Tweets from Cassandra Widdershin's Blood Lion

Are We There Yet?

Wednesday, August 30, 2023

And If So, As Uncle Vinnie Price So Often Asked: “What Place Is This?"It appears that I have been a little too optimistic about catastrophic supply-side...

I Apologize For My Recent Absence From These Cave Walls

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

I Was Suffering From FOMO & Thinking That Elon’s Tender Titter Reinstatement Or The Plantation Economy’s Slovenly Substack Could Feed My Troglodyte JonesBut...

Americans Proud Of Their Stupidity

Thursday, March 23, 2023

There’s Nothing In The Ten Commandments Or The Constitution That Says Anyone Needs To Be Smart To Pass Gas Through The Eye Of A NeedleThat’s why I’ll...

He Gets Us PAC Touts Record Tithing

Thursday, February 16, 2023

We’ll Make America A Great Christian Country Again Real Soon NowThe antiquity trafficking sponsored non-profit also admits that in the months prior to...

Brian Walshe Searched Google On How To Become A Repugnicunt

Thursday, January 19, 2023

Contingency Planning Is Crucial To Staying In The Game In Our Nation Of Miserable Fucks#MAGA

George DeSantos (R-Word, NY) Promises To Resign...

Sunday, January 15, 2023

…Once Every One Of The 142,000 George DeSantoses Who Voted For Me Shows Their IDs“I worked as a bouncer at a gay bar owned by the Rev. Dr. Rodney Luther...

Is There No One To Nominate That Meddlesome George DeSantos For Transexual Jew-ish Spritzer Of The House?

Friday, January 6, 2023

It Seems Like A Perfect Opportunity For The God Of You Choice To Weigh In On Whether Democracy Has Become So Messy Our Nation Of Miswrble Fucks Has Run...

George DeSantos Nominates Gabrito Pussolini To Be House Speaker

Wednesday, January 4, 2023

“We Need New Leadership,” Lying Criminal Asshole Proclaims
“We must take back our country from the woke mob that refuses to accept our realities,”...

Trump Invites Patriots Back To Capitol For Second Anniversary Observance Of Ashli Boebert Martydom

Sunday, January 1, 2023

It Will Be Even Wilder! Reads Sign On Side Of #AltWhite Van Parked Outside Mar A LagoWhat?
You were expecting the obvious?
Isn’t that obvious?

Why Did The IRS Neglect To Audit Trump During His First Two Years In Office?

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

“He Told Us He Was Already Being Audited,” Says Unnamed AgentApparently former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Nazi DNA super-spreader...

Someone Just Told Me Climate Change Is A Hoax

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

I Said “Maybe For You, Right Now, But Give It A Couple Of Months, Bitch…"Is our nation of miserable fucks so incapable of basic critical thinking that...

And The Beast Plods On

Friday, December 9, 2022

The Beast Plods On

Hershel Walker Claims His Penis Was Kidnapped By Terrorists

Monday, December 5, 2022

How I Get All Them Ladies In The Pudding Club Wif No Penis? Candidate Asks Gay Interviewer With A Straight FaceWe are currently bracing for a well-earned...

Old Rummy Reagan Prepared Nation of Miserable Fucks For Mourning In America

Sunday, December 4, 2022

I Told You SoReligious stupidity is an essential building block of #AmericanFamilyValues.
Don’t ever forget it.

Elon's Musk Too Much For Liberal Bitches

Monday, November 28, 2022

“I Ain’t No Uppity Incel!” Tweets World’s Richest DumbfuckGrimes would neither confirm nor deny what I just typed in opposition to the specious idea...

Kari Lake Could Give Colin Jost A Real Run For His Money Over Who Has The More Punchable Face

Friday, November 18, 2022

But She’s Currently Trying To Out Grabito Grabito Pussolini Like You Wouldn’t BelieveI’m pretty sure Flannery O’Connor was gazing into the future when...

You Know Sometimes Among All These Old Law & Religion Books The really Good Stuff To Read Gets Lost

Saturday, November 12, 2022

Not That Everything You Read Is Really Worth A ShitMy favorite writers understood how worthless they are. Pound, Vonnegut, and Bukowski are the same...

Grabito Pussolini Congratulates Hershel Walker On "Unbelievable Win"

Thursday, November 10, 2022

Suggests O. J. Simpson Be Walker's Vice-Senator In December Run-Off“This could be a campaign like no one has ever seen before, not even Frederick Douglas,...

Incels Claim Trannies Are Making Out Like Bandits

Sunday, November 6, 2022

"Vote Like The Supply Chain For Your Antibacterial Lubiderm Depends Upon It,” Says Steve BannonSurely I’m not the only itinerant cave painter in our...

Which Reaganite Whiteys Are Behind Those Fear-Mongering Halloween Candy Myths?

Monday, October 31, 2022

Why Can’t I Paint All These GOP Nimrods With The Same Assholish Brushstrokes?#ExistentialTrickQuestions for you American Deceptionalists.

GOP Senate Candidate Herschel Walker Denies Accusation He Paid For Girlfriend's Abortion In 2009; Threatens Suit

Tuesday, October 4, 2022

She Signed A Non-Disclosure AgreementStaunch ally of all that is stupid in America, Georgia’s best GOP candidate for the Senate, Herschel Walker blasted...

Pussolini Calls NY AG Jigaboo James But AI Saves His Fat White Ass

Saturday, September 24, 2022

Hey, What Can I Say?What good is living if you can't call a spade a spade?
#TheTerribleSwiftianSword at #PundyRaunch

Hillary Clinton Volunteers For Special Master Review

Monday, September 12, 2022

It’s The Least I Can Do To Show My appreciation For The Rule Of Lawyers#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

Trump Credits Another Perfect Phone Call For Judge Aileen Luce Cannon Decision

Wednesday, September 7, 2022

Repugnicunt Obstruction Expands To Include Judiciary#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

FBI Gearing Up To Raid Remaining Trump Properties Searching For Stolen Documents

Wednesday, August 31, 2022

Foreign Governments Are Refusing To Return Secret Stuff He Sold Them Without Reimbursement“We paid top dollar for those secrets,” says attorney for Russian...

Uneducated Pro-Trump Kochsuckers Blast Biden Loan Forgiveness Demanding Equal Rights For Antivax Illiterate Whites

Friday, August 26, 2022

We Bought Cars & Manufactured Homes Instead Of Some Uppity Education“If I had knowed four years ago that being stupid was trending among qualities that...

Nazi Kochsuckers Who Regularly Rig Elections Complain About Niggers, Spics, Kikes, LGBTQs, & Pataphysicians Refusing To Give Up

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

If God Meant For Democracy To Give The Heathens A Fair Shake, Why Did He Put Us In Charge? Palefaced Moderates Ask#ExistentialTrickQuestions

Trump's Legal Team Asks For 'Special Master' To Go Through Mar-A-Lago Evidence And Determine If Some Should Be Returned

Monday, August 22, 2022

Rule Of Lawyers Argue Failed Führer's Signature Is Worth Millions On Collector’s MarketThat supply-side plantation economy’s meat is sure hard to beat....

Sen. Lindsey Graham Granted Temporary Delay For Ga. Grand Jury Testimony

Sunday, August 21, 2022

Graham Undergoes Emergency Colonoscopy To Remove Foreign-Funded Election Interference Evidence From His Ample Buttocks“Whew,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham...

Uneducated American Shitheads Vow To Teach The Rest Of Us A Lesson

Thursday, August 18, 2022

This Land Belongs To Me And Trump's Good Buddies, Sings Woodenheaded GuthrieI never thought I’d live to see a planetary extinction marketed as a spectator...

MAGAts Swarm FBI Offices After Raid On Mar A Lago To Free The Classified Nuclear Hostages

Sunday, August 14, 2022

You Can’t Treat Our Führer This Way, You Commie Rat Bastards!As the liberal media struggles to escape the perception of marginally sentient Americans...

So Tell Me Again

Thursday, August 11, 2022

What’s So Bad About Living In Sin?

Why Is It Whenever A Civilization Is Suitably Warned Of Its Imminent Collapse That It Blames Barbarians At The Gate For Any Consequences It Dismisses As 'Alarmist?'

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

You Should Have Seen The Shit In The Dinosaur TimesHow stupid are you?
Do you believe in God?
Has He told you to do anything crazy lately in His...

