All The News To Give You Shits

I Remain Opposed To A Nation Of Miserable Fucks Committed To Poopadoodle

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

No Good Has Ever Come From Trying To Get Heavily-Armed Ignorant Nazis To Plan For The FutureWell, I could be wrong.
I’ve been wrong before.
I was wrong earlier today.
I’ll probably be wrong again before I post this.
Would you mind pointing that thing somewhere else?

House Repugnicunts Vow To Protect Trump From Woke Mob

Thursday, March 23, 2023

“Nobody Messes With Our Favorite President Or Our Great Heritage,” Says Rep Jism Jordan (R-Word, OH)Arguing that interference with ongoing criminal investigations into former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and recycled Nazi scumbag Grabito Pussolini “is not obstruction,” the House Committee...

Classified Documents Recovered From Mike Pence's Poop Chute During Routine Colonoscopy

Tuesday, January 24, 2023

Agents Remove Two Reams Of Classified Material Reported Missing By The National ArchivesFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and America’s favorite neo-Nazi Grabito Pussolini’s vice president, Mikey “ e’ll Eat Anything” Pence expressed surprise when confronted by the liberal media over...

George DeSantos (R-Word, NY) Confesses That He Was Consummated During The Second Coming

Monday, January 16, 2023

"My Mother Mary Spoke To Me Saying Let It Be Yes Yes Yes Oh Thank You Lord Yes,” Amateur Illusionist Representative Tells Religious Press WhoresI don’t know about your neighbors, but I don’t know about mine either.

Trump To Give Bolsonaro Sanctuary At Mar A Lago

Monday, January 9, 2023

Claims “Greatest First Lady” Graciously Offers Brazilian Waxing Magnate Use Of Closet Befouled By “Toxic Democrat Law Enforcers"Amid growing international calls for the arrest of Brazil’s ousted right-wing president for crimes against humanity and the environment, fomenting unrest, and inciting his...

FTC Proposes Rule That Would Ban Noncompete Clauses

Thursday, January 5, 2023

How About Banning Non-Disclosure Agreements (NDAs) Next?It’s not like 40 years of our Reagan legacy of supply-side plantation economics hasn’t sufficiently illustrated that non-disclosure agreements (NDAs) are predominately used to hide unethical, immoral, illegal, or planet-destroying activities by...

Turdwaffle Demands Supporters Buy More Trading Cards That Are Sold Out

Saturday, December 24, 2022

“The Liberals Are Making Us Look Like Fools,” Fat Old Fucking Fool Tells Army Of AdmirersResponding to reports that his photoshopped trading cards have lost more than 75% of their imaginary value since the initial scam offering was made available to those who already owned more MAGA caps than could...

Perhaps I'm Still Unclear On The Concept...

Thursday, December 15, 2022

…But Why Should I Have To Get A Gun To Protect Myself From Good Or Bad Projectile Addicted Varmints Who Like To Shoot Holes In Shit?Let’s discuss today’s #ExistentialTrickQuestion class.
Last I checked, gun ownership in America has always appealed to a rabidly loud and lower class market segment...

Hershel Walker Says Dems Hate Him For Living In Texas

Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Why I Got To Live In That Shit Ho State? 1982 Heisman Trophy Winner Naively AsksRandy Willie Hersh has a good point. Except for the living in Texas part.

Ignorant White Folks Demand Ashli Babbitt Get Medal Of Freedumb

Wednesday, November 30, 2022

Dems Bow To GOP Pressure, Rename Capitol Cloakrooms Butt Holders For Babbitt#TheTerribleSwiftianSword

No One Ever Went Broke Betting That Americans Are Stupid

Wednesday, November 23, 2022

The Right To Life Bunch Ensures More Are Born Every Minute!Ain’t that #TheAmericanWay?

I'm Officially Endorsing Donald Trump To Be The 2024 GOP Presidential Candidate

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Bring Us Your GOP Strawngmen And Strawngwimmens To Burn To The GroundOnly suicidal Nazis, idiots, and confused heavily-armed Christians vote against their own self-interest.

Repugnicunts Blast Democrats For Illegally Voting

Wednesday, November 9, 2022

They Vote Like Roaches If You Don’t Control ThemFollowing a little light spotting instead of the predicted 2022 midterm red wave, Repugnicunts vow to attack the source of their most recent debacle by making it even harder for Democrats to vote.
“How can we expect to win elections,” said Ronna “The...

I Always Wondered What Happens

Thursday, November 3, 2022

When Everyone You Wanted To Like You Is Already DeadDoes it hurt?
I hope so.

That Nazis Are Running Neck & Neck With Moderates Is No Surprise

Thursday, October 13, 2022

This Is What Happens When A Free Press Can Be Bought & Sold Like Any Other Untested Dietary SupplementI’m about to give up saying #IToldYouSo.
Obviously, my work on Earth is approaching its expiry date.

MAGA Cookbook Scheduled For October Release

Friday, September 2, 2022

Featuring Marjoe Faylure Malaprop’s Famous “Garden Of Eden Style Gestapo”#SoupNazisRiseAgain

Trump Issues Strong Condemnation Of FBI Search Of Melania's Panty Drawers

Saturday, August 27, 2022

Why Would Anyone Grab My Wife’s Panties?Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and kind of president you might want to bring along to a ritual sacrifice, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini reacted predictably to the release of a heavily redacted affadavit that convinced a judge appointed by Pussolini...

Sobbing Laura Loomer Refuses To Concede, Claims Election Rigged By Florida Antifa

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

If They Can Do This To Me, They Can Keep You From Winning Elections TooCiting Twitter polls conducted by her campaign staff leading up to Tuesday’s resounding defeat for the extreme white-wing fascist, everyone’s favorite social-media funded political sloppy seconds, Laura Loomer (R-Word, FL) vowed...

People Sometimes Ask Me When Americans Got So Stupid

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

Why Should I Have To Remind You Idiots That We’re All Born That Way?As far as I can tell Americans have always been stupid. They are descended from idiots. They have been raised by idiots. They admire idiots. Why should anyone expect them not to be idiots?

GOP Says Kansas Abortion Vote Was Rigged By Unwanted Fetuses

Monday, August 22, 2022

We Can’t Let These Godless Woke Zygotes Get Us Down“This is an abomination in the eyes of our Lord,” said Mark “Whitey” Gietzen, addressing the recent landslide victory for opponents of the kind of fascist theocrats St. Frank Zappa warned us about during Old Rummy Reagan’s administration, “such as...

It's A Feature, Not A Bug

Saturday, August 20, 2022

Nobody’s Been Telling Me That Many Of My Links Are BrokenThey work for me.
Which is why I occasionally include screenshots of what you would see at the links I provide, if you were only me, but you’re not, so get over it.
If God had intended for the Internet to give a fat rat’s booty about your...

