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Trump Says Hutchinson Testimony Explains Missing Presidential Gifts
Jul 1, 2022
They Are No Longer In My Possession So Talk To My Agent; The White House Is Insured By Social Security
Twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & some random rich white asshole pre-teen bully who grew up to be president, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini (R-Word, Emeritus) took a break from panic Truthing that he had never met “that bitch, Cassidy” and denying Mark Meadows was ever his Chief of Staff, saying “He wasn’t confirmed was he? Didn’t the Senate have to confirm him? Not that I give a shit.
“So he was only an Acting Chief of Staff. I could have traded him to one of my state governors at any time,” Pussolini prattled on, explaining how much he preferred acting apprentices to actual vetted and confirmed appointees who had proven to demonstrate competence in specific skills areas critical to their mandates, “Everybody hates mandates. Actors make lots of mistakes, which is why I fired him on Jan 5th.”
He also explained that the law is “a set of perfect suggestions you should follow when things are going great, but when the going gets tough, the president has to do what the president has to do.
"Didn’t I fire him? I’m pretty sure I fired him. Where is my phone guy? No. Not those. The black bag,” the supreme white nattering nabob of the New World Order continued, “You’re trying to tell me I didn’t fire him after what he did on January 6th? That’s fake news. How was I supposed to know what Mark was up to? But you’ll see I’m pretty sure I fired him on Jan 5th. He may have been my Acting Chief of Staff but he clearly had his own radical left-wing agenda. Madison Cawthorn is his protege. Can you believe that?”
Pussolini then returned briefly Cassidy, stressing that she was not his type, so she couldn’t be believed, she was “bad news,” “a real nut job,” “a sicko low-level bartitsa,” & “Everybody hated her bony ass,” because she wouldn’t sign his standard non-disclosure agreement.
“Everybody who works for me signs an NDA. Why would anyone refuse to sign a non-disclosure agreement?” Pussolini wondered aloud. “What are they trying to hide, or even worse, what are they planning to steal? I was the fucking President of the United States. It was my job to protect her treasure.”
Eventually, the failed former führer began to talk about a “brave Miss Hutchinson,” whom he claimed cleared him of a cloud of “suspicion and inner windows about how we protected the gifts people from big corporations and foreign governments tried to bribe the good hard-working American people with.
“The fake news keeps trying to say I stole all those jewels and ancient treasures from the Holy Lands around the world, and the Dems keep saying I have to give them back,” the unnounced 2024 Repugnicunt candidate said, “but I can’t give back what I don’t have, even if I even had had any of it to begin with which I didn't. A lot of this stuff went through Mike Pompeo.
“But this brave Miss Hutchinson should get a Medal of Freedom for her courage in telling the American people, who made a fool of herself for Joe and country, God bless her,” Grabito Truthed, with a SMH white-faced emoji, “but brave Miss Hutchinson stood up to the obstructionist Democrats who seek to roll back the great gains we made in making American great again, even as recently as this week in our great Supreme Court, as we continue to prove we are the party of #PromisesMadePromisesKept. Just wait until I am reinstated!”
Pussolini then pivoted to attack the mainstream media, which he called The Enemy of the People, along with liberals, Muslims, LGBTQ radicals, atheists, antifa, and Black Lives Matter terrorists that he blamed for sabotaging “[his] great COVID plan that would have shined a light up so many dark places and recuiting so many illegal mail-in ballots to steal the election, but all they focus on is my [expletive}-ups as if Obama never made a poked a pooched or two. He wasn’t even American. We have plenty of theories, but Rudy says we still lack a little evidence that antifa is hiding from us.”
Later, the blithering blowhard returned to the testimony of “brave Ms. Hutchinson, who was unafraid to tell the House UNSELECT committee my passion for this country through the management secrets of continual covfefe that we created on The Apprentice and in the White House, where we accomplished more in a single term than most Democrats can screw up in an entire four years.”
“We had great people working and making things better as it says in the Bible,” Pussolini smiled, “and yes, sometimes I get angry and throw things, but only at the walls, never to hurt people, as brave Ms. Hutchinson testified under oath. So now maybe the do-nothing Democrats will stop doing nothing long enough to stop this constant presidential harassment about the so-called $350 million in missing gifts from foreign governments. I smashed them in fits of rage over Democrat obstruction.
“So maybe now the Dems can put this witch hunt over these ‘stolen’ millions in gifts to rest,” Pussolini concluded. “I know I’ve heard enough about it to last a lifetime.”