GOP & Former Failed Führer Call FBI Warrant A Witch Hunt

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

FBI Tells Nazis To “Go Listen To Billy The Mountain”
For those Nazis out there too dumb to use Google, here’s the song in all its uncommonly sensible...

Trump Promises To Make Kyle Rittenhouse Acting Head Of Homeland Security

Sunday, August 7, 2022

Once I’m Reinstated Things Are Going To Change Around HereClimate scientists have begun rooting for the end of the world, saying “I’d rather be dead...

Nazi News Media Accuses Xiphoid Nancy Of Goading China Into World War Whoopee!!!

Saturday, August 6, 2022

I Love WOTD More Than WordleToday’s word is xiphoid.
Consider it my gift to you.

EXCLUSIVE: Cassidy Hutchinson Stayed On Trump Payroll For 9 Weeks After He Left The White House, Government Records Show

Friday, August 5, 2022

Entire After-Tax Amount Was Contributed To SAVE America PACThe Department of Justice this morning could neither confirm nor deny a possible investigation...

Jizzlane Maxwell Moved To Mar A Lago Medium Security Prison

Sunday, July 31, 2022

Former President Converts Resort To Penal Colony
Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & America’s answer to harnessing the widespread...

Wing Nut Blames Same-Sex Marriage For Husband Waving Penis Around

Tuesday, July 26, 2022

All This LGBTQ Vegan Nonsense Is Undermining Macholinity
Freshman Rep. Lorena Balzac-Boebert (R-Word, CO) joined conservative podcast cunt Sorry Charlie...

NRA Retools Slogan In Innovative Indiana Mall Massacre Marketing Campaign

Monday, July 18, 2022

The Only Thing That Stops A Bad Young Hoodlum With A Gun Is A Slightly Older Good Samaritan With A Gun"It’s almost biblical in its simplicity,” Sylvia...

Select Committee Issues Subpoena For Secret Service Records Relating To January 6 Capitol Attack

Saturday, July 16, 2022

Trump Calls It Conservative Presidential Harassment; Threatens Suit To Stop Release
Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & only US president...

Repugnicunts Demand Protection Under Endangered Ideologies Act

Tuesday, July 12, 2022

It’s In One Of Turdwaffle’s #AmericaFirst Executive OrdersAs the yellow journalists continue to predict “a complete and total bloodbath” for the Democrats...

I See Tylenol Is Trending On Twitter

Sunday, July 10, 2022

I Used To Publish As ‘The Tylenol Kid’I still have an Osama Bin Laden Facebook account. I was Timothy McVeigh after I inveigled a way to accidentally...

Boris Johnson To Replace Turdwaffle & Son On Truth Social Board

Saturday, July 9, 2022

It’s Just Until This Dreadful Hullaboo Blows Over, Says Deflated Pompous Windbag
When former British Prime Minister, Boris The Spider Johnson (R-Word,...

Then Go Home And Check Yourself

Thursday, July 7, 2022

You’ll Think He’s Singing About Someone ElseBut you’re plastic, people, and baby you’re still such a drag.

Flawed Oxygen Readings May Be Behind Covid-19’S Toll On People Of Color

Tuesday, July 5, 2022

And There’s Better Than Even Odds Systemic Racism In Healthcare Is Behind That HeadlineBut we’ll never know, will we? Because free access to information...

Happy Forts of July

Monday, July 4, 2022

Body Armor Optional#OnWithTheBodyCount

Trump Says Hutchinson Testimony Explains Missing Presidential Gifts

Friday, July 1, 2022

They Are No Longer In My Possession So Talk To My Agent; The White House Is Insured By Social SecurityTwice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & some...

Texas To Consider Making SCOTUS Roe Decision Retroactive To 1973

Wednesday, June 29, 2022

God Is Obviously On Our Side, Gov Bud Abbott Tells Frothing SupportersCiting Associate Justice Sam The Sham Alito’s argument that Roe should never have...

Boebert Wrongly Claims Gatling Guns Existed When Second Amendment Written

Monday, June 27, 2022

Says The Tommy Gun Was Named For Jefferson
Freshman Rep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) appeared on Capitol Report over the weekend to call President...

Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Colin Kaepernick

Monday, June 27, 2022

Should Not Have Been Fired For Taking A Knee In Deference To “Shit-Hole God”Writing for the Nazi majority, Dissociative Justice Clarence “Pube Boy” Thomas...

Claim: White American Lawmakers Among Dumbest Lifeforms On Planet

Sunday, June 26, 2022

Fact Check By The Law Of AveragesIn recent weeks, The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat (PPOCLL) has received numerous anonymous...

Fresh Off Their Supreme Court Forced Labor For Reluctant Mothers Victory, Nazis Set Sites On Outlawing Anything They Don't Like At The State Level

Saturday, June 25, 2022

#IToldYouSoI have good news and bad news about the current state of our nation of miserable fucks. In keeping our great white tradition of not fixing...

Nobel Sold For Ukrainian Kids Shatters Record At $103.5M

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Anonymous Bidder Dies In Gruesome Golf Course AccidentFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & the best Hitler we can afford these days, Donald...

Will Donald Trump face John Adams justice or Frank Zappa justice?

Monday, June 20, 2022

That Was Another Actual Headline
The entire bit about Zappa in the post was is quote: “America is a nation of laws, poorly written and randomly enforced.”


Juneteenth Is At Risk Of Losing Its Meaning

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Trump Solicits Funds For Proposed Juneteenth Golf Tournament In Conjunction With Saudi Our LIVs Matter FoundationSeriously?
You're expecting what,...

Boebert Denies Being Hooker

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Vows To Sue American Muckrakers For Exposé
GOP freshman congresswoman Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) vowed to take action against an antifa-aligned PAC...

Judge J. Michael Luttig Declares America Is At War Against Nazi Tendencies

Thursday, June 16, 2022

Rejects Calls For Arms Embargo To Cut Off Supplies To Insurrectionist MilitiasFormer federal circuit judge J. Michael Luttig (R-Word, retired) was nominated...

Several Potential School Shooters Shot Before They Could Buy Guns

Monday, June 13, 2022

We’ve Heard The Concerns For Parental Rights After UvaldeThe liberal mainstream right-wing media is trying to avoid investigating reports of multiple...

What's The Superlative Beyond Dumb, Dumber, & Dumbest?

Saturday, June 11, 2022

Is It American?#ExistentialTrickQuestions

It's About Your Stupidity, Stupid

Monday, June 6, 2022

Somebody Has To Say ItIt’s clear that if there is a God, He has one sick sense of humor seeing as He created this heavily-armed & sanctimonious suicidal...

Jury Calls Durham Case Pure Bull

Friday, June 3, 2022

40 Year Effort To Get Hillary Clinton Ends With Pathetic Whimpering From Feckless Right Wing Noise Machine#IToldYouSo
Need I say more?

Monica Lewinsky Says Everyone Is Guilty In Johnny Depp's Misheard Trial

Wednesday, June 1, 2022

Suggests She’d Sue Andy Warhol For Misrepresentation If He Wasn’t Dead“It’s amazing how long 15 minutes of fame can last,” former White House intern...

Lorena Boebert: 'When 9/11 Happened, We Didn't Didn't Ban The TSA"

Saturday, May 28, 2022

But Progressives Still Want To Defungible Our Hero CopsRep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) was forced to tweet her opposition to the Uvalde “liberal kneejerk...

On With The Second Amendment Body Count

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Imagine If There Was Some Way To Regulate Who Gets To Engage In A Mass ShootingMaybe make it a requirement for gun ownership that only people who admit...

Megyn Kelly Rips Media For Blaming Tucker Carlson For Buffalo Shooting

Thursday, May 19, 2022

Denialist Racist Podcaster Says She Deserves More CreditNoting that she’s been denigrating black people since “before Tucker stopped wearing his bow...

Madison Cawthorn Loses His Ass In Congress After 2 Years Of Fucking Around In Elected Orifice

Wednesday, May 18, 2022

You Won’t Have This Helms On Wheels To Kick Around AnymoreAshli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word,NC), the youngest dumb flaccid member of Congress, whose...

'Completely Unfair': Marjorie Taylor Greene Complains About Reputation For Being 'Unintelligent'

Monday, May 16, 2022

I Have A Lot Of Other Things Going For Me Besides Being Stupid Marjoe WhinesRep Marjoe Faylure Gumpreene (R-Word, GA) pinned the blame on the “donkey...