Kari Lake Calls Trump, DeSantis Big Dicks

Monday, August 15, 2022

Stormy Daniels Calls Kari Lake A Dumb CuntFreedom of speech belongs to those who take it out for a walk every now and then.

Trump Did Not Offer ‘Nuclear Codes’ In Fundraising Email, Fact-Check Finds

Saturday, August 13, 2022

That Was Only In Texts To Gold Card Members, Eric Pushes Back
I knew this was too good to be #FakeNews.

Can Anyone Remember When The GOP Weren't Pro-Nazi (Christian Nationalist) Kochsuckers??

Thursday, August 11, 2022

Me Neither And I Remember When Ike Played Golf Entirely Too Much In The 50s & Stupidity Was Not Yet Our Biggest Gross Domestic ProductBetween the proudly ignorant and the maliciously unctious, it’s amazing this nation of miserable fucks has lasted so long.
I won’t miss it.
That’s what makes a...

New Warning That Collapse Of Antarctica ‘Sleeping Giant’ Could Raise Sea Level More Than 16 Feet

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Whew! I’m So Glad We’re 18 Feet Above Sea Level & Have A Mountai Range Between Us And The Ocean
How about you?
Another so-so #ExistentialTrickQuestion.

Top Nazis Blast FBI For Recovery Of Classified Documents From Former Führer's Mar A Lago Tax Shelter

Monday, August 8, 2022

Trump Claims Liberal Gazpacho Stole Evidence From His Safe”They’ll do anything to persecute me,” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and kind of despot the Founding Fathers thought they had effectively guarded the nation against, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini today coerced the fake media to...

As Old What's His Name Used To Almost Say

Saturday, August 6, 2022

He Who’s Not Busy Going Into Debt Is A Goddamn Commie!Somebody gave this guy a Medal of Freedumb?

Brett Kavanaugh Threatens To Sue Liberal Media For Defamation

Friday, August 5, 2022

Without Me, Says Associate Justice, There Would Be No National Boofing DayInsisting that he is obviously part of the #AmericaFirst agenda promised by former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & only president to honestly believe that boofing is currently under consideration to become an official...

I Hate The Summer

Sunday, July 31, 2022

I Used To Think I Liked ItBut I always really hated it. It was too hot and you were supposed to like to take your cloths off at the beach with thousands of people who could laugh at you.
If you didn’t like summer you were either a faggot or a commie or working for the big boss.
Didn’t make much...

Sounds Like Ron The Con DeSantis Never Went To Public School

Friday, July 29, 2022

Most Of My Elementary School Teachers Tried To Beat The Human Being And Lefty Out Of MeHand me a DeSantisary nakkin, please.

Vacation Tips For Our Very Fine People On Both Sides

Sunday, July 24, 2022

Sunscreen Does Not Stop Sea Level Rise

Canadian Casket Maker Says Demand For Child-Sized Coffins Has Increased 'Dramatically' Since 2020

Saturday, July 23, 2022

Blames Antifa, Vaccines, the Climate Change Hoax, & A Recent Surge In Amateur Voodoo Practitioners For Shocking Rise In Spontaneous Extreme Late Term Abortions Of Potential Value Voters“This can’t be a coincidence,” said Miquel “Dirty” Sanchez, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not...

Lorena Boebert Forced To Close Shooter's Bar & Grill

Thursday, July 14, 2022

New Owner Claims ‘Her Fucking Pea Shooters Don’t Scare Me One Bit.'Freshman feminazi Rep. Lorena Brainer Foe Boebert (R-Word, CO), on a statewide tour to justify 240,000 miles in travel expenses on obligatory financial filings she claims “were set up with all these gotcha questions that conservatives...

Boris Johnson Stepped Down Because He Had Been Filmed At One Of His COVID Parties Wearing Maggie Thatcher's Lingerie

Monday, July 11, 2022

He’s No Ronald Reagan, House Of Lords Shouts GenteelyWrite your own story. I have better things to do.

I've Been Stuck On Question 6 Of The Colbert Questionert

Saturday, July 9, 2022

What Do You Think Happens When We Die?This is such an obvious #ExistentialTrickQuestion I can’t believe late night theologian Stephen Colbert allowed himself to fall for it.

Just look around. Same shit, different batch of bad news.

How About We Just Rebrand July Fourth From Independence To Second Amendment Day?

Wednesday, July 6, 2022

Every Year We Can Set Our Goals For Increasingly Greater Heights Of Stupidity With Revolving Sponsorship!Last I checked, during the most recent of our supply-side shopping holiday seasons, several not-so-good guys (&gals?) with guns managed to kill more than 220 upstanding & not-so-upstanding citizens...

Another Great #ExistentialTrickQuestion

Sunday, July 3, 2022

Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?

Repugnicunt Rep. Lorena Boebert Told Congregation She's "Tired Of This Separation Of Church And State Junk"

Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Says Godless Liberals Should Go Back To AfricaSpeaking at the Kornerstone Kristian Kongregation in Bumfuck, CO, on Sunday, Rep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) said God had lubed former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & Ahriman’s favorite nephew, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini to “save our great country’s...

Turdwaffle Hails Supreme Court Ruling Favoring Pussy Grabbing Over Reproductive Rights

Friday, June 24, 2022

“Promises Made, Promises Kept,” Failed Führer Crows On Personal BlogHinting that he “no longer finds the GOP conservative enough for our uneducated base,” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and modern day Herod the Haranger, Donaldo Grabito Pussolini posted a series on increasingly Nazi...

Little Marco Rubio Votes Against Gun Bill

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Claims Bill Is Rushed Kneejerk Reaction To Poor Policing In Uvalde Caused By Antifa Defunding Efforts
“I didn’t have enough time to read the bill,” says Marco Polio Rubio (R-Word, FL) in explaining why he was “forced to vote no on this hastily written bill to fix our God-given Second Amendment rights...

SpaceX Reportedly Fired Employees Who Wrote Letter Criticizing Elon Musk

Friday, June 17, 2022

Musk Declines Comment, Cites Non-Disclosure AgreementAfter several SpaceX employees were fired for bullying and making valuable assets to the company uncomfortable by releasing a public letter criticizing billionaire Musk’s behavior, most sentient humans are looking forward to seeing how Twitter will...

Whenever Anyone Suggests There Is No Need To Understand Critical Race Theory...

Tuesday, June 14, 2022

…Point Them To This NYT Interview With Tom Hanks“I read history for pleasure, and when I found out about Tulsa, the question I was was, Why had I not heard about Tulsa?”

