffering Idiots To De-Moron ThemselvesYeah. What he said.
I never thought I’d say...

Marjoe Faylure Greene Hopes Not To Provoke Another Civil War

Thursday, January 13, 2022

That Is Not My Intention, Says Nimrod NudnikFreshman Rep. Marjoe Faylure Greene (R-Word, GA) belly-flopped into the national news again today when she...

Duke Of York Stripped Of Honorifics

Thursday, January 13, 2022

The Horror, The Horror, Of Losing The Honor, The HonorFormer Prince Andrew Windsor, the one-time Duke Of York, has been ordered to surrender his patronages...

He Has Sliced & Diced The Yahoos

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

With His Terrible Swiftian Sword So The Truth Goes Marching OnAs my uncle Hungry Chuck Bukowski always told me, “Time is made to be wasted,” and what...

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Fighting For Nazi Rights

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

Jews Cannot Cancel Us!Freshman Repugnicunt Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn blasted organizers of a lawsuit to disqualify him for ever again running...

KuklaM*A*S*H Kicks Ass & Calls Names

Friday, January 7, 2022

Says Democrats Don’t Understand Democracy AnymoreAnd here to introduce the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all around malignant asshole,...

US Reports Over 1 Million New Daily COVID Cases As Omicron Surges

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Thousands Gather At Mar-a-Lago Chanting “USA! USA!”An unruly crowd drawn to Florida to celebrate the first anniversary of Antifa Infamy Day on January...

Twitter Divorces Marjoe Faylure Greenhorndog

Sunday, January 2, 2022

Social Media Giant Shuts One Of Georgia Insurrectionist’s Many Pie HolesThe Internet erupted with virtual shouts of “Huzzahs!” today as news broke that...

I've Been Reading A Lot Lately About How Clues Were Missed

Thursday, December 30, 2021

In The Weeks Leading Up To The Failed January 6 Kraken KoupI don’t know about you, but I’ve been kind of worrying about the rise of American Nazis since...

Let's Go Darwin

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

Antifa Accused Of Spreading Anti-Vax Disinformation“It just sounds like something antifa would do,” said Marjoe Faylure Greene when asked why she thinks...

Seventy-Five Percent Of Former Guy's Supporters Says They Will Never Get Vaccine

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Tell Him To Shove His Endorsements Where Sun Don’t ShineRecent polling following the former twice impeached unindicted co-conspirator’s Alternative History...

Andrea Mitchell Denies Being Cloned From Chuck Todd's Facial Merkin

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

She Is Now Convinced Joe Biden Is Hiding Hillary Clinton’s E-Mail Server
Will she ever stop auditioning for a gig at Fox & Friends?

Manchin Family Slaughters Biden's Vision of America Building Back Better

Monday, December 20, 2021

I Would Like To Hope That There Are Still Democrats That Feel Like I DoWhy is there no one to rid us of these suicidally obstructionist shits?

So My Posts About Turdwaffle Actively Working Against The CDC On COVID Weren't Just Idle Speculation?

Friday, December 17, 2021

Of Course They Were; I’m A Speculative HistorianI’ll keep this short.
Is there any crime the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator &...

What Goes Around Is Usually Stupid And Contagious

Monday, December 13, 2021

Here We Are Now, Curt Cobain UsMore & more it seems as if The One Minute President was far more terrifyingly prescient than obvious, which I find increasingly...

Bob Dole: I'm Not In Kansas Anymore

Friday, December 10, 2021

Moves Along Down The Yellow Brick RoadPromises to visit Saturday Night Live as soon as Billie Eilish gets to host.

Japonica Glistens Like Coral In All Of The Neighboring Gardens

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

But Today We Have Shaming Of FartsGod I miss the good old days when we could kick ass & call people names…
But at least we have the Urban Dictionary to...

So Who Exactly Is This Ligi Fuck?

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Beats The Hell Out Of MeThank God for Ted Stevens’ ingenious system of tubes we now call the Interweb where I finally discovered the truth about my ghastly...

Judge Compares QAnon Shaman To Martin Luther King

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Cuts 10 Years Off Maximum SentenceIn an hour-long lovefest between Jacob Shandling, the insurrectionist formerly known as The QAnon Shaman & Judge Rolls...