God Returns To Earth With A Vengeance

Sunday, May 15, 2022

I Heard Your Prayers, Supreme Diety Says, And Here I Am To Stand My Ground & DeliverFaced with withering criticism of His recent disregard for His most...

Family Claims Mom’s Ashes Spell Out Emotional Message For Them On Surface Of Water: ‘Chills All Over’

Saturday, May 14, 2022

Dad Always Told Us She Was A Real Bitch But This Was Next Level DickishnessProving that there is nothing better than a brutal burn to liven up a funeral,...

If Life Is So Precious

Friday, May 13, 2022

Why Do So Many Of These So-Called Precious Lives Act So Badly To One Another?Is this your only daily #ExistentialTrickQuestion?
What a horrible life...

An Occasional Reminder

Thursday, May 12, 2022

Music Remains The Best
I know where the time goes. Right down the toilet with everything else.
As my old dead buddy Hungry Chuck Bukowski always...

Recently I Was Asked If I Ever Regretted Being Crass And Lower Class

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

I Must Admit It Gave Me PauseAfter all, who wants to be remembered as just another Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn?

Biden Names First Black And LGBT White House Press Secretary

Thursday, May 5, 2022

Fox Calls Move A Slap In The Face To Kayleigh MAGAninnyIf the right-[proudly uneducated]-wing seems particularly butt hurt over the Psaki bush-smacking...

Boy, I'm Glad I Wasn't Born Black Or With A Vagina

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

The Good Times Of American Family Values Are Killing Everyone But Me!So much for empathy!
I am so glad to have been born late enough in human devolution...

Trump Defends Nebraska Gubernatorial Candidate Facing Groping Allegations

Monday, May 2, 2022

Groping, You Sure It Wasn’t Grabbing? Asks Grabito PussoliniFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and shameless bottom-feeding cornhole addict...

People Used To Ask Me Why I Was So Negative Or Unhappy Or Angry

Friday, April 29, 2022

Mostly Because I Used To Interact With ThemI won’t make that mistake again.

DeSantis Slams Disney For Negotiating Great Terms In 1960s

Thursday, April 28, 2022

The Mouse Fucked Us In Advance, Florida’s Favorite Führer WhinesSaying he didn’t know why he should be bound by terms of a legal agreement between Disney...

Now That Elon Has Bought Twitter Maybe I Should Appeal My Eternal Suspension One Last Time

Monday, April 25, 2022

It’s Like My Life Is Meaningless Without It & Deserving Of Social Compensation!*I’ve been waiting patiently for my 1,291,478th slot to open up at Troop...

Trump Blasts France Election Results Claiming LaPen Should Be His Running Mate In 2024

Sunday, April 24, 2022

There’s No Way A 56-42 Margin Isn’t Rigged“I wouldn’t concede if I was her,” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and man who was crestfallen...

Freedumb Trucker Tucker Carlson Freaks Out Over Obama's Disinformation Speech

Saturday, April 23, 2022

Could The Former Black President Be A Full-Blown Fascist Who Hates You? Alternative Gay Bob Doll AsksLess than 24 hours after a former president who...

Our Zero Tolerance Culture Is About To Kill The Entire Planet

Friday, April 22, 2022

I Just Want To Cancel All Of Contemporary CivilizationI’m pretty sure it takes a hell of a lot more guts doing it in your teens or early twenties, but...

Empathy Is America's Latest Pet Rock

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

What A Nation Of Miserable Fucks That Has Such Nimrods In ItI’ve come to the conclusion that America’s current addiction to blaming every failing of...

Tucker Carlson's Cult Of Testicle Tanners Terrorize Local Beaches

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Tupperware Announces Stainless Steel Scotum Scissors That Free Your Bad Boys To Dance In The Sunshine And Laugh Every day
America’s favorite #ExistentialTrickQuestion,...

If I Had It All To Do Over Again

Monday, April 18, 2022

I Would Have Opted For A Career As A Cave Painter CriticI’m sure there was an MFA program somewhere I could have adapted into some weird second major.

Who's Dreaming Of A White Easter?

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Yeast Is Risen! We’re In The Dough, Raimi#PundyRaunch rises again!

Putin Denies Involvement In Brooklyn Subway Attack

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

Must Be Ukraine Comedians Again! Says GOPAuthorities say their focus was immediately fixed on Russian mass murderer Vlad “The Impudent” Putin in connection...

The Greatest Thing About Life Is How Complete It Is

Friday, April 8, 2022

Life Doesn’t Need Us Or Our Proud StupidityThat’s why there are so many Gods around to negotiate the stupid shit humans pretend is so important to keep...

Judge Kitani Samwise Jackson Confirmed To Supreme Court Despite All The Honkies

Wednesday, April 6, 2022

Crackers Decry Cancel Culture As Alleged Black Bitch Dons A Decidedly Non-Klan RobeThe thing I’m most looking forward to in the next eight years is the...

Can Computers Learn Common Sense?

Tuesday, April 5, 2022

That’s The Subject Line Of Today’s E-Mail From The New YorkerI sure as fuck hope not. Have you seen what common sense has done to this planet?

Have You Seen Our New Trump Was So Right Stickers?

Monday, April 4, 2022

Don’t Fall For Chinese KnockoffsI got the idea from an e-mail I found in one of my many Nazi junk mail folders from the greasy-looking goombah son of...

Will Smith Resigns From Academy After “Inexcusable” Actions At Oscars

Saturday, April 2, 2022

Mulls 2024 Run For White House As Moderate RepugnicuntAs the backlash over his sucker-slapping of comedian Kid Rock onstage at the Oscars slowly sloshes...

Trump Mocked For Lengthy Official Statement Boasting About Grabbing A Hole In One Hand

Wednesday, March 30, 2022

Former Twice-Impeached Unindicted Co-Conspirator Claims He Holed Fresh Pussy In One Small Grab For Mankind While Joking With Pros At His Florida Sex...

U.S. Runs Out Of Money To Pay Providers To Treat Uninsured COVID-19 Patients

Monday, March 28, 2022

They Were Warned. They Were Given Ample Explanation. Nevertheless, They Persisted.If you’re uninsured and get COVID, experts are now recommending that...

Rep. Madison Cawthorn Tells Audience: 'I Don't Have A Whole Lot Of Wisdom'

Saturday, March 26, 2022

“And You Don’t Seem To Have A Lick Of sense Either,” Admonished Elderly GrandmotheFar right testicle Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC)...

If No One Else Is Wearing A Mask, Should You?

Friday, March 25, 2022

These Are The Kinds Of Questions The Dumbest Dinosaurs Ask Each Other As They Go Extinct#IToldYouSo, you feckless cunts so consumed with running the...

NASA Has Found More Than 5,000 Planets Outside Of Our Solar System

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

Nearly All Are Already Owned By Supply-Side Plantation OwnersNASA has identified more than 5,000 planets  in the general neighborhood just outside our...

Politics Is Poopadoodle And History Is Bunk According To Repugnicunts

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

That Is All Ye Know Of American Family Values And All Ye Need To KnowReading the bullshit that passes for news these days, it has become crystal clear...

Dementia Linked To Premature Menopause In Women, Study Says

Thursday, March 17, 2022

There’s One More Thing We Can Thank Women ForWhew! For a second there my head was swmming. I thought they said premature ejaculation.

New COVID Mutation Causes Spontaneous Erections

Thursday, March 17, 2022

The Epsischlong Variant Has America By The Short Hairs In A Hard PlaceRepugnicunt lawmakers today declared the Democrat Coronavirus Kung-Flu Hoax officially...

People's Convoy Demands That Congress End Climate Change

Wednesday, March 16, 2022

That Would Be A Real Win-Win For All Of Us Really Good AmericansCapitol Hill police have been preparing for weeks for the truckers of Turdwaffle’s “Freedumb...

Trump Rejects 'Ridiculous' Story That He's Using Campaign Funds For A New 'Trump Force One' Plane

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Suggests One Of The Kids Maybe Did ItLess than 48 hours after a plane carrying former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and America’s favorite...

America! Say It Ain't Joe McManchin...

Monday, March 14, 2022

West Virginia’s Favorite Oligarch Needs to Go To HellI suspect the founding fathers never intended for some small-minded evil little senatorial twit...

Cawthorn Claims Police Harassment

Thursday, March 10, 2022

Outlaw Lawmaker Arrested Again For Driving Without A LicenseRep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) slammed the North Carolina State Highway...