Mysterious Repeating Radio Signal Detected From Space - Study

Sunday, June 12, 2022

QAnon Claims The Message Comes From GodThe jury is out on what, if anything, the fast radio bursts (FRB) occasionally detected coming from deep space portend. Are they natural phenomena, the result of normal nuclear reactions? Are they warning messages from the Weyland-Yutani Nebula, or greetings from...

Fallout From Johnny Depp's Beat Down Of Amber Heard Continues

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

Fans Petition Emergency Alert System To Change Name Of Amber AlertIt’s a shame to admit it has come to this, but Amber is no longer a name in the English language to be trusted to represent the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about putting shit in her hubby’s bed.
Oh, as if you’ve...

Gohmert Complains He Can't Lie To The FBI Anymore

Saturday, June 4, 2022

Whatever Happened To What Made This Country Great?Rep. Louie “Louie Louie” Gohmert (R-Word, TX) raged like a heathen with deviled crabs Friday morning when informed that former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Grabito Pussolini’s former advisor Peter Navarro was handcuffed, had a sack placed...

Mona Lisa Creamed By Deranged Suitor

Monday, May 30, 2022

Whip It Good Now, Says Attacker’s MomAre we not men?

It's Too Soon To Talk About Gun Control While Dead Peole Are Grieving

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Some Of My Best Friends Would Make Great Targets Or Shooters, Take Your PickWhy is it when there’s a new mass shooting, no one ever says: “Well, there but for the grace of God…”?
I didn’t realize Death Wish was such a patriotic motivator for our nation of miserable fucks.

How Can You Tell You Have Monkey Pox?

Monday, May 23, 2022

Use The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat's Handy Chart

If You're So Rich Why Ain't You Smart?

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Tik Tok Teens Blast Old Fogey Elon Musk For Being A Big DouchebagIf I weren’t currently permanently banned from Twitter, like former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and alleged Nazi Kochsucker Grabito Pussolini, I’d probably get a 48 hour suspension for this post.

Reducing Harmful Air Pollution Has Led To A Surprising Effect — More Hurricanes In The North Atlantic

Friday, May 13, 2022

GOP Proposes Increasing Pollution To Decrease Storm DamageInsisting that life and the rules governing it are indeed binary and cannot be challenged, Repugnicunts issued a unanimous decision that all environmental protections must be reversed to spare the US coastline of more devastating storms that...

Fuck Joe Manchin...

Wednesday, May 11, 2022

…In His Eye SocketWho succumbed to the Democrat coronavirus hoax and made that ignorant Wet Vagina motherfucker King of American Family Values?
I hate #AmericanFamilyValues.
The sooner they are dead and buried, the sooner we might get around to having a livable planet for more than another dozen...

NASA To Stream Porn To Lure Wealthy White Space Invaders

Friday, May 6, 2022

GOP Slams Plan, Vows To Use Space Force To Shoot Down RocketsCalling NASA’s announcement that it had partnered with Pornhub to send naked pictures of people out into the cosmos to lure horny extraterrestrials to Earth to get down with their bad selves, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator...

Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-Word, FL) Responds To Trevor Noah Cracking Jakes About Him At The White House Correspondents Dinner

Thursday, May 5, 2022

Threatens To Sue Comedian For Lying About His Presence At Event“You wouldn’t catch me dead in that shit hole of woke journalism,” Ron “Little Don” told his personal press entourage during a briefing critiquing the latest Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) porn video, “but for them to advertise...

Trump Court To Strike Down Woman's Right To Choose

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

Sen Susan Vodka Collins (R-Word, ME) Expresses DisappointmentAfter word leaked that the Supreme Court had already drafted an opinion overturning Roe v Wade for violating the 10th amendment during Brett Boofer Kavanaugh’s contentious confirmation hearings, Maine’s most embarrassing Senator insisted...

DeSantis Vows Florida Will Allow Fetuses To Carry Firearms & Stand Their Ground Without Permits 'Before I Am Done As Governor'

Friday, April 29, 2022

2024 GOP Presidential Contender Promises To Put New Teeth In Whoring Right To Life MovementI swear I’m probably making some of this up, although I do confess that every now and then it gets a little hard to tell just who is still alive and well.

The good news in all this, of course, is #FloridaMan...

People's Convoy Received $750 Million In COVID Funds During Trump Administration

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

Ineligible Trucking Company Agreed To Do The President A Little Favor ThoughFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and guy who obviously never met an honest accountant he couldn’t flip, Dimwit Don Grabito Pussolini apparently used the Cares Act to save a floundering trucking company in exchange...

Elon Musk To Make Twitter The First Social Media Company On Mars

Monday, April 25, 2022

Twitter Board Recognizes A Great Deal When They See OneBillionaire extraordinaire Elon Musk has apparently made Twitter an offer they can’t refuse by proposing to buy all outstanding shares in the professional censorship platform for “a People’s Convoy of doge coins.”
Musk, who recently tweeted...

If Trump Had Managed To Kill Pence On Jan 6, Things Would Have Been Different

Sunday, April 24, 2022

Should We Ask Steve Bannon Whether The Car Pence Refused To Leave The Capitol In Belonged To The Bomboni Brothers?Seriously?
And what about those concrete Air Jordans in the trunk? Are we really supposed to believe they were for added traction?
#JeanPaulSatire raises more #ExistentialQuestions....

Most Americans Won't Miss Florida When Climate Change Swallows It Up

Friday, April 22, 2022

Poll Shows Young People No Longer Willing To Put Up With Parents’ American Family Values“If all you old fucks keep acting like dicks,” said one anonymous Tik Tok Teen at yesterday’s Fuck The Futurists Rally in Valparaiso, “wait till see the dance routines we’ll post using your stupid tombstone memorials...

DeSantis Threatens To Sue Insurance Companies For Causing Climate Crisis

Monday, April 18, 2022

We Don’t Have Climate Change In Florida, Gov Tells HostagesGov. Ron “Little Don” DeSantis (R-Word, FL) has ordered all insurance company executives who have refused to issue home owners’ policies in the state to be “hunted down and rounded up to face some real consequences for their heinous anti-Christian...

The Only Thing I Occasionally Wonder About As We Keep Slipping Into Darkness

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Did Humanity Ever Have It To Begin With?Not according to Hungry Chuck Bukowski who loved to answer #ExistentialTrickQuestions.

DeSantis Signs Strict Stand Your Ground Anti-Abortion Law

Thursday, April 14, 2022

Citizens Can Use Lethal Force On Mother To Rescue Helpless FetusFor decades, Texas and Florida competed for the title of America’s Most Efficient Executioner.
Now that climate change will be wiping us out in 7-9 years, our nation of miserable fucks has turned to unrestricted gun sales to satisfy...