As My Hearing Continues To Get Worse

Saturday, November 13, 2021

I Prefer Transcripts To PodcastsTranscripts form the backbone of The Epic Of KuklaM*A*S*H, but this post is about a transcript of an Ezra Klein podcast on The...

Abstractly Vapid Ann Coulter Calls Twice-Impeached Clown "Abjectly Stupid"

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

She Already Knew Former President Was Vulgar Narcissist“But I fell for him anyway,” Ann Coulter refused to say.

Trump: "Perverts" Behind Rumors He & Glenn Youngkin Hate Each Other

Monday, November 1, 2021

Former President Stops Short Of Calling Relations A “Love Fest”Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & aspiring Hitler impersonator, Donald...

Imagine That January 6 Was All About Defending American Family Values

Thursday, October 28, 2021

That's The Argument Repugnicunts Are Currently MakingI never much cared for American family values. They seemed to be something to learn from, not foment....

Facebook Reportedly Ready For Fallback Name Change

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Was Faceplant Already Taken?Facebook co-founder & chief muckamuck, Markus Aurelius Zuckerberg has been engaged in non-stop meetings with himself in preparation...

Turdwaffle Says He No Longer Likes Women Peeing On Him

Saturday, October 16, 2021

It’s Called Becoming That Much More Maturity PresidentialStill plagued by anonymous leakers who appreciate some good irony, former twice-impeached unindicted...

Dave Chappelle Continues To Be Short On Fucks

Thursday, October 7, 2021

Wimps Call For CancellationAnd the beat goes on.
The global fuck shortage has yet to lead America’s deadly serious people to reconsider whether...

Clemson Freshman Student Section Responds To Paul Feinbaum

Monday, October 4, 2021

Freshman Cheer Shocks Absolutely No OneThe Baghdad Bob of CNN, Paul Feinbaum, recently decided that Clemson football’s dynasty is over. Feinbaum, who...

Clemson Football Fans Beg Clemson Fans To Stop A Certain Clemson Cheer

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

I Wonder Which One It Could BeAs it turns out, some people are upset about a paw hand gesture some students are making.
Back in my 60s, during rat...

Turdwaffle Blasts New Air Force One Color Scheme

Friday, September 24, 2021

Former Guy Calls Rainbow Flag Design “A Complete & Total Disaster”As America moves on from its regrettable past toward a more inclusive and promising...

An Introduction To Pataphysical Panpsychism

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Go Where No Nads Have Gone BeforeDr. Martin Picard, whose great-great-grandson will one day command the Starship Enterprise, argues that mitochrondia...

Missouri Police Department Shows Itself How To Defund Police

Monday, September 20, 2021

Entire Department Resigns Because Nobody Likes ThemThe community police state in Kimberling City, MO, suddenly collapsed in late August when the city’s...

Dems Tell Repugs To Be Thankful They're Only Taxing The Rich

Thursday, September 16, 2021

We Could Be Demanding To Eat The Rich, Says Deep State StrategistAs Democrats in office finally begin responding to their voters’ demand to dismantle...

Liberals Push To Change Flag Day To Honor LGBTQs

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Offer Cost Efficient Solution To Creating New Queer HolidayIn a move some MAGA supporters consider a slight to the legacy of their hero, former twice-impeached...

Richard Spencer's Hometown Changes Name To Gefiltefish

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

Niggardly Nazi’s Dreams Of An Eternally White Christmas ShatteredBack in 2016, Richard Spencer seemed was rising star in Repugnicunt circles, touted...

Ivermectin Overdose Patients Outnumber Accidental Gunshot Victims In Shit-Hole States

Saturday, September 4, 2021

This Is A Clear & Present Danger To Our Second Amendment RightsDoctors throughout regions of the U.S. predominantly populated by the uneducated and overtly...

Florida Man Charged With Trying To Extort Florida Man

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Matt Gaetz Denies Ever Meeting His WifePun intended.

Ashli Boebert's Family Wants Congressional Medal Of Honor

Friday, August 27, 2021

“She Was An American Heroin,” Neighbors Tell Dissociative PressAshli Boebert, no relation to her sister from Colorado, congressturd Lorena, was shot...

