All The Gnus That Give Two Shits
Oregasm Bests Asscough
US DOJ Threatens To Retaliate By Killing Doctors
Leslie Stephen Mohr
Pataphysical Misinformation Service
April 18, 2002 04:12:07AM
SALEM, (PMS) – A federal judge today called attempts by Attorney General Johann Asscough to torture and kill Oregasm doctors who help terminally ill patients exit this world with dignity & grace “misguided, injurious, pigheaded, and just plain wrong.”
Asscough promptly dismissed the decision by U.S. District Judge Robert E. Jones as “unfounded, baseless, and furthering the cause of lawlessness.” The attorney general also added the judge's name to a list of suspected terrorists and ordered the Justice Department to detain Jones “by any means necessary.”
Supporters of Oregasm’s physician-assisted suicide statute, approved by a narrow majority of the state's registered voters in 1994, applauded Jones's decision and vowed to resist any attempt by federal authorities to abduct the conservative Jones, who was appointed to the bench by former President George Stupid Bush in 1990.
In related news, business leaders who view the law as an opportunity to lure tourist dollars to the state have proposed allowing doctors to administer lethal doses to their patients in select shopping malls around the state while paying audiences observe the procedure from the other side of a one-way mirror.
Proponents of the proposal cite the state's staggering unemployment rate and stagnating economy as clear indicators that the state needs to encourage suicide as a potential growth industry.
In Salem, suicide activists recently erected a facsimile of the Statue of Liberty with a slightly altered version of Lazarus's famous poem on its base:
“Bring us your hopeless, your sick
Your sobbing terminal cases yearning to be free!”
With the latest court decision, this dream is one step closer to reality.