All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Released Prisoners Shot While Attempting To Complain


Marcus D. Sadr

Bonded Disciplinary Critic

Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service


ABU GHRAIBASS, Iraq (PMS) – American troops opened fire on a crowd of several thousand Iraqi civilians being released from the luxurious Abu Ghraibass minimum security prison on Friday after they refused repeated requests to stop producing photos and videotapes of their alleged torture and humiliation at the hands of a few evil rotten apples among the otherwise wonderful US guards and civilian contractors. At least 20 Arab journalists were also reported killed in the cross-fire. Another nine are missing and presumed dead.

Meanwhile, coalition forces stormed a cemetery in Najaf to quell an uprising of Islamic corpses produced during previous carpet bombing campaigns in Iraq during the reigns of King Stupid I and High Dude Clinton. Unnamed sources say the living dead have begun attacking American troops with increased ferocity in recent weeks, killing more than 200 since April Fool’s day and permanently disabling 2,300 others.

Less than 24 hours after US Indefensible Secretary Ronald C. McRumsfeld visited Abu Ghraibass as part of the president’s reelection campaign war without end, thousands of camel-drawn famine relief carts exited the recreational sex industry site carrying 31,500 sobbing prisoners, many of them with portions of broomsticks still protruding from between their buttocks.

When the former detainees spilled from the carts and began handing over disputed evidence of widespread abuse to crowds of journalists from Abu Dhabi, the United Arab Emirates, Libya, Egypt, and other strongholds of liberal contempt for democracy, freedom, American initiative and economic growth, soldiers ordered the prisoners to stop complaining and instructed the journalists to hand over all contraband, including one tape which allegedly shows General Ricardo “Dirty” Sanchez threatening to cut the vagina out of a pre-teen Iraqi with a posthole digger unless she consented to anal sex. According to one depraved source, Sanchez performed the act while wearing an official NFL Pat Tillman jersey.

As the US administration tried to head off a widening investigation of its torture and terrorist extermination programs, US colonial governor for Iraq Paul Bremer threatened the possibility of an American pullout unless the American public loses its renewed interest in speeches by Fubar W. Ubu repeatedly stating that the Geneva Convention rules for the treatment of prisoners does not apply in his reelection campaign war on terror. 

"Make no mistake about it,” Bremer said, “If the provisional government asks us to leave we will leave, and that will be the last thing these people ever ask for," referring to a post-June 30 administration after the American handover of sovereignty to whoever is left standing. 

"I don't think these people are stupid enough to have that happen, but you never know with these ragheads, and obviously we don’t allow countries to exist where we're not welcome," he said while interrogating a teenage suspect in a Baghdad Motel 6. 

The prison abuse scandal should have badly hurt Ubu’s reelection efforts as the campaign staff tries to claim the abuse of thousands of prisoners in Iraq, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Dubai, and Cuba was carried out by a handful of bad Americans who voted for Al Gore in 2000 in the same way it says the insurgency represents a handful of Iraqis who hate freedom and democracy and are acting like pack of unruly skateboarders.

The first cartload of released prisoners was dropped off at the corner al-Franqen St. and Kehane Blvd. on the western outskirts of Baghdad, where they provided journalists with detailed accounts of their brutal treatment in US custody. 

Adenoid Kashoggi, 10, said he was arrested over a year ago and accused of being a terrorist mastermind. 

"They kept me in solitary confinement for six months," he said. “They hung me by my penis from the wall for two days until it became very long, for which I am nevertheless ungrateful. One day when I was in the hospital, a soldier came in and asked if I was a Muslim and then he put on a video of Britney Spears kissing a very old woman right in front of me. It was so gross I could not my stomach keep down. I am sure Allah has damned me, long penis and all." 

Rafshan Hashemi Bukowski, 87, said he was imprisoned for several weeks and was also hung from a wall by his penis for days while he was "asked to confess to impure thoughts about the American forces. I finally admitted I liked their uniforms and they made me excited. I told them I sabotaged a baseball field by putting up a soccer goal." 

These allegations could not be independently verified and administration officials say such stories are even easier to fabricate than the photographs published of Iraqi prisoners in humiliating sexual poses, cowering before snarling dogs and made to stand balanced on a box with wires attached to their nutsacks. Those photos, sources now say, were the work of fugitive members of Terrorist Poets and Writers, Inc. and the co-founders of Yossarian Universal News Service who have been on the run since Attorney General Johann Asscough called them enemy combatants, firebombed their headquarters, and ordered them killed or captured, whichever comes first.

Another batch of prisoners is expected to be executed next week as the US hurries to reduce suspected witnesses to alleged abuse at the prison to below 200 from the current list of nearly 420,000 before the November election.