Mike Lindell To Sue Antifa For Cyber Symposium Sabotage

Saturday, August 21, 2021

“Antifa Attacked Me In The Elevator!” Mike Lindell Tells Personal Reporters
Sporting a half inch bruise on his chest, allegedly sustained when he...

Taliban To Host Turdwaffle Reinstatement In Kabul On September 11, 2021

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

“It’s The Least I Can Do,” Says Abdul Ghani BaradarThe Taliban wasted no time Tuesday thanking President Trump & US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo for...

Turdwaffle Incites Alt-White Supporters To Hunt Down Capitol Cop

Thursday, August 12, 2021

“Avenge Ashli Bobbitt!” Obese Former First Nazi ShoutsNot content with inciting one insurrection on his way to a well-deserved jail sentence or public...

I'm Old Enough To Remember When Our Free Press

Saturday, August 7, 2021

Had A Commitment To Something Other Than The Supply-Side Bottom LineNow they just whine & beg for money, like everyone else in the four estates that...

Trump To Pardon January 6th "Peaceful Loving Protestors"

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

"If It’s The First Thing I Do,” President In Exile PromisesWith his reinstatement as president less than 10 days away, Coup Master & all-around son of...

Turdwaffle Throws Self Under The Bus

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

“I’ve Never Heard Of The Guy,” Says Former GuyAttempting to further distance himself from his failed January 6th insurrection, Donald J. Trump went on...

Repugnicunts Dare Scientists To Prove Them Wrong

Monday, August 2, 2021

“We Know Our Known Knowns,” Unnamed Nimrods DeclareAccording to a newly released report from the House Repugnicunt Alternative Certitude Committee, COVID-19...

Someone Made Like A Three-Legged Tool

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Olympic Gold!Please tell me Clare Balding is not her real name. 

The only thing that could have made this better is if the swimmers name was...

In Death As In Life

Friday, July 23, 2021

Gerald R. Ford Continues Tripping Over His SchwantzFormer President Gerald R. Ford is perhaps best known for mentoring Chevy Chase in stand-up & fall...

Dunkin Donuts Is Laughing Behind Our Backs

Monday, July 19, 2021

Are We The Flukes Of A Nudibranch?There is a really interesting article at livescience that goes well with DD coffee loaded with cream & sugar.Here’s...

Game Called On Account Of Sporadic Gunfire

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Cancellation Comes After Two Hour Reload DelayCalling the situation “a travesty,” last night’s game between the Wampee Fallen Warriors & the Honea Path...

Ways This Pataphysical Web Site Is Way Better Than Twitter

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

The World Needs More Anti-Social Pro-Socialist Media
I break the rules here even before I make them.
I get as much engagement as on Twitter...

US Bureau Of Mimes Shutters Intern Program

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Another Casualty Of The #MeToo MovementAlthough some are blaming the demise of the mime intern program on improper branding identity politics efforts...

Fox News AntiFaxxers Tilt At Whirling Durbin Windbag

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Carlson Goes Down Ingraham’s Cracker SnapperAs the Delta variant of the Democrat coronavirus hoax lays seige to the nimrod states, Democrats are calling...

Mo Brooks Sued By Fans Of Comedy

Saturday, July 10, 2021

“Not Funny,” Says Audience Member Dressed Like TurnipAfter exhorting his Army Of The Uneducated at the 2021 Conservative Political Action Conference...

The Worst Things In Life Are Also Free

Friday, July 9, 2021

Pluck That Magic Twanger, FroggyOriginally posted to some place or other on or about September 24, 2004.You can never tell when some stupid cocksucker...

@DoctorFaustroll Joins Turdwaffle Suit Against Twitter

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

“I’m As Right Wing As They Come,” Says Pataphysical Old FartCiting his ongoing battle with the Twits at Twitter, @DoctorFaustroll today threw his considerable...

NRA Claims Most Gun Deaths Are Vaccine-Related

Monday, July 5, 2021

“We Need More Testing To Establish Root Cause” Says Uninformed SourceCiting rising vaccination numbers that correspond to an increase in gun-related...

Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones

Sunday, July 4, 2021

But Words Can Get Me CanceledNot that I’ve ever given a fuck.
I continue to embrace no commonly held opinions.
I insist on not believing anything,...

