All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Intel To Invest $20 Billion In Ohio Chip Factory


Biden Touts Deal As A Real Win-Win Proposition

Lameduck Democrat President Joe Biden & Intel Chairman Pat Gelsinger toured an abandoned “opportunity zone” in Cleveland yesterday, announcing plans for a new $20 billion factory “that will create more jobs than you can shake a stick at.”

Intel had been looking to cut costs after years of downsizing and redeployments that have left many of the company’s core competencies staffed by domestic and foreign contractors who would work for Apple if they had any talent or integrity.

Secret memos uncovered by YU News Service reporter Leonard “The Bruce” Gawain suggest the company was surprised to find that investing in Ohio would significantly reduce labor costs compared to other facilities in Oregon, California, and Arizona, which had long ago become more expensive than moving production overseas.

“This is a great investment in the future of Cleveland & the kind of people who call Cleveland their home or depend on Cleveland for their livelihoods or perhaps are researchers, anthropologists, and others who want to document the glorious history of Cleveland & its suburban oases,” said Gelsinger, adding “We could have spent $80 million in Chinese or Indonesia to build a similar factory, but we’re an American company, and it only makes sense to invest our money here, where it goes farther.”