Swifties Cry Foul Over Gyllenhaal SNL Hosting

Sunday, April 10, 2022

Where The Hell Is Taylor’s Red Scarf Jake?! You Bastard!I can’t wait for the cut for time sketch about the sweet note Ms. Swift left for Jake inside the secret briefcase. It should be a real hoot!

I Just Realized That My Father Never Once Told Me The Truth

Friday, April 8, 2022

And It Took A Story About Horseshoe Crabs To Make Me Realize ItI can’t remember EVER encountering a horseshoe crab while digging for clams in the mud at Oyster Bay on Long Island Sound or bobbing barefoot in the south shore surf. 
Did you know that razor clams hunted in packs and attacked the weak...

US Slaps New Sanctions On Putin's Daughters, Melania and Ivanka

Friday, April 8, 2022

Turdwaffle Blasts Biden For Unfair Trade Practices Saying Sanctions Are Hurting His BusinessesI suspect all of this post is true, but I’m not going to waste my time trying to prove it.
It works for Fox News.

What If American Democracy Has Been Totally Replaced By Reality Programming?

Sunday, April 3, 2022

Do You Like Your News Slathered In Entertainment As Much As I Do?When the people who are paid to talk talk about how divided our nation of miserable fucks has become, they make the same mistake all binary constructs do: the assume the mysteries of the universe rely on dichotomies, despite their religious...

Jonah Hill Busted Down On Bourbon Street While Preparing For Grateful Dead Biopic In New Orleans

Saturday, April 2, 2022

He’d Also Like To Apologize To Your Mom For Proving How Much You BlowI was in New Orleans once for three or four days with people from the South Carolina Arts Commission. I will say no more on that subject because I was blacked out drunk for several decades back then.
OTOH, how can Jonah Hill not...

The *Real* Reason So Many Republicans Are Mad At Madison Cawthorn

Thursday, March 31, 2022

He’s Making Us Look Like Democrats Complain NazisFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and greatest bankruptcy escape artist in the history of modern necromancy, Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini, actually planned and fomented a failed insurrection on Jan 6, 2021, and is still considered the...

President In Exile's Press Secretary Sleighball MAGAninny Calls Jen Psaki 'Debbie Downer'

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

Americans Are So Tired Of Hearing The Truth About Our LiesSleighball MAGAninny, temporary press prevaricator for former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and master jailbait in search of an indictment, Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini, blamed the current state of global despair on White House...

Is A Recession Cumming? Alan Greenspan Says The Answer Is In Men's Underwear

Saturday, March 26, 2022

Infallible Economist Tells It Like It IsFormer Federal Reserve chief Alan Norman Greenspan is warning that irrational exuberance in men’s underwear is a proven indicator of a cumming recession.
“He once told me that there is nothing more reliable in predicting the interests of the institutional...

Marjoe Faylure Grumpeen Tells Ukrainians To Relax And Enjoy It

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

As My Sainted Daddy Always Told Me If I Was Cornered And About To Be, You Know, Overwhelmed By Force…Rep. (and President of the United States in her multiversified mind), Marjoe Faylure Grumpenis (R-Word, GA), begged the Biden administration for “Secret Forces protection in perpetuality, against those...

Once An Old Fart, Always An Old Fart

Sunday, March 20, 2022

I’ve Never Felt More Alive Than When I Embrace I'm DyingI never realized how fucking ancient I’ve become, considering I never expected to make it to 25 and questioned my perceived continued existence well into my 30s. I still do much the same kinds of shit I did in my 20s, but I just don’t do it around...

Death Row Executions By Firing Squad Can Now Be Carried Out In South Carolina

Friday, March 18, 2022

NRA Partners With Prison Industrial Complex In Bold New Initiative To Improve Morale Among The Proudly UneducatedSouth Carolina is poised to begin providing televised and online streamed executions by firing squad, the state’s Department of Final Corrections announced in Clemson’s Death Valley this...

Ginni Thomas, Wife Of Supreme Court Justice, Says She Attended Jan. 6 'Stop The Steal' Rally Before Capitol Attack

Monday, March 14, 2022

Denies She Played Role In Planning ItWhite supremacist and moderate activist Hattie Mae Vagina “Ginni” Thomas told a Tik Tok Teen disguised as a right-wing journalist with Washington’s Free Bacon Gazetteer this morning that although she did attend and may have helped write Turdwaffle’s incendiary speech...

'People's Convoy' Protestors Rally Outside Philly Fox Station To Demand More Media Coverage

Sunday, March 13, 2022

We Should Be On Dancing With The Stars!A crowd estimated to be more than I can count using the fingers on my right hand gathered outside Fox29 in Philadelphia this morning to whine about the lack of coverage of their “incredible social justice movement opposed to this CRT wokeness that aims to turn...

Trump Plane Attempts Suicide

Wednesday, March 9, 2022

Right-Wing Engine Goes Tits Up After Leaving RNC RallyFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Vlad the Impudent’s favorite bubble-butt-boy, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle, is now also facing pushback from inanimate objects who find his continued existence on this dying planet in our nation...

Freedumb Convoy Running Out Of Gas

Monday, March 7, 2022

Stuck Between Inane & InsanityOn the second day of their belated protest of Joe Biden’s uplifting State of the Union Address, rally leaders were conferring by CB as they circled the DC beltway aimlessly hoping to develop a list of demands that need to be met before they’ll abandon their second failed...

My New Favorite Thing In the Universe Is

Friday, March 4, 2022

Watching Guardians Of Justice On NetflixThere’s something pataphysically pure about the show about a world just like ours, except with fewer drive-by shootings.

Plato, Socrates, & Toby Keith Walk Into A Bar

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

To Talk Philostophy With Ashli Madison Holden CawthornSources close to the edge, down by the river tell me that the topic under discussion was just who is making these brown clouds.

Press Blasts For White House Abandoning Mask Mandates

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Fake News Shouts: What Ever Happened To Following The ScienceNow that it seems like every week is read it and weep sweeps week, the mainstream media is understandably upset that the Biden administration is rolling back mask mandates that the press has been openly challenging for weeks and no one is...

Afghans Sell Kidneys To Feed Hungry Children

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Walmart Recalls Mislabeled MeatTwo headlines in my newsfeed that may or may not be connected.

Turdwaffle Says Ukraine Is Getting What It Deserves For Failing To Cut A Very Fair Deal

Monday, February 28, 2022

All They Had To Do Was Just This Little FavorFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Earth’s favorite leadky conundrum, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle told his troops at CPAC last night that if he were still president, Ukraine would already belong to Russia.
“I made a deal with Vlad at...

WHO Proposes Sanctions On Russian Army For Violating Ukraine Mask Mandates

Sunday, February 27, 2022

Warns That Invasion Could Be Superspreader EventWHO officials this morning blasted former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Vlad the Impudent lapdog Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle for fundraising to send excess ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine he stockpiled during the early stages of the...