Trump Pardons Cosby

Thursday, July 1, 2021

Castor Pours Oil On #MeToo FireThe former twice-impeached president alternative tweeted today that “Congratulations, Bill. I never promised you & Fat...

Q-Anon Charmin Set To Prove His Incompetence

Saturday, June 26, 2021

“I May Look Dumb,” Cosplay Nebbish Insists, “But I'm No Idiot!”Garry Jacob Changling, better known as the fur-clad, barechested, horned accountant who...

What Does Not Kill Me Makes Me Fart

Friday, June 25, 2021

But I’m Willing To Be Proven Wrong

God, I Can't Wait For The Next Pandemic

Monday, June 21, 2021

There Were Entirely Too Many assholes At My Crabbing Spot TodayThey were letting their dogs & kids run free in a roped-off protected snowy plover exclusion...

I Must Be Losing My Grift

Friday, June 18, 2021

#PundyRaunch Sincerely Regrets To Inform You We clearly missed a golden opportunity to give new meaning to the phrase “The Snyder Cut” in that post about...

Zack Snyder Claims Batman Eats Pussy

Friday, June 18, 2021

Maybe That’s How COVID Jumped From Species To SpecistYep, I remain banned on Twitter for mocking our nation of miserable fucks & feckless cunts, but...

Uh-Oh Maybe It Wasn't Wuhan Labs

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Infections Surge Where Chinese COVID Vaccines Are UsedMaybe the former guy was onto something when he said: “We can’t let the cure be worse than the...

Netanyahoo Blasts Biden For Rigging Israeli Elections

Sunday, June 13, 2021

Bilious Bibi Claims Ouster “Worse Than Holocaust”Self-proclaimed senior war gigolo & highest-ranking honorary Israeli Nazi, Benjamin “Benjy” Netanyahoo...

Feds Shoot Man For Laughing At Anthrax Hoax

Friday, June 11, 2021

Uncommon Sense Pataphysical MetaNews Service 
Oct 16 2001 01:01:33AM
WASHINGTON (PMS) — Declaring that preparations undertaken to combat bioterrorism...

What If It Turns Out Things Are Very Broken

Monday, June 7, 2021

And The Last Guys Who Knew How To Fix Things Were Slaughtered At Normandy?Another unanswered question from #PoorDickHeadsAlmanac.

Unmentionable President Pleads Questionable Case

Sunday, June 6, 2021

More Uncommon Sense Rueban Sano
YU Central Scrutinizer

WASHINGTON (YU) – Most of the terrorists involved in the...

If You Do The Same Thing Again & Again To Demonstrate The Obvious

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Life Will Continue To Mean Absolutely NothingDon’t blame me when I state that the obvious is or are obvious.
Why anyone expects his or her problems...

Missing Dinosaur Found Inside Shooting Victim

Friday, May 28, 2021

Car Wash Autopsy Find Shocks Scientist
Doctor Faustroll
Senior Car Wash Editor
Simonized Metadata Servicing

Gay Islamic Zombies Join Sadr Budweiser Insurgents

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Jorge Humberto Romero
Foreign Correspondent
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Sacrament


Turdwaffle Vows To Challenge Asian Anti-Hate Bills

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

62 #Repugnicunts Vote Their Lack Of Consciences
Even before President Biden signs The COVID-19 Hate Crimes Act into law, former Insurrectionist...

Many People Are Asking

Monday, May 17, 2021

“Dr. Faustroll,” They Ask, “What’s Got Into You?”I’m old enough to remember when “Shivers” was called “They Came From Within,” & this was the poster...

Schindlers Demand New Autopsy; Schiavo Hauls Ash; Administration Issues Arrest Warrant

Monday, May 17, 2021

Joe Bob Mangler
Forensics Desk
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service


U.S. Tells North Korea To Enter into Itself

Sunday, May 9, 2021

Biblically SpeakingLee Poebouy
Expatriate Alcoholism Editor
Pataphysical Antiganda Syndicate

Loyal Republicans Scurry Away From Ted Stevens’ Light

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics October 28, 2008 
As Dan O’Neill often said: Politics is poopadoodle, which makes it easy...

