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Most Overlooked Stories of 2020
Jun 14, 2021
Nazi Voted Out Of White House Tops Pataphysical List
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Landromat is proudly tripping over its schwantz today while unveiling its 125th annual list of overlooked stories that should have changed the course of human civilization, but did not, because human civilization is what it is, based as it is entirely on lemming quantam mechanics, which have thus far made absolutely nothing of importance happen on planet Earth, much like moderation & so-called common sense.
I don’t know why God didn’t kick Adam & Eve out of the garden with this admonition: “If you’ve learned anything from your experience thus far in My creation, it should be this: 'If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.' Is that so hard to grasp, assholes? I’m your Creator, for Christ’s sake, & your uppity suggestion that My creation might in some way be less than absolutely perfect is an affront to the Aristotelian concept of perfection, which, as your God & the God of all creation everywhere, given Who I am, is simply stupid, & it’s starting to piss Me off.”
We here at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat know better than to piss God off (although Doctor Faustroll did indeed once piss on the Big Guy’s fireplug of a Leg), so without further ado, here is our Top 10 List Of Stories The Enemy Of The People Missed In 2020:
Number 10: On June 30, situational anesthetist Wanda Japan declared Earth’s climate would no longer support human life, regardless of income level or social status, by November 18, 2028, the 50th anniversary of The 14th Transubstantion at Jonestown.
Number 9: The American Kennel Club officially endorsed extending the right to own & bear arms to dogs & the unborn.
Number 8: Despite concerted & expensive efforts by foreign & domestic capitalists to extend 40 years of the Reagan legacy’s supply side plantation economy until the planet is no longer fit for human habitation, Americans overwhelmingly voted against continuing our constitutionally-mandated genocide of non-white people by our home grown Nazis & elected Joe Biden.
Number 7: A new & novel highly intelligent virus emerged from a behavioral sciences research lab in Wuhan, China, that was designed to be spread by & target stupid people.
Number 6: Almost every benefit of being smarter than your neighbor evaporated when the world economy collapsed & the event horizon for climate change became clear on an average overcast afternoon.
Number 5: Most people finally agreed that cow farts are not the chief cause of climate change; a subset also agreed that cow belches are equally innocent of blame. Investor cows, on the other hand, still appeared to be the usual suspects.
Number 4: More than 900,00 Americans died from COVID19 or its complications through no fault of their own.
Number 3: Math finally became optional in America.
Number 2: Despite more than 4,000 distinct active religions on this planet of miserable fucks in 2020, God turned out to be a hoax, created by humorous Jews to prank the Philistines.
Number 1: The greatest American Nazi since Joe McCarthy lost by more than 6 million Jewish votes on November 3, 2020.
Most ironic observers of Earthly delights agree that our 2020 list represents the least optimistic outlook for humanity since 1982, when our top story was “Center Of Universe Collapses. All Life Is Deluded.”