The Pataphysics Of Economic Distractions: How To Invest During The End Times

Saturday, February 26, 2022

Is There Any Real Danger In Playing The Long Game During A Global Extinction Event?#ExistentialTrickQuestions for #GenAarrggh

You Know Why There Is Not 'I' In Team?

Friday, February 25, 2022

Because I Hate Teams#ObviousAnswers to #ExistentialTrickQuestions

Jen Psaki Suggests Ted Cruz Is A Pussy

Thursday, February 24, 2022

I Like Peppermint Patty, And I’m A Lot Tougher Than Cancun Cruz

You Wanna Know Why We Really Can't Have Nice Things?

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

I Mean Besides Being A Nation Of Miserable FucksThe science is settled. What we are arguing over is who gets to bury the dead. Or stumble over them while hunting for shelter and things to eat.
We are doomed to a largely uninhabitable planet within 30 years unless we curb the use of fossils fuels...

Texas Insurrectionist Claims She Was Denied Basic Human Rights In Prison

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

I Had No Internet, No Android, No Peloton, No NothingClaiming that “thugs and antifa have more rights than real Americans,” convicted insurrectionist Jenna “Bush League” Ryan announced yesterday that she was considering a lawsuit against the criminal justice system for discriminating against “the kind...

Karl Icon Launches Proxy Fight With McDonald's Over Treatment Of McRibs

Sunday, February 20, 2022

McRibs Piglets Are Genetically Modified To Produce Tiny Boneless Rib-Like Meat ProductVowing to change the way American meat by-products are produced, meta financier Karl “King” Icon has nominated two allies for election in 2022 in hopes to return our nation of miserable fucks to a kinder and gentler...

GOP Blames Hillary For Classified Documents At Mar-a-Lago

Friday, February 18, 2022

National Archives Refers Matter To Justice DepartmentHaving largely remained silent on shocking reports that former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & rejected prototype Boy From Brazil, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle had relocated several truckloads of classsfied documents, historical artifacts,...

If Sea Levels Are Going To Rise By A Foot Within 30 Years

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

Why Are Banks Writing Mortgages For Oceanfront Homes?Q: Has anyone given any thought to how long it might take to relocate a thousand miles of coastline, and where on the drought-stricken continent to put those displaced people?
A: Quit with the trick questions already.

John Durham Called Bernie Madoff Of Kenneth Starrs

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

Hillary Says Durham Is Full Of BullFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & America’s least talented politician, Donald J. Turdwaffle, called on his great unwashed patriots to rise up & throw off 400 years of liberal oppression after his favorite special counsel appointed by currently unindicted...

KY Jelly Lawmaker Proposes Extending Voting Rights To Semi-Automatic Weapons

Monday, February 14, 2022

If 30-40% Of The Guns Have Anything To Say About It, It Should Be The LawCiting statistics showing there are more than twice as many unregistered semi-automatic firearms in the United States as there are registered voters, Rep. Thomas “Rainman” Massie (R-Word, KY) suggested during the Superbowl halftime...

Trump Disputes Reports Investigators Have Documents With His Signature

Friday, February 11, 2022

I Use Rubber Stamps And Interns For That StuffFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & pernicious political prick, Donald J. Turdwaffle today called the entire world “corrupt, unreliable, disloyal, and unpatriotic like you wouldn’t believe” in response to reports that law enforcement agencies...

Turdwaffle Spent More Than 1 Million Dollars On Plumbing Charges

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Apparently It Takes Several Flushes To Get Shredded Top Secret Documents To RussiaNow that Maggie “Farmlady” Haberman of the New York Crimes has finally violated one of her non-disclosure agreements to make a few bucks by revealing that the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator routinely...

Trump May Sue National Archives For Return Of Collectibles

Wednesday, February 9, 2022

How Am I Supposed To Make Any Money?Citing extreme poverty brought on “by this constant harassment from the Democrats and the Deep State,” the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator told an ONAN reporter at his Doral golf course, “all options are on the table to ensure the return of my beautiful...

Turdwaffle Bristles At Being Called Dicktaster

Monday, February 7, 2022

He Didn’t Run On A LGBT Quid Pro Quo TicketThank heavens for little blessings.

RNC Charwoman Threatens To Sue New York Times For Reporting Contents Of Letter To Jan 6 Committee

Sunday, February 6, 2022

This Is Clear Violation Of Our Standard Non-Disclosure AgreementRepugnicunt National Committee Charwoman Ronna Romney McDaniel accused the New York Times of “ he worst type of baseless political progaganda,” after America’s one-time paper of record reported the contents of a resolution censuring Reps....

Lorena Boebert Screams At Citizens For Ignoring Her

Thursday, February 3, 2022

Look At Me When I’m Talking At YouWaving a meter-long blood-stained dildo named John and threatening to shoot anyone who came any closer, Rep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) told a rowdy crowd at Shooter’s Grill that she was tired of being ignored, after Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi yawned during...

Rep. Madison Cawthorn Sues N.C. Election Board Over Candidacy Challenge

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

I Intend To Remain NC’s Favorite Representative Until The Seat Is Pried From My Cold Dead HandsCiting an endorsement from former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & russian ally Donald J. Turdwaffle, Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) yesterday launched a preemptive strike intended...

Authoritities Ask for Help In Identifying 75 Thousand At Rams-49er Game Who Defied Mask Mandate

Monday, January 31, 2022

Governor Gavin Newsom & SF Mayor London Breed Pledge Help In Effort To Apprehend Scofflaws“This isn’t just a crime of indifference,” said a spokesperson for the officials, who were quickly whisked to isolation in undisclosed locations after repeated exposure to potentially lethal airborne pathogens...

Susan 'Vodka' Collins Calls Kettle Colored Folks

Sunday, January 30, 2022

Says Biden Has Politicized Supreme Court PicksImmensely irrelevant white Sen. Susan “Vodka” Collins (R-Word, ME) today called President Biden clumsy in his handling of fulfilling a campaign promise to nominate a black woman to the Supreme Court.
Collins claims she agrees that the Supreme Court should...

God Apologizes For Past Behavior, Promises To Be More Attentive In The Future, Assuming The Whole Climate Change Hoax Works Out OK

Saturday, January 29, 2022

Heavenly E-Mail Consigned To Junk FolderWhat was anyone expecting after the whole Garden of Eden fiasco, a fucking miracle?

24 Hours Later

Thursday, January 27, 2022

#IToldYouSo Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah
I’m sure if someone were to hack around on my now permanently suspended @DoctorFaustroll Twitter account around this time two years ago, you’d find a simple calculation of how many Americans would die of Turdwaffle’s Democrat coronavirus hoax if the Deep State...

