The Good Times Of American Family Values Are Killing Everyone But Me!

So much for empathy!

I am so glad to have been born late enough in human devolution to witness — nay, verily I willingly participate in — the sixth mass extinction, which is only the second caused by willful ignorance, if you include all the stupid sauropods who refused to heed clear warnings from the liberal authorities that staring up at an incoming asteroid was not a particularly bright activity in which to engage.

So it goes.

I resisted being pushed out into the world of our nation of miserable fucks for more than eleven months, and my mother was really trying to give birth to me, although I have no idea what the fuck for. 

I was not at all impressed by her commitment to procreation, and according to apocryphal reports from the time, I didn’t cry when slapped on the ass as the vet cleared placental mucous from my airways. Instead, I wailed: “I Told You So!” My mother always hated me for that.

You already know I don’t believe in God. If He does exist, I oppose Him. I will not obey Him, nor will I ever respect Him, considering what all you motherfuckers and your family and friends have done in His name over the millenia.

There’s a lot of other shit I don’t believe in, including Douglas Einstein’s Theory of Relatives, Life Sentences, the Universe of Healthcare, and Everything, much of the U.S. Constitution, the Bill of Rights, End User License Agreements, the Boy Scout Pledge, the Ten Commandments, the efficacy of Terms Of Service in combatting electoral dysfunction, the Twitter policy against hateful conduct, the Yeaster Buddy, Sanity Claus, and American Family Values. 

If I left out something you believe in, that only proves how inconsequential you and your beliefs truly are,

Why are you still here? No one will miss you. I promise you.

My only viable business model was dismissed by local financiers as cynical, impractical, and possibly illegal, according to the GOP, because it was based on Kurt Vonnegut’s idea of Ethical Suicide Parlors, an idea whose time has definitely come in our supply-side plantation economy.

Scientists, entertainers, and even poets, among the least useful people on the planet, have begun offing themselves at ever-increasing rates, most not even bothering to leave notes to the idiots they have left behind. It’s as if they are protesting their mothers not having aborted them when the aborting was good.

Oh. I’m sorry. That was definitely insensitive of me to the stupidest of you, but I’m sure it made several of your acquaintances and family members laugh like banshees.

Here’s a question: what kind of 75 year-old would be interested in particpating in perpetuating the values of our nation of miserable fucks on a planet owned by miserable fucks who sincerely believe the rest of us should give a shit whether their children live or die?

Hold that thought.

Got it yet?

Oh. Are you one of those people?

In that case this site is not for you. Life has nothing for you, not that you won’t try to profit from it.

#TheTerribleSwiftianSword