All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Ashcroft Vows To Persecute Florida Advocates For Choice


By Darwin D. Grimm

The Church of the Oven of Peace

The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic

June 8, 2001 05:29AM

WEST PALM BEACH (YU) – Now that the first of last November’s pregnant chads are being stillborn or aborted, Attorney General John Ashcroft has reaffirmed his commitment to the rights of the unborn to grow up to be used for target practice or imprisoned.  In the wake of the first late term abortion resulting from the surfeit of pregnant chads from the last November and speaking on condition of extreme anonymity, strategists for Timothy McVeigh’s defense consortium confirmed that their client committed suicide nearly three months ago and that they are now fervently defending the rights of the afterborn to a fair trial.

As a result, the McVeigh legal team is not concerned that their client will probably be executed in less than a week. “Justice will out!” screamed one drunken barrister as he sped away from the district court.

The man currently on death row awaiting crucifixion on Flag Day (which this year falls on June 11 as the result of an executive order by President Goober W. Bush) is apparently the latest in a long line of surgically altered marine mammals who have been substituted for real or imagined celebrities in recent years.

The most tragic substitution involved former President Ronald Reagan who was replaced by a genetically modified elephant seal in 1980 following his assassination by John Hinckley. 

Flipper Reagan was unable to withstand the rigors of public prevarication and quickly succumbed to the massive brain trauma. As a result, Flipper developed Oldtimers Disease and was shipped to a fjord in Iceland where he is attended to by his trainer, Nancy, and his good friend Keiko.