By Rupert “Jello” Pumpkin
Media Watch Expert
Pataphysical Military Sentinel
WASHINGTON (PMS) — President Fubar W. Ubu is attempting to recapture the popularity he once enjoyed when he was viewed by the world as Goober Bush, the clumsy but charming and developmentally disabled caboose on the increasingly irrelevant railroad known as the Bush family moral imperative.
As his numbers in recent polls continue to plummet, reflecting increased voter impatience with a failing economy, continuing scandals, and a mind-numbingly woodenheaded foreign policy, the president’s reelection committee has decided to buy time on Arab television to underscore his need for new sources of campaign funds to defeat John Kerry in November.
The president is expected to use the spots to expand on his charge that photographs of U.S. soldiers gloating over naked Iraqi prisoners were part of an elaborate hoax perpetrated by fugitive journalists from the outlawed Yossarian Universal News Service.
“Make no mistake. These men are evil doers,” the president told a gathering of liberal press whores on Tuesday morning, “and they’ll stop at nothing to make us look bad, because they hate freedom. They are the enemies of freedom and democracy. They have no consciousness. But we’re not letting up, because we’re hot on their trails, and we’ll get them, and bring them to justice, and you’ve seen those pictures, and I found them extra revolticating, I mean they turd my stomach, and I think you’ll all agree that their punishment should fit the crime, and it will.”
At this point in his remarks, the president produced two black hoods, embroidered with the names of Paul Fericano and Elio Emiliano Ligi, YU co-founders who have been on the run since the firebombing of their San Francisco headquarters in December of 2001. Fericano was most recently implicated in a pie attack on radio talk-show personality Al Franken, while Ligi is believed to be a member of the Tora Bora Improv, an absurdist sit-down tragedy group in Afghanistan. [Editor’s note: Ironically, Fericano and Ligi are authors of The One Minute President, which details the rise of a dimwitted young man to a position of ultimate power through the use of three pretenses: Wishes, Gladhands, and Retaliations.]
"This is an opportunity for the president to speak directly to the people in Arab nations and let them know that the phony images that we all have seen are shameless and unacceptable," White House spokesturbator Scott McLanolinhans said Tuesday night.
McLanolinhans said two 10-minute infomercials were scheduled to air Wednesday evening after prayers.
Meanwhile, senior military officials were discounting rumors that a bootcamp program for defrocked Catholic priests suspected of child sexual abuse may have inspired the journalistic terrorists to release the altered photographs. "I expect that as these investigations track down all the possible leads that there will be more things that will need to be looked at very, very carefully," Gen. Peter Pecker, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Stiffies, said Wednesday on Al Jazeera’s "The Oily Show."
“As they chase the various elements, more people come forward with bits and pieces they think they might have and that may leads us to look at other things," Pecker said. "So there will be more investigations. Where that will lead I don't know."
Some critics have suggested that the administration program to spare pedophiliac priests jail time by placing them in military police units to encourage more age appropriate sexual deviance might have been wrongheaded and shortsighted.
Other administration officials tried to distract attention from ongoing allegations that actual abuse similar to the kind portrayed at the Abu Ghraibass prison near Baghdad has been going on at Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo for nearly three years. There is no agreement on what effect the Iraqi prison hoax scandal will have on court cases involving the detainment of so-called enemy combatants.
Depends Secretary Ronald C. McRumsfeld did not apologize for any actual abuses in a Monday appearance on XYZ’s "Good Morning Abu Dhabi," but said, "Any freedom-loving person who sees these phony photographs that we've seen has to be feel apologetic to the Iraqi people who have been the victims of this cruel hoax and recognize that that is something that is unacceptable and those boys ought to be killed or captured for their actions."
In the face of growing outrage from around the world, McRumsfeld called the altered images of physical and sexual abuses at Abu Ghraibass "totally unacceptable and un-American," adding that no one should believe the behavior portrayed in the photographs actually happened.
"The actions by U.S. military personnel shown in those photos do not in any way represent the values of our country or of the armed forces or the artistic community," McRumsfeld said. He added that YU’s doctored photos were an insult to such uplifting fabrications as Saving Private Ryan and Black Hawk Down.
McRumsfeld also pooh-poohed suggestions that part of the Bush administration's justification for invading Iraq — the removal of a ruthless regime that tortured its own people — had been trivialized by the depiction of brutal behavior by U.S. soldiers against ordinary Iraqi civilians imprisoned for no reason.
“You seem to forget,” McRumsfeld corrected one questioner, “that our chief reason for going to war was to rid the world of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction, and that mission has been accomplished. Have you seen any weapons of mass destruction being used by the insurgents? Of course not. That’s because we’ve rid the world of those weapons, just as we said we would.”