Why Repugnicunts Are Suddenly Banning Books

Thursday, January 27, 2022

Looks Like Those Liberal Antifa Teachers Were Teaching The Kids In Their Classes How To Read! The Horror! The Horror!Who could have ever predicted such a connection? Well I could, of course. I’ve told you so since the the early fifties, when I was elementary school.
At a recent school board meeting...

Wayans Brothers Working On New Comedy Feature

Monday, January 24, 2022

Damon Wayans To Star As “Long John COVID” & Start Shooting Real Soon Now In A Hospital Near You“Somebody had to do it,” explained studio executive Kenan Wayans to a naive & inexperienced entertainment intern who recently purchased her credentials from Yossarian Universal News Service.
Yes, it’s...

Sarah Palin Blames Fake News & Antifa For COVID Diagnosis

Monday, January 24, 2022

I’m Totally Unvaccinated, Love Hugging Like A Big Old Mama Bear, & I Never Mask“So how in God’s name could I catch this hoax first time I set foot in New York?” asks Alaska’s favorite Russian tour guide.
Pizza Rat could not be reached for comment.

Intel To Invest $20 Billion In Ohio Chip Factory

Friday, January 21, 2022

Biden Touts Deal As A Real Win-Win PropositionLameduck Democrat President Joe Biden & Intel Chairman Pat Gelsinger toured an abandoned “opportunity zone” in Cleveland yesterday, announcing plans for a new $20 billion factory “that will create more jobs than you can shake a stick at.”
Intel had been...

It's Official. I'm Looking Into NFTs

Thursday, January 20, 2022

This Was My Last Official Posted Tweeted Before Being SuspendedSeems fishy my last Tweet would be about Rep. Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn (R-Word, NC), but when you gotta go, you gotta go. 

Consider this my first entry into the marketplace of non-fuckable tweets.

Portland, You've Come A Long Way Baby!

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Seems Like Only 40 Years Ago…Why, I can remember all the way back to before gentrification when the standard joke about Portland’s finest was:
Q: What do the cops call a traffic stop in North Portland?
A: Target practice.
Them were the days.
The latest scandal involves training material...

Repugnicunts Threaten To Boycott Future Presidential Debates Until Former Guy Is Reinstated

Thursday, January 13, 2022

Ronna McDaniel Calls Commission On Presidential Debates A Black Lives Matter Front OrganizationStressing that the GOP remains committed to protecting the rights of wealthy somnambulists, Repugnicunt National Committee charwoman Ronna “My Corona” McDaniel blasted the Commission On Presidential Debates...

Repugnicunts Vow To Shutter NPR After Steve Innskeep Questions The Big Liar

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

Turdwaffle Hangs Up & Calls His Feckless Lawyers To See What He Can Sue ForAfter former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and committed insurrectionist Donald J. Turdwaffle’s first interview with an actual journalist since his failed coup on January 6, 2021 ended with the doddering dimwit hanging...

Once More With Feeling

Sunday, January 9, 2022

For The Shits & GigglesI love getting these surveys in my junk boxes.

Laura Ingraham Criticized Donald Trump's Jan. 6 Event On-Air Just Before He Canceled It

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

Event Postponed Until January 15 To Celebrate White Heritage DayResponding to complaints that his threatened press conference on the first anniversary of his failed coup was tone deaf, if not criminal, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and what you get when you finally get what you deserve,...

Flurona Is Coming! Flurona Is Coming!

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Anti-Vaxxers Are Really Gonna Love The Next WaveImagine how much fun it’s gonna be catching a couple of kinds of flu & the omicron variant of the coronavirus hoax at the same time.

Florida Students Told To Bring Own Body Bags

Monday, January 3, 2022

DeSantis Tells Parents: “When The Going Gets Tough, Get Your Ass In Gear”Taking a brief break from dragging his cancer-stricken wife to a series evangelical superspreader events believed by the faithful to have healing properties across his shit hole state, Florida governer & totally committed douchebag...

We're About To Get Even Stupider

Thursday, December 30, 2021

When It Happens, I’ll Be The First To Say I Told You SoIt’s only fair that those who worship Cassandra as their one true God be willing to put their mouths where their putzes are.

COVID Vaccine Death Toll Continues To Mount

Saturday, December 25, 2021

You Can’t Argue With The FactsWhile liberals, scientists, expert researchers, & realists continue to insist that vaccines have been proven safe & effective, there is a growing consensus among average Americans that there is no consensus to be reached when it comes to objective reality.
Here at the...

Kim Potter Latest Victim In Liberal War On Christmas

Thursday, December 23, 2021

Judge Lays Down The Law; Keeps Convict In JailClearly unable to understand the meaning of tone deafness, attorneys for former cop & convicted human killer  wasted no time in demanding that Kimberly K. Potter be released to observe Christmas with her family and friends, “unless your honor is willing...

Coal Miner's Offer To Pay AOC To Move To WV

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

We Need A Senator Who Gives A Fuck About Working PeopleFollowing explosive revelations that Sen. Charlie Manchin (Dimwit, WV) is a racist scrumbag with hints of chardonnay & horehound, outraged West Virginians keyed the aging white supremacist’s Maserati & threatened to sink his yacht if he didn’t...

Louis DeJoy Cuts Service To North Pole

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Cites Cost Savings And Improved EfficiencyLouis DeJoy may have coasted through allegations that he removed electronic mail sorting machines & reduced head count to sabotage mail-in voting and help rig the 2020 election for former twice-impeached unidicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle, but he...

Sounds Like It's Time To Dig Out The Recipe For Nancy's Secret Head Sauce

Friday, December 17, 2021

Just Say Yes To ComeThe things I miss on Twitter these days apparently included this thread, which reminded of the time my smut was judged to have no redeeming social value by Cheri magazine. 
Mike Golden told me so.
He said: “The bosses have determined your Little Oral Annie column about C....

Recovering Capitol Rioter Requests Time Off To Attend MAGAA Rally

Monday, December 13, 2021

Cites E-Mail From Save America PAC As Orders From His Higher PowerDid you really click on this story? What did you expect?
I’ll tell you one thing: MAGAA is not a typo.

China Finds Man In The Moon House Is Abandoned

Monday, December 6, 2021

Mission To Pink Floyd Side Of The Moon Stuns Scientific CommunityChina’s Yutu 2 rover has discovered the yurt believed to be used by The Man In The Moon while He was building Earth approximately 6,000 years ago.
The yurt is located approximately six miles north of the Van Der Graaf crater McDonald’s...

Moderation, Like Poetry, Makes Nothing Happen

Friday, December 3, 2021

And Most Contemporary Moderates Are Indistinguishable From Nazis AnywayJust putting this on the record.
Why, there Auden be a law…

What Do You Call A Country With A Completely Fake History?

