Antifa Informant Uncovers Mar-a-Lago Money Laundering Scheme
Palm Beach County law enforcement said they found more than $1.5 billion dollars in illegal campaign contributions on the back nine at the Doral Golf Resort , thanks to a few good UPS employees who recently survived COVID and had miraculously recovered their sense of smell.
Last month, employees at the Miami UPS Store serving the Doral Golf Resort and Mar-a-Lago called police when they noticed three pallets of what appeared to be bales of cash addressed to the Save America Joint Fundraising Campaign.
The bales had been concealed in a truckload of fresh equine manure, clearly not intended to fertilize the grounds. Fresh manure would have burned the turf.
The pallets had supposedly been sent from a local mailing store in South Miami Beach, but were delivered by stragglers from the Freedom Convoy who had stopped to ask directions to Washington, D.C. after getting lost outside of Birmingham. “I thought we’d never stop to ask for directions,” said Carmella Fuentes, wife of one of the truckers.
“Since I’ve been a member of the police department, this is the largest amount of illegal campaign donations that has ever been seized in all of American history, going back to the plantation days,” Palm Beach Police Department Corporal Christian Whelker said.
Whelker claims to be nearly 80 years old but has been unable to provide a valid birth certificate to her employer, which is needed to retire in Florida. She is spry for her age.
After the UPS employees called the police, investigators examined the pallets of manure and claimed they discovered nearly 2 tons of soiled cash, with trace amounts of marijuana, cocaine, and Diet Coke.
Authorities said twenties is the most common denominations they see, and these unexplained pallets of untraceable currency often lead to violent crime, such as insurrections and clearing non-violent protestors from public places with tear gas and batons to make an area safe for presidential photo opportunities.
“Individuals who are out here making these small illegal campaign contributions at the street level, the majority of the time those individuals are armed and ready to stand their ground, which is legal in our state, and which often leads to violent encounters,” Whelker said. “Those are the individuals that we are protecting and trying to make the streets safe for.”
After discovering the manured twenties, police used spike strips to disable a van with a broken tail-light, driven by a “suspicious-looking” suspect who claimed to be Candy Owens, a conservative Internet influencer and author of “Outblack: How Supply-Side Black Entrepeneurs Can Escape From Democrat Oppression And Build Back Better With A New Plantation Economy.”
When police stopped Owens’ van, they said they could smell the dirty money inside the boxes in the back of the vehicle. A search revealed four more large boxes of illegal campaign contributions.
“It’s so exciting to be a part of an investigation where so much untraceable money has been seized,” Whelker said. “Most of the time when we are investigating violent crimes involving money, normally it is campaign contributions or other bribes that are involved because of Citizens United.
"So not only did we get this large amount of campaign money off the streets, but in return we also make the streets a lot safer at the same time. Even better, in Florida, officers get to put the money into our retirement accounts. It’s a real win-win situation for us.”
Rhoda Haute, spokesvoice for a top-secret task force focused on stemming the tide of illegal campaign contributions, said whoever they are are still trying to identify where the donations came from, where they were headed, and who stood to benefit by receiving $1.5 billion in anonymous campaign cash. “It’s all still a mystery at this point,” she said.
Owens should have been charged with trafficking in illegal campaign donations, possessing fake press credentials, driving while black, providing a fake ID to a law enforcement officer, and possession of "an indecent quantity of American currency that was clearly up to no good.”
Unfortunately, it appears Candy Owens was a fake name and whoever was using it to transport shit-covered cash to former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and perennial alternative loser Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle is still at large, having escaped custody when she was left unintended during booking when all staff went on break at the same time.
“It was totally unexpected,” Whelker said. “She promised she would wait. If you can’t trust Candy Owens, who can you trust?”