All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Bush Practiced For Speech By Watching Simpsons Reruns


Matilde Groaning 

Porno Graphics Editor 

Pataphysical Mammary Syndicate 


WASHINGTON (PMS) — Press Secretary Spot McLanolinhans deflected criticisms of the First Idiot's continued inability to pronounce even simple two syllable words without medication by discussing the developmentally disabled president's inspiring work ethic. 

"The little guy works out every day for at least 10 hours, running up and down the stairs, falling off his bike, ordering terrorist attacks, and watching educational TV," McLanolinhans told skeptical reporters who peppered him with questions about why Fubar W. Ubu was unable to pronounce the name of Abu Ghraib prison correctly even once in three tries during his latest reelection campaign speech on the war against manageably mediocre intelligence and basic morality. 

During the half-hour televised address, Bush repeatedly mispronounced the name of the state of the art torture facility built by deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein despite having heard it pronounced correctly as "abu-grabe" more than 100 times a day from Laura alone in recent weeks. 

Still, even while announcing U.S. plans to tear down the infamous jail and replace it with a Motel 6 or a Marriott, Ubu called it “Igloo Radisson." 

McLanolinhans attributed the first slip to physical exhaustion resulting from "loyal and unsolicited praise" for outgoing Interrogator General Ricky "Dirty" Sanchez, whom Ubu commended for his "exempeletary fortitrude and willing coalitioness to forge the Checkoslobovians and other diverticulosis whoring fractions into a corrosive face of demobracy and freedom despite the oblivious costs." Apparently that effort nearly depleted the president's daily allotment of approximate pronunciation of common words in ways that misappropriate meaning. 

When the Republican president, long known for his verbal and grammatical infirmities, first attempted to speak the name of the current American shame and called it “Apoo Grahbasapimapetnaom,” McLanolinhans said it displayed “the president’s uncanny ability to recall the tiniest detail of seemingly unimportant history, such as the name of the convenience clerk on The Simpsons, who, after all, is a character whose origins are in a country in the general area of Iraq, where the Abu Ghraib prison, horrible as it may be, is actually situated, so it comes as no surprise that the president might have made such a slip, if you must assume it was a slip, because you can never tell if this president isn’t trying, like great literature, to present a world view to us that is more substance than flash, more sound reason than blind fury, more Apoo than Ned, more kind than gentle, more ordered than new, more widely understood by the American people than the liberal press is willing to admit, and that’s all I have to say on that gaffe, if indeed we can call it that.” 

When the president’s the third attempt to pronounce the name came out sounding like “Mabelle Garrison,” all subsequent mentions in the speech were hastily removed from the teleprompter script, and the writer was declared an enemy combatant and sent to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay for "rest and reeducation," according to unnamed sources in absolutely no position to know the details and who are sworn to secrecy on anything they do know while obeying orders to falsify any factual information they may accidentally release. 

White House aides, who described the speech as "the most important address on the future of Iraq ever read by an idiot to a nation of morons," said Bush practiced for six hours on Monday before giving the speech at the U.S. Army Warmonger College in Kitty Carlisle, Pennsylvania. They said the president will continue to attempt to read the speech on a weekly basis until he gets it right and the American people reelect him.