War, Then, Open Or Understood, Must Be Resolvéd

Thursday, May 6, 2021

Doctor Faustroll Would Rather Fool Around In Hell Than Bend Over In Twitter’s Hot Plate HeavenDidn’t take long for the Twitter TrussBuddies to respond...

Nation Braces For Police Riots Following Verdict

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Chauvinists Decry Cancel Culture Witch Hunt“Hello, caller, you’re on the line with the Mr. Pillow Guy!”“Thanks for taking my call, Mike!”“Don’t thank...

What Does Not Kill Me Makes Me Fart

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Pataphysics, Phyddling About February 2, 2009
This can, of course, prove lethal to you, because...

Terrorist Arrested In Reagan Plot

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Joe Sacco
Security Analyst
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service

Octuplet Doctor Sued By Marvel Comics For Copyright Infringement

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phyddling About February 7, 2009
In yet another stunning development in the bizarre...

Doc Ock And Octomom Deny Bile Farm Involvement

Monday, April 12, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phleghmish Masters, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 10, 2009
A spokeslawyer for...

Ohmigod! It’s Time To Do Something Drastic!

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phynality, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 10, 2009
I just received several...

North Korea Tell U.S. To Fuck Off

Saturday, April 10, 2021

Lee Poebouy
Expatriot Alcoholism Editor
Pataphysical Antiganda Syndicate
SEOUL, South Korea...

St. Ballantine’s Day

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phynality, Sedition February 14, 2009
It’s great being an imaginary Catholic....

How To Lose Friends

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics February 15, 2009
I wrote a column for a little literary magazine 30 or 40 years ago that...

Special Prosecutor Urged to Probe Bill Clinton Involvement in Economic Collapse

Sunday, April 4, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Invective, Kommerce and Kulchur, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 16,...

Obamination: The Retrospective

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 19. 2008
As the extremely late...

Frankly, Scarlett, I Don’t Really Give a Sinatra

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Sedition February 17 2009
One of my former co-conspirators punked Poets and Writers,...

I've Been Asked To Take a Time Out

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics on February 18, 2009
I’m sorry, but I can’t mention the name of the person or persons who...

Obamination: The Quickening

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition Februry 21, 2009
Our story thus far:...

Obamination: The Pre-Inauguration Weaks

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Easy Does ItOriginally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 21, 2009
Part three in a never-ending...

Obamination: Select all and delete forever

Monday, March 29, 2021

Published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics February 23,2009
Reality check: The world is not your apple. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom precludes...

Octomom vows to birth on

Monday, March 29, 2021

More Than 7 Deadly SinnersPublished by drfaustroll under Blather, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes February 24, 2009
To strains of I am...

Bush calls dibs on British brain

Monday, March 29, 2021

The Slice Of BrainPublished by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 25, 2009
I recently...

Another Well-Trodden Path

Monday, March 29, 2021

Another item rescued from the vault.Footwear Futures Soar As Bush Ponders Lip-Synch TourOriginally ublished by drfaustroll under Invective,...

Just When You Thought

Monday, March 29, 2021

It Was Time To Think Something, Fuck...
…if I wasn't suddenly reminded of a joke I didn’t get the first time I heard it because I was in elementary...

NPR Mail Art?

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Something SavedSometimes an email message is just an email template lost in the ether.

Shiitake Hits Fan Base

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Chick Korea Joins Asian Fusion BandSEOUL, South Korea (PAS) —  North Korea said Monday that a huge shiitake shaped cloud seen near its border with China...

Released Prisoners Shot While Trying To Complain

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Marcus D. Sadr
Bonded Disciplinary Critic
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service



Thursday, March 25, 2021

The MeMe GenerationA sphincter’s worth will sometimes launch a million turds.

Drunken Elephants Bang Paris Hilton Train

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

Billy Katzinsakiswinkle
Essential Existential
Editor Fabulous Information Bureau


I Was Lost Until Some FuckHead Found Me

Sunday, March 21, 2021

Where Is Anti-Social Media When We Need It?I am about to randomly select a piece from the archives. It may be funny. It may be silly. It can never be...

Just like starting over

Thursday, November 5, 2020

I Am Justice And I Write The Wrongs
I’ve been a lie foreverAnd I wore the very first thongI put the turds and the punishments togetherI am justice...