I Have A Solution Like You Wouldn’t Believe
Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and one of the most self-important people in the MAGA multiverse since Pepe the Frog was apprehended during a televised act of coitus with Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC), Grabito Pussolini, is poised to unveil his long-promised “perfect health care” proposal, which includes a “surefire solution to our mass shooting inconveniences that is sure to be a big hit with very fine people on both sides of reality.”
Pussolini performed his signature small-fisted Macarena to the unlicensed strains of “Another One Bites The Dust” at an NRA convention two days after the Uvalde elementary school projectile inconvenience, while looking for a flag to hump, & the audience of NRA nimrods chanted “Fuck Them Up! Fuck Them Up!” desperate to catch the attention of tee-shirt cannon operators who had the only projectile launchers allowed at the venue, because they’re all a bunch of feckless Repugnicunt pussies.
Under Pussolini’s new improved “way better than Obamacare” proposal, every American will be eligible for unlimited urgent care anywhere in the United States when wounded by a projectile on the official NRA list of “munitions approved for use by certified good guys with guns.”
If you get shot in defense of our freedom, according to unnamed sources who know what they’re talking about, you shouldn’t have to worry about paying for your healthcare if you sign a series of non-disclosure and non-disparagement agreements, according to the GOP and the NRA, just for being collateral damage in the never-ending War on Terror.
Some observors suggest this indicate a surprise softening of the Nazi heritage stance on implied and expressed warranty claims of the Second Amendment’s merchantability or fitness of purpose.
According to YU News Service, mass casualty events caused by gunfire “are a cost of doing business in our supply-side plantation economy. Anyone who doesn’t like them apples ought to get their sorry asses back where they came from.”
Some say we have more important things to worry about than a mere 40 to 50 thousand gun deaths a year when you consider that the ongoing fossil-fuel-induced global suicide event is poised to produce reeking mounds of more than 7 billion precious souls whose only sin was being expendable and compostible.
At the same time, cultural norms will see increased demand for environmentally friendly cadaver cosies, which is a great opportunity for piece-work contractors in our burgeoning gig economy, and pro-life opportunities abound for right-wing nimrods who market directly to the unborn, who will undoubtedly perish when their hosts expire from famine, drought, fire, and projectile-induced inconveniences.
We couldn’t agree more with something we are not even going to tell you about, because that’s how we roll here at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat, a leisure service of Uncommon Sense.
It’s actually in the terms of our plea agreement. I can say no more because of a supply-side non-disclosure agreement that assures our unbroken system will never be fixed without due compensation to those who prefer you just the way you are.
That said, we are still in a state of extreme shock and awe at our patriotic commitment to American Deceptionalism.
On the positive side, that should get us all into Heaven, assuming there still is one, once Earth is a cold, dead rock.