New York Times Says They Will Block Wordle Cheaters

Monday, March 7, 2022

No More Mr. & Mrs. All The Nice News to Fit Your Pedestrian ViewsFollowing reports that thousands of Tik Tok Teens have been selling the daily solutions...

You Want To Know How To Learn To Write Like Me?

Thursday, March 3, 2022

There’s No Big Secret To Success If You Choose To Avoid ItI may have graduated from Clemson with honors, because of a second half rally for the record...

Antifa Denies Reponsibility In Freedumb Convoy Attacks

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Organizers Of SOTU Trucker Blockade in DC Complain Of Democrat Sabotage To Thwart Freedom Loving PatriotsCiting sky-rocketing prices at the pump that...

Would You Pay $10 A Month To Join The Cancelled Club?

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

For Some Reason My Ideas Seldom Make Me Any MoneyDo you think I need to engage with the occasional spelunker who stumbles across these digital cave paintings? 

'Of Course He Would': Fiona Hill Dishes On Putin And Plutonium

Monday, February 28, 2022

He’s Acting Just Like Trump But He Still Has Nukes!Veteran foreign affairs analyst Fiona Boonisfarne Apple-Hill said “I told you so,” this morning when...

Man Killed For Cheating At Wordle

Sunday, February 27, 2022

He Thought It Was A Joke. So Who’s Laughing Now?Wordle finally turned deadly this weekend, joining a long and colorful line of time-wasting trends that...

Can 8 Billion People Ever Agree To Be Right?

Saturday, February 26, 2022

#RectumOracleAnswers……deserve #ExistentialTrickQuestions

Holy Holophrasis Batman

Friday, February 25, 2022

I Told You So Now I get it. There is even a word for the shit we are standing in up to our necks.
Capitalists hate repeating themselves and that’s...

Dimwit Donald J Turdwaffle Jr. Says Father Ready To Broker Peace Deal Between Russia & Ukraine Aggressors

Thursday, February 24, 2022

All It Takes Is A Few Artful Plea Deals In Swing StatesDimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle Jr. sounded like his dad this morning when he put himelf in the shoes...

Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy Is The Best Lady G Can Hope For At this Point

Thursday, February 24, 2022

If You Were Her Wouldn’t You?Sometimes you just just gotta go with the flow. 
Here’s another of those solos from up around the summit of Billy the...

Now That's Some Catch That Catch 2 22 22

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

Trump Blasts Biden Sanctions On Russian BanksAs former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & the kind of guy who makes the uneducated shine like...

Crazy Person Complains About Being Treated 'As If I'm Some Kind Of Marjorie Taylor Greene'

Monday, February 21, 2022

Even I Know Not To Insult Spaz Gaucho PoliceA homeless liberal who once suggested that California wildfires were the result of human caused climate change...

Baby Formula Recalled Over Ivermectin & Other Alternatve Medical Facts

Saturday, February 19, 2022

Manufacturers Wanted To Help Protect Anti-Vaxxers From COVIDAccording to totally prefabricated reports, fugitives from the January 6 insurrection conducted...

Truth Social: You Can't Handle It

Thursday, February 17, 2022

But You Can Follow It On TwitterUnless, of course, you are twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & fat guy demanding he be let sing one last inane...

Miami Dade Police Deny Deal With Turdwaffle To Sell Insurrectionist Swag

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

It Was A Blessed Inconvenience Cops SayAn alleged typo on an informational flier given to law-breaking motorists on how to resolve their citations online...

Sarah Palin To Appeal Defamation Verdict

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

This Wasn’t Just For The Principle Of The ThingOne day after Mr. Judge Roy Bean told a drinking buddy at Rudy’s Bar and Grill that he was going to dismiss...

@DoctorFaustroll Finds The Whole Whoopi Goldberg Thing Hilarious

Monday, February 14, 2022

When Did Who Has The Best Holocaust Story Become An Olympic Event?We need to rise above the racism at the core of Repugnicunt American Family Values...

Trump Offers To Broker Peace Deal Between Russia & Ukraine For A Little Favor In Return

Saturday, February 12, 2022

It’s No Biggie Twice-Impeached Unindicted Co-Conspirator InsistsAs tensions between the US, NATO, Vlad “The Impudent” Putin, and Taco Bell intensified...

Trump Denies He Flushed Secrets Down The Toilet

Thursday, February 10, 2022

That's What The Garbage Disposal Is ForFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and pole-dance pee-guzzler Donald J. Turdwaffle bristled Thursday...

Matt Gaetz: Stop Me Before I Prey Again!

Tuesday, February 8, 2022

Tells House Colleagues Woke Sexual Predators Must Not Escape JusticeRep. Matt Gaetz (R-Word, FL) spoke in favor of a bill that would limit protections...

It's Now Official

Monday, February 7, 2022

This Democrat Coronavirus Hoax Will Finally Be Over When I Finally Lose At WordleSorry. I just have this thing about word games…
Looks like 4.4 million...

Suicidal Organ Donors Leave Funny Note On Facebook

Sunday, February 6, 2022

Now You Can Honestly Say Some Of Your Best Friends Are DeadOh, snap! I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Like, follow, and subscribe!

Glenn Youngkin Endorses Reinstatement For Former Douchebag

Saturday, February 5, 2022

His Promising Me A Pardon Has Nothing To Do With It“Why would I need a pardon?” Gov. Youngkin (R-Word, VA) asked. “I haven’t done anything God didn’t...

I See The Mainstream Media Has Finally Acknowledged We're On A #CountdownToOneMillion

Friday, February 4, 2022

It’s A Great Time To Be In The Cadaver Cosy BusinessHow many times do I have to say I told you so? We’ll be looking at 1.1 million before the blink of...

US Accuses Russia Of Planning Gulf Of Tonkin-Style Video To Justify Invasion Of Ukraine

Thursday, February 3, 2022

Just Because We’ve Done It Doesn’t Give Them The Right“That’s our trademark,” says unnamed White House source close to the former butthole of national...

DeSantis Says People Calling For Him To Condemn Nazis Are Trying To Smear His Reputation

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

Some Of My Best Friends Are Nazis, Repugnicunt Presidential turdwaffle Challenger SaysGov. Ron DeSantis (R-Word, FL) blasted critics who said he should...

Bipartisan Governors Tell Biden To Stop With This Pandemic Bullshit

Monday, January 31, 2022

With All This Climate Change And Collapsing Infrastructure, Does It Really Matter If We All Get Sick? We’ve Got An Economy To Take Care OfIn private,...

Poppa's Got A Brand New Scam

Monday, January 31, 2022

My #Alt-Reich Junk Email Box Has Four Turdwaffle Shit Shop Ads This MorningThe twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator must be facing some massive...

JFK Jr. Is On A Ventilator With COVID, Palin Named As Cause

Saturday, January 29, 2022

He Had Dinner In NYC Restaurant With Former Repugnicunt VP Mama Bear Candidate Sarah PalinQAnon followers reacted  with skepticism to news that JFK Jr...

American Pandemic Of The Proudly Ignorant Enters Third Year

Saturday, January 29, 2022

It’s Amazing The Shit Americans Believe And Are Willing To Sacrifice Their Offspring ForI imagine the dinosaurs sat around watching Fox Gnus as they...

Governor Offers Bulldog's Butthole To Critics Of State's Proudly Uneducated

Friday, January 28, 2022

Animal Rights Activists Call For Arrest In Suspected Canine Sex Trafficking
Little did nimrod Gov. Jim “Whitey” Justice (R-Word, WV) suspect that...

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Calls Challenge To His Fitness To Hold Office Prosecution

Thursday, January 27, 2022

Argues Real Insurection Took Place On November 3, 2020Freshman Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) blasts effort to use 14th Amendment ban...

Dumbfucks Have Replaced Cunts As Ultimate World Runners

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Jarvis Cocker To Release Updated Version Of Classic Pre-Apocalyptic AnthemIn the meantime, enjoy what the world was like until the really rancid cunts...

Jeffrey Epstein Is Still Alive & Living Under An Assumed Name

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Worked As Strategic Advisor For Turdwaffle’s 2020 Presidential CampaignNow living in exile at Mar-a-Lago, the allegedly deceased accused sex trafficker...

Stupid Son-Of-A-Bitch Upset President Biden Called Him Out

Monday, January 24, 2022

Steve Doocy’s Little Boy Proves To Be Chip Off The Old BlockJen Psaki’s favorite anti-intellectual hackey sack, Peter Doocy, had whatever he calls his...

