All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

The *Real* Reason So Many Republicans Are Mad At Madison Cawthorn


He’s Making Us Look Like Democrats Complain Nazis

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and greatest bankruptcy escape artist in the history of modern necromancy, Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini, actually planned and fomented a failed insurrection on Jan 6, 2021, and is still considered the GOP favorite to run for führer again in 2024 and finally establish the fabled shining #AltReich city on a hill.

Marjoe Faylure Portnoy (R-Word, GA) and Paul Twinkletoes Gosar (R-Word, AZ) were crowned Mr. & Mrs. Very Fine People On Our Side at a recent white supremacist sales conference for uber-achievers, and the GOP dismissed outrage by 70% of moderate Repugnicunts as “more news of new cancel culture initiatives from the woke mob who want to take your guns and rape your family values.”

But the latest elected Helms On Wheels from North Carolina, freshman Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn, apparently crossed the line when he revealed the open-secret of Deep State invitation-only sex and drug orgies the GOP has managed to keep hidden for hundreds of years through the use of non-disclosure and non-disparagement agreements that all party members must agree to as a pre-existing condition of absolution by association.

Some of my best friends are Republicans, so I asked them what to think of recent revelations that the GOP is woke enough to include the handicapped in its legendary coke-fueled orgies. 

I wondered if he uses a penis pump or if he’s been faking the whole story about how he was paralyzed from the waist down while storming a heavily fortified antifa position as his unit fought to retake Seattle’s Anarchist Autonomy Zone under the command of General Oliver North during Iran Contra War.

“Were you surprised to find that the GOP has so many wheelchair fetishists?” I asked my Republican friends, as confidently as a professional journalist might ask Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Word, TX) if he ever wanted to tell his mother he blows.

“Shall I take your silence to mean YES?” I continued, filling the stunned silence with inappropriate banter.

I see no reason to continue.