All The Gnus That Give Two Shits
Lorena Boebert Forced To Close Shooter's Bar & Grill
New Owner Claims ‘Her Fucking Pea Shooters Don’t Scare Me One Bit.'
Freshman feminazi Rep. Lorena Brainer Foe Boebert (R-Word, CO), on a statewide tour to justify 240,000 miles in travel expenses on obligatory financial filings she claims “were set up with all these gotcha questions that conservatives can’t answer honestly without getting accused of lying, because the Democrats have a double-standard where they don’t get in trouble when we try to win an election by using the Second Amendment, but if they catch us in one little insurrection, they make it look like we’re trying to overthrow the government when all we’re doing is making America great again.”
Boebert is also touring in support of her new self-published autobiography of her short ludicrous career, entitled “My Husband Doesn’t Need To Wave His Penis Around: The Battle Of The Bulge,” which she dedicated to “All the firm brave members of the Greatest Generation who saved all the very fine Americans from the ovens and ready for us to put #AmericaFirst and stand our ground against the woke mob.”
Boebert’s husband Jayson Long John Boebert was convicted of indecent exposure a few years back for accidently teabagging a pair of young girls auditioning to become pistol-packing Shooter Girls at the hottest new low-brow eatery between St. Louis and Tonopah while a bunch of Tik Tok Teens filmed the entire encounter.
If Boebert is upset over losing her chief claim to fame, she’s not showing it, not just because she insists the business may eventually break even before our planet becomes unihabitable in 2028, “but it seems so unfair that the liberals can treat very fine people on the other side as if they’re the enemy, when all we want is to do what is right for our uneducated customers who like their pork sliders on the rare side
“It’s just such an inconvenient time to be an entrepreneur in the hospitality disinformation sector,” Boebert told Rafshan Hashemi bin Khesi, a stringer for Yossarian Universal News Service, “where Democrats and lazy welfare queens can keep getting COVID stimulus checks, and all we can do to make ends meet is lower our wages to where only the rapists from Mexico are willing to work for tips.
“But that means we need to train these wetbacks on gun safety,” the gunslinging proponent of America’s fast food and ephemeral services supply-side plantation economy, “ ecause of all these liability issues, and none of these Mexicans have weapons, so we have to supply them with the latest tactical Second Amendment hardware from our own personal arsenal, which puts my family at risk if antifa starts showing up at the compound to protest that we encourage all very fine people to stand their ground against these sleazy liberals. And then this Jew bought our building.”
According to Boebert, the new owner of the building, Leonard Bernstein Bruce, made unreasonable demands that “we could not agree to because of our strong Chrisitian values that include shooting at people we feel threatened by, regardless of their hair color, religion, or sexual orientation. His demands were completely discriminatory against the #AmericanFamilyValues every good American should be happy to abide by, like The Dude.”
We were unable to contact Mr. Bruce prior to hitting Publish, because he’s been dead so long he looks just fine to us, but someone who claims we used to know claims to have attended one of Bruce’s shows in the 60s in which he predicted exactly what I would be doing today.
She emailed us that Bruce was perfectly willing to compromise on many details regarding Boebert’s lease renewal, but he was adamant that the name of the establishment be changed to Shitters Bar & Grill, in honor of Boebert’s chief contribution to American capitalism thus far in her fine, fine, very fine #AltReich career.
This was apparently the time she dispatched her food truck to 2017 Rifle Rodeo and sold hundreds of undercooked pork sliders to the eager morons required to keep our unaborted unwanted children in climate destroying Pampers, which nearly overwhelmed the shit hole state's Wastewater Treatment System as nearly every right-wing asshole in Colorado ate one of those sliders and did what God put them on Earth to do.
Boebert says she’s thinking of opening a straight-only bakery or a high-capacity magazine and #covfefe shop “like a Shooters Covfefe Shop with edibles panties, sidearms, some easy breakfast sandwiches, and MAGA merchandise.”
We’re putting our money on Boebert making prison products in the not so distant future.