Lone Ranger Comes Out Against Mask Mandates

Monday, January 24, 2022

Don’t You Think This Public Health Crisis Done Got Out Of Hand?“I’ve been wearing a mask since 1933,” said John Reid, the immortal Texas Ranger who retired...

US Deeply Concerned Over Alleged Plot To Install Pro-Russian Regime In Ukraine

Sunday, January 23, 2022

We’re Still Invesitigating The Fat Son Of A Bitch For Insurrection, State Department Tells LavrovEver since losing the 2020 election in a popular vote...

Come On People Now, You Never Heard Of Big Brother?

Saturday, January 22, 2022

Can Somebody Please Explain To Me What “Lethal Aid" Is? As an average extraordinary citizen of Earth living in a heavily-armed nation of miserable fucks,...

Turdwaffle Offers Hand-Signed Army/Navy Football As Prize In Save America Fund-Raising Raffle

Saturday, January 22, 2022

This Was From My First Interception When Wharton Loaned Me To The Army/Navy GameAs this complete and total disaster of football season comes to its totally...

Mike Pence Corrects Famous Dan Quayle Quote for Fox

Friday, January 21, 2022

Tucker Carlsen Asks Former Turdwaffle Under-Assistant President For Vice If He Has Any Regrets About His Role In January 6 Celebrations Where He Was...

Ivanka Tells Jan. 6 Panel She Can't Testify Because Agreements For Chinese Trademarks

Thursday, January 20, 2022

I’d Like To Help But My Lawyers Tell Me I Signed An NDA“I’m such a ditz,” the former first daughter told the clearly biased Democrat terrorists conducting...

Turdwaffle Threatens To Leave Country Unless He Is Reinstated

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

What Good Is Winning In A Landslide If Antifa Won’t Let Me Rule?Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & the epitome of American Family Values,...

Matt Gaetz Blasts Sex-Trafficking Investigators

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

How Come I Can’t Get Immunity?After the alleged former girlfriend of staunch Turdwaffle ally, Rep. Matt  Gaetz (R-Word, FL), was granted immunity last...

Bibi Netanyahoo Close To Plea Deal In Corruption Trial

Sunday, January 16, 2022

Claims He Was Was Promised A Pardon For moving US Embassy To Jerusalem“A deal is a deal,” the former Prime Minister told YU Finance reporter Happy Clie...

Trump Takes Credit For Omnicron Surge

Thursday, January 13, 2022

I Told You That Testing Would Make The Numbers Go Up“Do you miss me now?” America’s favorite twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all-around douchebag...

My Pillow CEO Says He Has Enough Evidence To Put 350 Million Americans In Jail

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

You Have No Idea How Big This Fraud Thing Really Is“People selling their babies, hoodlums breaking into dropboxes, liberals thinking they know so much,...

Dolphins Have A Fully Functional Clitoris, Swingers Find

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

America Has A Bold New Market For Industrial-Strength Sex Toys!During the ongoing pandemic, our nation of miserable fucks’ sexually adventurous have...

New Necronomnicron Variant May Be Deadliest Yet

Monday, January 10, 2022

Pataphysicians Call It The Crowley ClapAs a Darwinian percentage of supposedly educated human beings continue to reject vaccines & other measures developed...

Eldest Trump Children Won't Comply With Subpoenas From New York Attorney General, Citing White Executive Privilege

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Donald J. Turdwaffle Jr & Ivanka Claim Political & Religious Persecution By ProsecutorAs New York Attorney General Letitia “La Bron” James continues...

Elizabeth Holmes Claims TKO Victory In Fraud Cases

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

I Was Innocent Of A Clear Majority Of Charges, So I WinAnnouncing her intention to sue to recover legal expenses related to her lengthy trial, Theranos...

Trump To Launch Ashli Babbitt Monument Fund On January 6

Monday, January 3, 2022

Promises Pardons For All On MAGA Martyr Day*Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & Pullputzer Award-winning author of The Epic of KuklaM*A*S*H,...

DeSantis Denies He Gave Wife Cancer

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Claims They Signed A Prenup That Excludes Cancer & COVIDAfter rumors that Florida’s governor was being held for ransom while COVID hospitalizations &...

There Is No Gravity

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

The Earth Really Does Suck!And we made it that way! Whoopee for us!

At Last @DoctorFaustroll Is Permanently Banned From Twitter

Monday, December 27, 2021

That’s One More Thing He Can Scratch Off His Fuck It ListCan new appeal to the Benevolent Order of Twits be far behind?

Candace Owens Calls Turdwaffle Too Old To Talk With

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Thinks He’s Been Brainwashed By Liberal VaxxersCandace Owens was apparently as surprised as any far-right anti-vaxxer nutjob would be when former twice-impeached...

Brandon Files Class Action Suit Against Fox News Alleging Harassment

Friday, December 24, 2021

Why Not Chant Let’s Go Tucker, Fuckers?Brandon has a point.

Contents Of Time Capsule Removed From Robert E. Lee Statue Pedestal Revealed

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Water Damaged Artifacts Include MAGA Cap, Copy Of Art Of The Deal, & Confederate FlagUntil the monstrous statue of the American Nazi Party’s favorite...

Turdwaffle Determined To Prove Democracy Is Just A Game

Monday, December 20, 2021

He Knows More About The Rule Of Lawyers Than AnyoneIs there anyone who still thinks the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator wasn’t only...

Ghislaine Maxwell Asks Court To Be Called 'Madam Epstein' Instead Of 'Defendant'

Saturday, December 18, 2021

Petitions Judge To Refer To Her As Madam Epstein In Jury Instructions To Prevent Prejudicing Their Opinion Against HerJudge says “Sure, Anything else...

I Never Once Suspected I Might Know More Than Denzel Washington

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

But Even I Know Who Damson Idris IsHe’s some guy Denzel had never heard of. Am I right?

Lorena Boebert Threatens To Shoot Self If Libs Don't Stop Bullying Her

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

You Won’t Catch Me Whining When I Don’t Get My WayIt’s not the first time Rep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) has heaped scorn upon herself for being her...

Nimrod Files Class Action Suit To Void Social Media Posts From Evidence

Monday, December 13, 2021

They’re Coming To Take Away My First Amendment Rights!Durwood Mildude Dampfass was sentenced to three months in jail after pleading guilty “to crimes...

God Apologizes For Kentucky Tornadoes

Saturday, December 11, 2021

I Was Just Trying To Send Mitch A Message Liberal Diety ExplainsGod told listeners on WHOP this morning that “things got a little out of hand” when He...

'The President Was In Danger Of Dying,' Medical Expert Says After Latest Revelations About Trump

Wednesday, December 8, 2021

So Much For ExpertsCan we not hear anymore about Turdwaffle until the obit?

Kylie Rittenhouse Claims Crumbley Reward

Saturday, December 4, 2021

Paladin Protective Services Tracks Down Bad Parents To Make America Great AgainAcquitted Kenosha Killer Kylie Rittenhouse’s Paladin Protective Services was...

How Omicron Is Pronounced

Thursday, December 2, 2021

It’s Easy When You See It Abbreviated On TwitterThat’s right.
OMG! OMC is here!

America Must Better Prepare For More Mass Shootings

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

What Else Can We Do? When things ain’t broke, you can’t fix them. That’s the American Way! If it ain’t in the Constituion, it damn well should be. Among...

NRA Lobbies Congress To Give Bullets Right Of Way

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

LaPierre Calls Proposed Legislation Common Sense“I don’t know about you,” one of America’s favorite untouchable leaders told a gathering of slobbering...

There's Good News Tonight

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Wisconsin Gave Us Joe McCarthy & Kylie Rittenhouse’s Acquittal…while a nearly all-white jury in southern Georgia chose to believe their eyes & ears and...

Biden Pardons Donald & Donald Junior In First Presidential Turkey Pardon

Friday, November 19, 2021

Big Birds Shit On Hand That Freed ThemIn a move certain to infuriate Mr. Pillow Mike Lindell & the former twice-impeached unidicted co-conspirator, President...

Did Jake Gyllenhaal Auction One Inch Squares Of Taylor's Red Scarf On E-Bay?

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Disquieting Minds Demand To KnowOh, the humanity!

Judge Says 2nd Amendment Trumps Any Law Against The Rights Of Guns To Own America

Monday, November 15, 2021

Judge Claims Roland Freisler Speaks To Him In DreamsIn his latest effort to ensure Kylie Rittenhouse gets away with murder, alleged son of repatriated...