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Oh Come On. This Isn’t A Trick Question!Is it too soon to blame the Greatest Generation for bringing over all those fucking Nazis after WWII so the Russians didn’t get them? 
I’m so tired of our family values. Gus knows their offspring have produced some of the least appealing leaders the world...

Florida Teacher At Center Of Ivermectin Lawsuit Dies Of Covid; Husband Says 'Name A Law After Her'

Thursday, November 18, 2021

When Civilization Is Unclear On The ConceptA Florida teacher who became an Internet meme for trying to force a hospital to give her ivermectin has died from COVID-19, 12 weeks after being admitted to Life’s Beach Gardens Hospice Center for treatment. Amanda Felthersnatch was 41 years of underlying...

One Of The Best Benefits Of Being Banned From Twitter For Hateful Conduct Is...

Monday, November 15, 2021

I Was Also Removed From Various Turdwaffle E-Mail ListsThis led me to suspect that my alleged hateful conduct arose from my willingness to post the insane bullshit from Trump Nazis and supply-side plantation owners that sludged up my junk mailboxes. 
For some reason, though, I think one of the Twitter...

If We Ain't Broke, Don't Fix Me

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

Says Pair Of Tasty TesticlesWhy do testicles have taste receptors, anyway?

Biden's Agenda Being Blocked By Reagan Legacy

Monday, November 1, 2021

“If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It," Says The ProblemI’ll never get tired of saying I told you so.
Can anyone really be surprised that Old Rummy Reagan’s shining city on the hill ending up being just another tacky McManchin?

Oregon Repugnicunt Lawmaker Resigns After Relocating To Shit Hole State

Thursday, October 28, 2021

He Considered It A Part Time Job Where He Could Work From HomeFrershman Oregon state representative & Turdwaffle-supporters Oliver Nipple (Boring) agreed to step down after elections officials announced his mail-in ballots for the past 8 elections had been returned as undeliverable with a forwarding...

Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn Demands Blonde Moms Support #Alt-Reich Remasculation Effort

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Calls For Renewed Effort To Establish Monster RaceNorth Carolina’s favorite freshman Repugnicunt dickless wonder, Rep. Holden-Cawthorn seemed to blame his mother for leaving him paralyzed from the waist down after a botched remasculation attempt following a Democrat assassination attempt.
The self-professed...

Marjoe Faylor Greengob Slams 'Fascist' NBA

Friday, October 15, 2021

Seen On Capitol Steps Examining Her Own FecesRemember the old joke about locking 100 monkeys in a room & eventually they’d type out all the works of Shakespeare? Now imagine that all those monekys were cloned from Georgia’s favorite freshman Nazi.
They might come up with a tweet like this after...

Elon Musk Relocates To Texas

Friday, October 8, 2021

To Take Advantage Of All The Great Texas HealthcareNeed we say more?

Turdwaffle Claims Permanent Executive Privilege

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

That Explains All The Executive Time On His Schedule When He Wasn’t Golfing During His Reign Of ErrorI guess America truly grates again.

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Recruits American Christian Church Nazis

Monday, October 4, 2021

Onward Shithead Soldiers Marching As To War!In a video posted to conservative Web site Nutjobs over the weekend, Rep Holden Cawthorn, R-Word, N.C., called on “strong, God-fearing patriots” to saddle up, strap on their peacemakers, and come out of the closet to stand their heavily-armed ground against...

Trump Told Throbbing Grisham His Penis Was Not Shaped Like A Tiny Toadstool

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

“Here, Take A Peek,” Turdwaffle Texted From Air Force OneIn the new book from one of former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle’s many bimbo press secretaries, Stephanie “Throbbing” Grisham claims that the right-wing rotund one was so infuriated by Stormy Daniels descripton...

MAGA Teen Undergoes Emergency Surgery After Getting Beats Headphone Cable Stuck In His Penis

Sunday, September 19, 2021

Teen Claims Mike Lindell Spoke From His MeatusA 14-year-old Florida boy was rushed to Our Lady Of Perpetual Menstruation this morning after he got the jack  from his Beats headphone cable stuck in his penis.
The home-schooled youth inserted the headphone jack “in the context of stopping the steal,”...

Mom Of Soldier Slain In Kabul Blames Biden Voters

Friday, September 17, 2021

Vows To File Criminal & Civil ComplaintsKaren Whitelaw has had it with liberals and socialists. The suburban mother of four says “They killed my boy, sure as we’re standing here. My president had a peace plan, but these Biden voters stole the election by all of them voting and look what happened.”

Marjoe Faylure Greene Pissed At AOC's Met Gala Dress

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

“It Might As Well Say Fuck America!” Screams Georgia Junior ReprehensativeThe first rule of alternative journalism is not to give a fat rat’s booty about your subject or your audience. Everyone winds up in the same discard bin in the end.
There is nothing special about anyone.
Taste one turd...

Mike Lindell Blasts Dems For Stealing Thousands Of Supporters

Monday, September 13, 2021

More Than 10 Thousand Missing From “We The People Reunion” At KY Jelly Stadium“We The People Reunion” organizer Mike Lindell filed more than 10,000 missing persons reports with the Muhlenberg County Sheriff’s Department after fewer than 250 rabid supporters of twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator...

AP Style Guide For Journalism Issues Alternative Woke Updates

Saturday, September 11, 2021

“Baby Bump” Called An "Abomination To Sense & Sensibility”Decrying the dumbing down of the English language to appease the uneducated Repugnicunt base that has made America alternatively great, the liberal elite at the Assoicate Press has begun issuing a number of corrections to their style guide “to...

Nation's Youth Don't Remember 9/11

Friday, September 10, 2021

Memories Formed By Right-Wing Media And Godless Socialized EducationResearchers were stunned to find that more than 75% of all Americans under the age of 20 have no memory of the events of September 11, 2001, the day that was as important to life on Earth as God’s original golf resort, The Gardens...

Most Americans In New Poll Admit 9/11 Changed Very Little

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

85% Say Country Is Worse Off Than 20 Years AgoCiting escalating gun carnage, the proud rebirth of white supremacist violence, and systemic income inequality, a staggering majority of Americans have begun to realize that the events of September 11, 2001, were actually retaliation for the CIA assassination...

Jake Shandling Hints He Is Pregnant

Monday, September 6, 2021

QAnon Amos’s Lawyer Claims He Was Seduced By The Former PresidentLast Friday, after the insurrectionist formerly known as the QAnon Shaman pled guilty to obstruction for his role in storming the Capitol on January 6, his lawyer Clarice Darpa argued that her incel client “had a fondness for Trump that...

