Most Died In Portland From Gunshot Wounds

The Oregon Health Authority now recommends that most fully vaccinated Oregonians hunker down in their subterranean panic rooms until the latest wave of gun violence is over.

“The vaccine is no substitute for full-body armor,” Doctor Faustroll told a sparsely attended press conference at Unthank Park. The founder & director of The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat, Dr. Faustroll is currently campaigning for a Medal of Freedumbocracy on Facebook.

Other major fatal side effects of the COVID vaccine are traffic accidents, dopioid overdoses, & choking on wads of hamburger the size of softballs. Blacks are still encouraged to avoid interactions with the Portland Police Bureau who only stopped using minority neighborhoods for target practice in the mid-90s.