Woke Crowd Calls Rittenhouse A Big Crybaby

Thursday, November 11, 2021

Rittenhouse Fires Back With AR15 Previously Owned By Charlton HestonTeen white supremacist hero Kylie Rittenhouse took the stand Wednesday in his own...

Trump To Pardon Youngkin's Son When Reinstated

Friday, November 5, 2021

Teen Tried To Vote Twice For McAuliffe“The Democrats probably put him up to it,” former unindicted co-conspirator & subject of numerous federal & state...

Promoting Racist Family Values Still A Winning Repugnicunt Strategy

Wednesday, November 3, 2021

Playing All Trumps Or No Trumps Is Still A Bridge To NowhereAmerica is never going improve to the level of the lowest EU country until saying “Well,...

Ashli Boebert's Family May Sue Lindsey Graham For Wrongful Death

Monday, November 1, 2021

More Fallout From The Amazon Washington Post January 6th ReportAfter months of former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle...

Somewhere In A Multiverse Too Close For Comfort

Thursday, October 28, 2021

The Ruggles Have Released A New SingleIn a rare exclusive, the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat gained access to material...

Is There No One To Rid Us Of These Deplorable Judges?

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

You Say Potato & I Say He’s An AssholeIf you have to wonder how we ended up with so many Nazi lawyers on the bench, you haven’t been paying attention...

How To See Uranus Alongside Hunter Biden's Moon In The Night Sky This Week

Friday, October 22, 2021

You Might Spot Some Exciting Stars As WellThe bright light of Hunter Biden’s moon will lead the way to Uranus in the early morning prostate runs this...

Turdwaffle Launches Socialist Media Scam

Thursday, October 21, 2021

“You Can’t Handle The Truth About Socialism” Site Hacked On First DayAs former twice-impeached unidicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle scrambles...

143 Fully Vaccinated Oregon Residents who Received Pfizer Vaccine Have Died Of COVID-19

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

Most Died In Portland From Gunshot WoundsThe Oregon Health Authority now recommends that most fully vaccinated Oregonians hunker down in their subterranean panic...

Turdwaffle Tell Supporters Not To Vote Until He Is Reinstated

Thursday, October 14, 2021

Complains That Rich Fucks Won’t Shoot Him Into Space For FreeContinuing his Keep Making America Great Again Again campaign to regain access to executive...

Marjoe Faylor Greene Celebrates #ColombiaDay

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Druglords Drag Georgia Lawmaker On TwitterAmerica’s favorite distaff dumbfuck lawbreaker from Georgia tried to downplay the significance of Joe Biden...

Mike Lindell Claims 850 Year Old Democrat Voted

Saturday, October 9, 2021

More Than 3 Million Democrats Over 150 Years Old Also VotedEveryone’s favorite used pillow salesman, Mike Lindell today revealed that his crack team...

Rittenhouse Lawyers Argue He Had Assault Weapon Because He Was Hunting

Friday, October 8, 2021

Irony Declared Officially Dead

My Pillow Guy Continues His Epic Quest

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

Mike Lindell Knocking On Doors To Uncover Dead Democrat VotersIf after the first thousand times you don’t succeed, My Pillow CEO & Donald J. Turdwaffle’s...

Chief Stumbling Block On Budget Negotiations Is NIH

Monday, October 4, 2021

Study Into Exceptional American Stupidity In JeopardyVowing to block any solution to the nation’s intractable problems that endangers America's fixed...

Omarosa: It’s Time for Trump to Come Clean About His Health

Monday, October 4, 2021

Ain’t No Jive-Ass Cracker NDA Gonna Keep This Uppity Mouth ShutFresh off an arbitrator’s ruling that former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator...

Petito Family Sued For Failure To Pay Licensing Fees

Saturday, October 2, 2021

“Let It Be” Tattoos Designed By Gabby Violate Copyright Protection When four members of slain Instagram influencer Gabby Petito’s family got matching...

Trump Blasts Arizona Audit Results

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

“Where Did They Get These Guys?” Former Guy Asks Rally CrowdAmerica’s favorite twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle cried foul...

NRA Disputes Report That Found Not Owning A Gun Reduces Risk Of Accidental Shooting

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Blames Antifa Victim-Culture For Anti-Gun Messaging“Guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people,” according to the latest pro-death advertising from...

Laurena Boebert Mocked For Another Dumb Constitution Tweet

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Colorado Lawmaker Confuses 10 Commandments With Bill Of RightsNever the brightest bulb in the toilet bowl nightlight, freshman lawmaker Laurena Boebert...

Biden Says He Who Dies With The Most Toys No Longer Wins

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Calls Former Guy A Fucking AssholeAs a new poll of unlikely voters shows President Biden’s approval raitings plunging among those uneducated independent...

Countdown To 700 Thousand

Monday, September 20, 2021

Houston We Have A Big Fucking Problem Here

Top 1% Slam Proposed Biden Tax Hikes

Thursday, September 16, 2021

“Whatever Happened To Our Democracy?” Rhetoricians Wonder AloudPresident Biden on Thursday proposed a modest adjustment to the massive tax breaks former...

Scientists Find Another Planet With All The Ingredients For Life

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

“All That’s Lacking Is A Little American Stupidity,” Say ResearchersProving that the age of American exceptionalism truly has passed, if it ever truly...

Top General Sought Chinese Help To Get Turdwaffle Banned On Twitter

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

“We Gave Him Fake Nuclear Codes,” Anonymous Source RevealsIn the days following twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle’s soiling...

Al Qaeda Leader, Believed Dead, Appears In Video At Evander Holyfield Fight

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Turdwaffle & Son Unaware Of Allegedly deceased Terrorists Laughing Three Rows Behind ThemOsama bin Laden made a rare appearance at the Seminole Hard...

Turdwaffle Blasts Biden For Letting Taliban Have More Weapons Than New York Repugnicunts

Saturday, September 11, 2021

Taliban Nows Outgun Americans 27 To 1Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and failed insurrectionist Donald J. Turdwaffle dropped by Greg...

Texas Gov. Bud Abbott Says Abortion Bill Will Force Rapists To Move Back To Mexico

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Six Weeks Is Plenty Of Time To Get Your Tubes TiedDespite facing worldwide derision for signing one of the most restrictive anti-abortion laws in the...

Women Begin Texas Exodus

Thursday, September 2, 2021

“Fuck Those Guys” Says #MeToo SchneiderFemale Americans in the Lone Star state have wasted no time responding to Turdwaffle’s Nazi-packed Supreme Court...

Antifa Admits COVID Is On Their Side

Monday, August 30, 2021

“Very Fine People On The Wrong Side Of History Are Finally Getting Theirs,” Queen Antifa SmilesIt has apparently come to the attention of the GOP that...

Laurena Boebert's Gas Problem

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Nazi Lawbreaker Concealed Fragrant Conflict Of InterestColorado congressturd Boebert’s husband has been selling her farts as renewable energy, a fact...

Actually They Signed Up To Be Buttfucked By The GOP

Friday, August 27, 2021

Donald Jr. Pulls Up His Huggies & Gets Real Mean Girl

Incel Journalist Blugeoned With Dildo In Portland

Monday, August 23, 2021

Someone’s Got To NgoFreelance Nazi provocateur, Andy Ngo was briefly stunned yesterday when Queen Antifa snuck up behind him in a pussy-hat & wapped...

Feckless Cunts Are Still Running The World

Sunday, August 22, 2021

Jarvis Cocker Was RightAnd the colored girls go: "Doo do doo do doo do do doo..."
And #TheDeadBeats go on.

Taliban To Use Vietnam As Model For New Afghanistan

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

“To The Victor Go The Spoils” Rafshan Hashemi bin Khesi Tells Press CorpsesIn a continuation of the charm offensive that has won over 85% of the Afghani...

H.R. McMaster Baits Liberal Media With Moderate Canine Yodeling

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Urges Marines Change Motto To “Semper Fido”“An ounce of invective is worth more than pounding sand up your own ass at the behest of some bush league...

Taliban Credit Trump & Pompeo For Crucial Intelligence

Sunday, August 15, 2021

“We Couldn’t Have Done It Without Them” Says Beulah OmarHaving soundly defeated Russia & the United States in back to back knockouts of reigning superpowers,...

