All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Fallout From Johnny Depp's Beat Down Of Amber Heard Continues


Fans Petition Emergency Alert System To Change Name Of Amber Alert

It’s a shame to admit it has come to this, but Amber is no longer a name in the English language to be trusted to represent the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about putting shit in her hubby’s bed.

Oh, as if you’ve never thought of doing it to your insignificant other.

Thousands of e-mails and billions of texts have been arriving at emergency services agencies around the globe demanding that the Amber Alert be renamed after “someone more appropriate, like Billie Eilish or Lizzo.”

According to some Facebook journalistas, use of the Amber Alert system has “dropped off dramatically” since the verdict in yet another trial of the century that proves the rule of lawyers really works to made life better for everyone.

This is happening at the same time the number of missing and endangered children is at its highest levels since the late Pleistocene.

Commenters on the site claim “honest, hard-working people are no longer willing to trust the emergency alert system for help in finding their abducted children,” saying they don’t want to demean the memory of a missing loved one who never harmed anyone and surely wouldn’t lie under oath.

When told by an off-topic commenter that the Amber Alert was actually named Amber Rene Hagerman, a nine-year-old from Arlington, Texas, who was abducted and found murdered in 1996, the original poster called the comment a hoax, insisting that Wikipedia is owned by George Soros.

“There is no reason that God’s green new deal would allow a little girl in the past to have her memory befouled by a crazy lady in the present,” wrote Yvette Meow, “because guilt by association is nine-tenths of the law where I come from.”