All The Gnus That Give Two Shits

Drunken Elephants Bang Hilton


Billy Katzinsakiswinkle

Essential Existential Editor

Fabulous Information Bureau


NORTHHAMPTON (FIB) — Paris Hilton is tired of hearing about her party girl days as an amateur porn hole, and in recent weeks she has demonstrated her resolve to ensure her legacy upon the humanitarian stage. In Darfur, she had proposed a solution to mass starvation by tipping the famine relief cart drivers. In Rwanda, she agreed to postpone her charity visit "to prevent stampedes of autograph seekers from trampling innocent victims of the cult of celebrity."

But despite all her efforts to “show the world, such as, you know, who am I and what I stand on and for, such as, you know, um,” Hilton is committed to correcting the image “some people have, you know, who prefer to treat me like a muffin, when I am really, such as, not at all, such as, the reportage of me in the media. Take the elephants in India."

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming very really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to these elephants and make it a crime to serve alcohol to elephants and make elephanta carry cards to prove they are old enough, to drink, you know. We make humans do that,” the 26-year-old NOMF™ role model told Weekly Reader this morning.

Hilton recently filed an appeal of her sentence and subsequent jail term for a reckless driving conviction earlier this year, claiming that police falsified evidence about the incident and refused to acknowledge “that a big fat drunken elephant was driving the car, and I was only a passenger, and it's just so unfair that we let these elephants get away with drinking and killing people, and then, sure, go ahead and blame it on the blond! I'm not a Republican! I'm a Libertarian!"

Hilton complained that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen get better press than she does despite rumors of coprophilia involving the former child stars. "Britney, Christina, Madonna, J-Lo, and all those other so-called celebrities, why don't you go after them the way you do after me? Is it because I'm rich, talented, and humble?"

Unidentified sources with the Los Angeles police department assured FIB that Hilton never offered a drunken elephant defense during the traffic stop and subsequent booking, and the first anyone heard about it came after a report at Doctor Rat's Blog earlier this month that described an incident last month where six thirsty pachyderms stormed a multinational agricultural operation manned by ignorant peasants and sucked down nearly 300 gallons of homemade rice beer. 

The elephants subsequently charged a stray poodle dog and ventured into the Frunobulax power plant where they contacted a large transformer and were electrocuted.

"There would have been many more casualties if the villagers hadn't chased them away from the homes and after the poodle. And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago, and several others on September 11, 2001. It is just so sad. It breaks my heart," Hilton told an answering machine that would neither confirm nor deny its existence.

Even worse, it now appears that Hilton may have been sexually abused as a child with a carved onyx elephant snout, a gift from the family priest. "It is just so sad," said another unnamed source close to no one with nowhere plans for nobody.

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