We’re Regrouping To Make America Greater Than Ever
Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the GOP’s current incarnation of Jesus Christ, Grabito Pussolini’s disgraced campaign manager Paul “The Saint” Manafort was apprehended in Miami this morning on a flight to Dubai to meet with the Russian oligarchs who provide matching funds for the Turdwaffle family’s never-ending campaign to corner the market on the disposable income of America’s highly uneducated.
Manafort vowed to fight his involuntary incarceration for attempting to flee the country with a revoked passport, saying: “This is so completely unfair. This never happens to Black Lives Matter and antifa criminals, only Republicans.”
Of the nearly 2,000 heavily-armed insurrectionists still being sought in connection with the Jan. 6, 2021 attempt by white supremacists and Stand Your Ground activists to take back our nation of miserable fucks from the gays, uppities, and other disruptors, at least 50 have recently surfaced in Belarus, Russia, Crimea, Moldova, Azerbaijan, and Armenia, where they have been granted asylum to escape from persecution by liberal Nazis determined to destroy the sacred notion of #AmericaFirst.
Evan Neumann, grandson of iconic MAD Magazine mascot Alfred Evan Neumann, was recently granted asylum in Belarus, according to an official press release on Truth Social: “U.S. hero Even Neumann has received refugee status in Belarus. The document was handed to him yesterday in exchange for a small favor in the Department of Citizenship and Migration of the Internal Affairs Directorate of the Be Brest Regional Executive Committee.”
Neumann expressed relief that he is now protected from the evil-doers in America’s Deep State who have been hounding the country’s very fine people for standing up for American family values and refusing to let Jews replace us. “I feel safe in Belarus. It’s calm, reassuring, I like it in this country. I’m glad Belarus has taken care of me when so many in my native country support the thugs, antifa, and MS-13, who stole the election in 2020.”
Neumann has become something of an Internet superhero after surviving months braving the swamp in Washington, D.C. and the quicksand of liberal ideology, not to mention attacks from wild boars, venomous reptiles and insects, and godless heathens who sought to prevent him from reaching the promised land of Belarus.
“I do not believe that I have committed any crime. The accusations are baseless. They say I hit a police officer, but I only fought against the evil ones who helped steal the election from our great leader, Donald Trump,” Neumann insisted, “I did it for the children.”