World Ends Suddenly

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Season Ticket Holders Demand Full Refunds In Class-Action SuitDon’t worry, average . Mexico & other poor countries will pay for it, just as they always...

Cuomo Gives Two Week's Notice

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Joining Trump 2024 Campaign As Sensitivity CzarGovernor Andrew Cuomo gave New Yorkers his two-week notice today, saying he’s been offered a “challenging...

I Remember That Movie

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Didn’t They Say This Could Never Happen?I’ve never been one not to tell you how many times I’ve told you so. So let me just say once again: I told you...

William Tecumseh Sherman Variant Marches Through South

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

DeSantis Threatens To Deport Hospitalized Patients Back To “Their State Of Origin”Florida Governor Ron “The Con” DeSantis has recently come under attack...

Laurena Boebert Ain't Got No Daddy!

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Sarah Palin’s Mini Me Has Daddy IssuesSome things you just can’t make up. Read all about it!

"Give Us Liberty or Give Us Death!" Shout MAGA Anti-Maskers

Saturday, July 31, 2021

“Just Hold That Thought,” Delta Variant RepliesHere’s hoping the Democrats won’t waste this golden opportunity to level the playing field in our nation...

Repugnicunts Blame Capitol Cops For 1/6 Riots

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

“They Started It!” Say Die-Hard NazisFollowing the first day of the House investigation into the January 6th Turdwaffle Insurrection, GOP leaders & their...

Turdwaffle Blasts Biden For Ruining His Beautiful Vaccines

Monday, July 26, 2021

“People Listen To Me,” Bloviating Bombast BellowsContinuing the rant he began at the recent “Rally To Protect Our Elections” in Phoenix, former twice-impeached...

We Don't Have A Pandemic Of The Unvaccinated

Thursday, July 22, 2021

We Have A Pandemic Of Terminal Dumb AssesForgive me for typing the actual message you thought I was only thinking and posting it to the Ted Stevens Memorial...

Testes Testes

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

My Kingdom For An Internet ConnectionIf you think my testes are bad, you should taste one of my quizzies, no?

Trump To Sue Putin For NDA Violation

Saturday, July 17, 2021

“I Thought We Had A Deal!” Turdwaffle Shouts At Passing CarsCiting the agreement they signed behind closed doors at Helsinki in 2018, twice-impeached former...

Repugnicunts Seek To Outlaw Maskturbation

Thursday, July 15, 2021

“You Can Hum But You Can’t Hide!” Shout Nazi Pigfuckers From HeavenOnce again, the GOP has chosen to mishear what is being said by actual people who...

Dems Bug Out Of Texas

Monday, July 12, 2021

Remembering The AlamoCalling the late Arthur Lee’s “You Set The Scene” the “most meaningful description of life in Texas since the Repugnicunts took...

Holden Cawthorn Is Latest Helms On Wheels

Saturday, July 10, 2021

“They’re Coming To Take Our Deuteronomy, Mama!”North Carolina Representative Ashley Madison Cawthorn held forth with a group of Tik Tok Teens at the...

Things They Don't Teach You Or Teach You Not To Do

Thursday, July 8, 2021

Always Put Incriminating Things In WritingThe key thing to remember as you navigate the mysteries of American family values & our supply side plantation...

Cuomo Calls 2nd Amendment A Fucking Disaster

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Executive Order Stops Short Of Adding NRA To Terror Watch List“Enough is enough!” says beleaguered Democrat governor under attack from Proud Boys, Nazis,...

Afghanistan Beats Another World Superpower

Friday, July 2, 2021

“Kudos to the Afghani people,” Says The It’s About Times Picayune“Bring it on!” says Taliban spokesinmate. “We always beat the best you got, cholo.”

Tour de France Fugitive Granted Asylum At Mar A Lago

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Woman Blames Democrat Grandma & Grandpa For Making Her Do itKaren “Tim” O’Leary, the female spectator believed responsible for Saturday’s horrific crash...

I Don't Want To Take Too Much Credit

Saturday, June 26, 2021

But I Arrived In Portland On August 9, 1981When I finished packing the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat (along with Lucy...

Flash Floods Hammer Portland During Record Heat Wave

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Proud Boys Blame Rising Water On Sudden Collapse Of Liberal Snowflake Ice Shelf Near Powell’s BooksAs the death toll continues to rise in the Pacific...

I Got Vaccinated & Wear A Mask

Friday, June 25, 2021

Are You So Happy You Do Neither?Well, good for you. I’m sure you are well-insured & have your entire life planned as efficiently as the one you’ve been...

Turdwaffle Declares Himself Winner In NYC Dem Primary

Wednesday, June 23, 2021

QAnon Write-In Campaign Beats All Antifa Candidates“This is my first step to becoming Speaker of the House in 2023,” America’s favorite Killer Klown...

QAnon Shaman Rioted For The Sins Of All Americans, Says Lawyer

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

Americans Should Reward His Selfless SacrificeRecent polling of average Americans asking if they support giving the QAnon shaman a Medal of Freedom indicates...

Calamari Harassed by Squiddies

Monday, June 21, 2021

Former Turdwaffle Bodyguard Netted In Vance Investigation? When it comes to the Trump family, the first question should always be: “How many ways do...

Gays Not Covered By Florida Anti-Protestor Law

Sunday, June 20, 2021

Desantis Clarifies Rule Of LawWhen quintessential #FloridaMan  & Governor McRonald DeSantis  signed HB 1 into law on April 19th of this year, he probably...

When Will Mr. Pillow Produce Wuhan Lab Evidence?

Saturday, June 19, 2021

Right Wing Fact Creator Calls For Investigation“There’s no way this coronavirus hoax jumped from bats to hunans,” Mike Lindell told Jordan Klepper in...

CNN Claims "The Republican Party's Mission: Whitewash The Trump Presidency"

Friday, June 18, 2021

As If It Wasn’t Already White EnoughYou can read all about it on CNN Politics.

Apologist Agrees To Apologize To Critic Of Previous Apology

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Disagrees They Agreed To DisagreeAccording to sources close to the situation, she is keenly “disappointed in myself. Consequently, I will be taking some...

Most Overlooked Stories of 2020

Monday, June 14, 2021

Nazi Voted Out Of White House Tops Pataphysical ListThe Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Landromat is proudly tripping over its schwantz...

Slavitt Suggests Trump As Bad As Reagan

Sunday, June 13, 2021

Former Biden Aide Cites COVID FailuresDuring an interview with “Faceplanting the Nation” this morning, Uncle Sleepy Joe Biden’s former senior adviser...

Second Coming Drowns Thousands In Red States

Saturday, June 12, 2021

Jesus Comes Out As LGBTQApologizing for His delay in coming back to gather up the faithful as many widely believe He promised 2021 years ago, the Son...

So Nearman Is So Far Away

Friday, June 11, 2021

Shalalala shalalaOregon legislature breaks a boot off in Mikey “He Thinks We’ll Eat Anything” Nearman’s ass for conspiring to let right wing nutjobs...

Ilhan Omar Condemned For Stating The Obvious

Friday, June 11, 2021

Suspected Terrorist Representative Refuses To ApologizeAmericans demand retribution after uppity Muslim states the obvious, which Nazis like to call...

Mitch McManchin Protects Plantation Economy

Monday, June 7, 2021

Old White Senator Mishears LyricsAccording to Vito Bomboni, a fugitive YU News Service journalist who helped copy edit Senator Manchin’s op ed explaining...

They Can Run...

Saturday, June 5, 2021

But They Can’t HydeThe Georgia Republican Party is meeting on  Jekyll Island this weekend to censure Repugnicunt Secretary of State Brad Raffensberger,...

Dr. Faustroll Declares Trump Blog "Freeze-Dried Santorum"

Saturday, June 5, 2021

Another Great Imaginary Solution To A Uniquely Imaginary American ProblemOne-term twice-impeached Andrew Jackson impersonator, Dandy Don Turdwaffle recently...

King Ubu Jr. Mobilizes Olympic Denial Team

Friday, June 4, 2021

Dr. Phillip Pihl-Hill
Consulting Enabler
Pataphysical Medical Syndrome
WASHINGTON (PMS) – To help the public...

Former President Turdwaffle Shutters Blog

Wednesday, June 2, 2021

Blames Melania For Mixed Messaging
Sources close to the former twice-impeached first idiot & Mikey “He’ll Eat Anything” Cohen’s unindicted co-conspirator...

