All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Elon Musk To Make Twitter The First Social Media Company On Mars


Twitter Board Recognizes A Great Deal When They See One

Billionaire extraordinaire Elon Musk has apparently made Twitter an offer they can’t refuse by proposing to buy all outstanding shares in the professional censorship platform for “a People’s Convoy of doge coins.”

Musk, who recently tweeted his intention to begin selling a new line of testosterone boosting fragrances under the Musk Ox brand “to counteract the odors of global warming,” also promised to move its headquarters to Mars in the first wave of colonization of that planet in early 2024.

“This solves so many problems,” tweeted Twitter co-founder Jack Dorsey, who left the company last year to focus his attention to other online endeavors that suggest he hopes to do for pornography, religion, and philosophy what Twitter has done for the First Amendment and critical thought processes.

“There is no Constitution on Mars,” Dorsey noted, “which renders the more problematic sections of the Bill of Rights moot, while preserving the profitability that makes Twitter and other plantation media models such a great way to become rich without facing consequences for resultant emotional violence or physical harm through the use of TOS documents that disclaim any implied or explicit warranties for fitness of purpose.”

Musk might have refused to answer a list of questions we did not not send him, because it never made it through the complete risk assessment review process, so we’ll just have to leave this story right here, right now.