Johnny Deep Abuser Faces Backlash
Twitter users called for a boycott of Aquaman 2 after reports that Amber Heard also cut off several inches of one of Johnny Depp’s penises after smashing off twelve of his fingers & multiple hidden appendages with a roque mallet she claimed has been autographed by the real Jack Torrance. We reached out to no one for comment on any of these absurdities, but we’re willing to give these rumors the benefit of no doubt, because that’s The American Way!
In separate news: readers are demanding The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat start acting like a professional enemy of the people & hire a copy editor to improve the grammarly content of its reporting, or they will stop supporting our imaginary advertisers.
When informed of the boycott, Doctor Faustroll responded: “Oh, fuck off, you assholes. Stop harshing my mellow.”