Pro-Pot Laws Blamed For Canine Slaughter

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

Turns Out You Can’t Teach A Dog New TricksThe same people who like to say: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” are also the kinds of moderates who caution...

@DoctorFaustroll Twitter Motherfucker Loves You This You Know

Monday, May 31, 2021

Ted Stevens’ System Of Interweb Tubes To Nowhere Tells You So

I Should Have Been An Insurrectionist

Saturday, May 29, 2021

I’d Still Be On TwitterYou asked
,so I answered
Is this what qualifies as a doozy in these Twit-filled end times?

She's Killing Me Softly

Thursday, May 27, 2021

I Wish Zappa Had Her In One Of His BandsSerendipity is often surreptitious in the way it justifies the cod’s way to man. As everyone knows: If you give...

Bad Guys With Guns Officially Declared Pandemic

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

CDC & DHS To Conduct Root Cause AnalysisAfter unnamed sources released a report suggesting that the excess deaths over the background body count indicates...

Speaking Of Feckless Cunts

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

The Appeal Goes OnWhat can I say? I’m just living the dream I embarked on in the third grade when Mrs. Criscola asked me what I wanted to be when I grew...

Marco Polo Has Been Replaced

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

By "Feckless Cunt” In New Kancel Kulchur Kid GameBy now, everyone who matters on planet Earth is aware that I have been temporarily suspended from Twitter...

Damn, Jack. How Much You Spending To Monitor My Blog?

Monday, May 24, 2021

Why Not Use Auto-Reply?As my @DoctorFaustroll temporary suspension approaches its turd month anniversary, the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic,...

As If Covid Was Not Enough

Thursday, May 20, 2021

You Ready For Flying Salt Shakers Of Death?
Have you eaten your daily allotment of cicadas & gotten your daily recommended amount of insect-based...

How To Ensure Everyone Stands For The Pledge Of Allegiance

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Let’s Just Change It From “The Star-Spangled Banana” To “Dick Around”Sure, our current anthem is based on an old English drinking song, but it no longer...

Countdown To 700 Thousand, Day 1!

Sunday, May 16, 2021

The Coronavirus Hoax Goes On!A regular feature of my suspended Twitter feed was regular updates to the Totally Preventable Body Count that you should...

Hey, Hey, NRA!

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

ARE YOU HAVING A BAD FUCKING DAY?Are the courts trying to pry back the rule of law from the rule of lawyers? 
Judge Harlan Hale, a Dubya Bush appointee,...

Happy 2nd Month Suspension Anniversary to Doctor Faustroll!

Friday, May 7, 2021

I Can’t Remember If Concrete Boots Is The Proper GiftOr Concrete Blonde.

Getting ready to file a new appeal in case my personal Twitter intern...

I Got An Email From Gascon

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

So I Made Gasconade

#AmericaFirst Again With Guinnesss Book of World Records

Sunday, May 2, 2021

“Gun Culture” Climbs To Top Of Greatest Oxymorons ListThe panel offered no explanation for why “American Democracy” has been replaced by a favorite NRA...

CDC Advises Against Playing Jackpot Lottery Games

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Bloodclot Victims Were All Lottery Winners
Following a ten-day pause in administering the  Johnson & Johnson COVID vaccine, the United States Centers...

We're Still Stupid & Contagious

Monday, April 19, 2021

Here We Are Now, Kurt Cobain Us!It’s been a month & a half now since Twitter allegedly temporarily suspended my account for non-payment of sufficient...

Poor Dickhead's Almanac

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Why God Didn’t Give Assholes Eyes?Hindsight is only 20/20 when you are short on  foresight.

Free the PPOCLL HQ 666!

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

We Were Just KiddingIsn’t an insincere apology enough to pacify these #SupplySide #PlantationEconomy nimrods anymore? They already own 99% of existence.


Tuesday, April 13, 2021

But #IToldYouSo FirstIf I wasn’t already on the 5th week of a temporary Twitter suspension that normally lasts 7 days, I might be posting this #ExistentialTrickQuestion...

I Is Heavy Bored

Monday, April 12, 2021

How Do The Cantos Match Up Against The Dream Songs?& equally important: Who the fuck cares? 
I’m betting not John Berryman.

Matt Gaetz Stands For All Brave Pedophiles

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Even better, he’s betting there are millions of Americans just like him "who feel forgotten, canceled, ignored, marginalized and targeted."

The Triumph Of Nancy Reagan Is Trending On Twitter

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Hell Angles On The Gypsy JokersIn what some are hailing as the Devil getting her due, Old Rummy Reagan’s main squeeze is revealed to be a motorcycle...

It's My Twitter Suspension Anniversary!

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

These temporary suspensions have a way of hanging around like a bad case of drug-resistant clap. Today marks one month since I wadded the knickers up...

Yeast Is Risen!

Sunday, April 4, 2021

Was It Something I Yeats’d?I see the former douché has stirred from his bunker to proclaim that all good #Repugnicunts should cum to the AIDS of their...


Saturday, April 3, 2021

Why Have I Never Seen This Video Before?I’ve just been listening to Tuvan throat singers again, & I never expected to find that sound in a nirvana track,...

Who's The April Fool Now?

Thursday, April 1, 2021

I Still Get Notifications From Twitter #Resisters Despite My SuspensionI don’t know if there is a sympathetic intern forwarding me information for a...

April Is Free Cruller Month!

Thursday, April 1, 2021

Get Yours At Drunken Doughnutz!
Who did you say, #TheDeadBeats?

Major Biden Admits He Is #Antifa

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Presidential Pup Apprehended With MAGA Supporter In His TeethCongressional Republicans are calling for an investigation into recent attacks by Major...

Before The Trump Abomination

Monday, March 29, 2021

Obamination: The Jig Is UpOriginally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 21, 2009

Frog legs with iguana and fresh herbs

Monday, March 29, 2021

How To Eat Alt WhiteOriginally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics, Phood, phoolishness, and phrivolity February 22, 2009
It has been brought...

Chauvinists Defend Chauvin

Monday, March 29, 2021

“He Was Only Taking A Knee!"Fresh from her recent stint as High Priestess Of All The Former Guy's Dominion, fugitive lawyer Sydney Powell weighed in...

Trump Blasts Biden For Press Conference Lie

Thursday, March 25, 2021

"He’s Not That Old!" Dotard Shouts From ExileLoudspeakers at Mar A Lago blared former guy Donald Trump’s displeasure at Joe Biden’s first press conference...

Help Me Shape Twitter's Future

Monday, March 22, 2021

Shining ThroughPerhaps my time in Twitter exile is about to run out. It has been 15 days since my feckless cunt suspension began, but Jack apparently...

Whither Has It fled The Visionary Gleam?

Monday, March 15, 2021

Inquiring minds want to knowUnnamed sources in the wild on Twitter have suggested it was not the feckless cunt posting that had me omitted for being...

Doctor Faustroll Is Dead

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

He Died With His Chains OnHe was warned. He was given an explanation. Nevertheless, he resisted.
The first inkling...

Then things got weird...


Daddy, Did You Go To The Insurrection?

Monday, February 1, 2021

American Family ValuesAfter years of marketing themselves as the party of American #FamilyValues, the GOP finds itself today trying to distance itself...

Whose Inauguration Should I Go To?

Friday, December 18, 2020

The #Impeached #Loser Won’t Go AwayI subscribe to many right-wing email lists to understand what the average American idiot is being exposed to every...

Alvie Bach

Monday, December 7, 2020

The #YageKushRebellionThe hashtag #FlySwattingParty is a snide tribute to Joseph Campbell, who once described pornography in a conversation as "advertising...

The Proof Is In The Putzpulling

Sunday, December 6, 2020

Twitter ShadowbanningTwitter doesn’t just #Shadowban users, it also lies about its own search results. 
Here are just a few #FlySwattingParty posts...

How Twitter Censors My Shit

Thursday, December 3, 2020

Reality’s #FlySwattingPartyTry searching Twitter for #FlySwattingParty & see if you get different results.
I suspect Twitter is preventing this hashtag...

Music Is The Best

Thursday, December 3, 2020

Please Mr. CusterWhen I was a kid, I loved novelty songs, the sillier the better. From “Purple People Eater” to “Ahab The Arab” to endless comedy compilations...

Twitter's War On Truth

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Mutually Assured Distraction I began my latest Twitter suspension a couple of days ago. I no longer appeal these suspensions. I embrace them.