Bojack Horseman In Critical Condition

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Ivermectin Shortage Caused By COVID Anti-Vaxxers To BlameThe 19 months since his Netflix show was cancelled have not been kind to Bojack Horseman, the twice-failed star of two forgettable sitcoms, who checked into rehab in July, 2020, and promptly caught COVID from a toilet seat while puking. Between...

Rand Paul Thinks Hatred Of Trump Is Behind Climate Change

Monday, August 30, 2021

“Anti-Trumpers Are Really Anti-Science Antifa” Says FlibbertigibbetarianCiting previous allegations he made suggesting scientists hate Trump so much they won’t study whether a cocktail Viagra & ivermecton can be used to embalm COVID patients, Kentucky’s favorite dustmop Rand Paul today blamed recent...

Turdwaffle Claims Consecutive Privilege

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & everybody’s favorite killer konstitutional klown Donald J. Turdwaffle has invoked consecutive privilege to prevent Congress from investigating his role in the failed insurrection on January 6th, citing Fox News reports that he may be reinstated any...

Turdwaffle Clarifies Taliban Origin Story

Monday, August 23, 2021

“I Was Using A Petitfour!” Corpulent Con Man CrowsStung by critical fact-checking of his recent rally in Cullman, Alabama, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspriator & all-around authoritarian scumbag Donald J. Turdwaffle told his communication crew at Fox News today that he had not confused...

Taliban Offers To Lease Seized Arms Back To U.S.

Saturday, August 21, 2021

“We’re Only In It For The Money,” Says Shiekh YerboutiAssistant Communications Director for the Taliban, Shiekh Badr al-Din Yerbouti told jostling reporters outside Osama bin Laden International Airport this morning that the Taliban continues to abide by the terms of the 2020 peace accord they signed...

Biden On Afghanistan: "There's Never A Good Time To Pull Out"

Monday, August 16, 2021

“Better You Think Of The Consequences Before You Stick Yourself In” President Chides MediaTelling it like it is, President Biden today assured the nation he stood behind his decision to withdraw all American troops from Afghanistan by the end of the month, calling it “the right thing to do.”

DeSantis Bets On $1500 Ounce Of Cure Beating Free Shots

Saturday, August 14, 2021

Supply Side Plantation Economy Inside Traders Set To Make A Killing In FloridaArguing that providing safe & effective COVID shots to Floridians without charge is not sustainable in the long term & will lead to a socialist victory in the war of stupid ideologies, Governor Ron DeSantis today threatened...

Russia Offers To Repair Boeing Starliner

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Claims It Got Plans From Former President As Gift In Return For Rigging 2016 ElectionTwice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle responds to Russian offer with cryptic alternative tweet from his Save American Nazis PAC: “BULLIES NEVER FIGHT,” apropos of covfefe.

State Department Looking For Missing Bottle of Whiskey

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Spirits Worth $5800 Last Seen In Company Of Mike PompeoA bottle of Japanese whiskey worth $5800 alledgedl given to former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo as a bribe in 2019 cannot be accounted for.
Believe it or not, gifts to US officials actually belong to our collective nation of miserable fucks....

Doomsday Variant Discovered In January 6th Detainees

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

CDC Downplays Variant Name, Blaming InternA routine screening of the more than 600 January 6th rioters held at the Earl Butz Memorial Fairgrounds awaiting trial for treason has revealed that nearly 80% were infected with a unique strain of brain-eating COVID, dubbed The Doomsday Variant by Harriet...

Sarah Palin Asks God To Endorse Senate Run

Monday, August 2, 2021

“Sarah Who?” Yahweh's Aide AsksAfter waiting patiently for several years for the stars to align, former Alaska Governor & failed Repugnicunt vice-presidential candidate Sarah Sirhan Palin went on Twitter today to announce she is considering a run to replace RINO Lisa Murkowski, writing: “If God wants...

Sleepy Joe To Reward Unvaccinated & Uneducated For Spreading Delta

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Proposes $100 Payment To Turdwaffle's NimrodsIt was only a matter of time before Joe Biden did something to show us he’s just another clueless bozo driving this bus to oblivion.
Let me be perfectly clear: People who are still unvaccinated at this point do not deserve incentives to get the virus.

Turdwaffle Claims Arizona Audit Found 8 Million More Votes From 12 States

Saturday, July 24, 2021

“See? I Told You I Won!” Jubilant Alt-Jihadist ProclaimsTwice-impeached former President Turdwaffle promised on Saturday to give the entire Arizona state Senate “an extra special Medal of Freedom when I’m reinstated next month,” claiming that Cyber Ninja auditors had found “nearly 10 million votes...

Antifa Claims Responsibility For Delta Variant

Monday, July 19, 2021

“We Warned You Fuckers. War Is War!” Says Sean MiltonFresh off its highly successfully compaign to encourage America’s neo-Nazis and Confederate War holdouts not to get vaccinated, Antifa carried out a series of highly offensive actions against QAnon targets overnite, including the TPing of Mr. & Mrs....

Trump Blasts Branson For "Disrespecting Your President"

Sunday, July 18, 2021

Claims Space Force Made Exploitation Safe AgainDoubling down on his July 12th claim that he made it possible for Virgin Galactic president Richard Branson & Amazon founder Jeff Bezos to engage in a friendly gentlemen’s space race, former failed führer & twice-impeachment bad precedent Donald J. Turdwaffle...


Saturday, July 17, 2021

She Just Filed To Change Her Name……to Laurena Bobbitt

Bloody Hell!

Monday, July 12, 2021

Megyn Kelly Is Trending On TwitterIs it that time of the month already?

Dusky Balls Hangs It Up

Sunday, July 4, 2021

Hebrew League Fullback Inducted Into Foyer Of ChutzpahKnown for his toughness as a defender & midfielder for the Brooklyn Hakoah of the Hebrew Football League, Hymen Irving “Dusky Balls” Mandlebaum, has been inducted into the Bethel Abrahan Foyer of Chutzah at age 103.
Early in his career, Mandlebaum...

Transexual Teen Dies After Receiving COVID Vaccine

Friday, July 2, 2021

“I Told Her Not To Take That Vaccine” Says Mom
Tommy Lahdanum, 13, snuck into Walgreen’s to get her COVID shots after her anti-vax mother Sparkle Lahdanum forbid her from getting the shots so she could return to school. “It was our one point of contention. She believed in science and I believe in...

Ivanka Denies Hiring Herself To Manage 2017 Inauguration

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

“I’m Too Smart To Have Hired Me,” Fallen Princess TestifiesWhile visiting a homeless camp near her Indian Creek home this week, Ivanka Turdwaffle took time out from administering hydroxychloroquine shots to coronavirus-hoax victims to dismiss rumors that she lied during her December 2020 deposition...

Florida Safe House Under Surveillance

Friday, June 25, 2021

Bhutto Promises To Reveal Precise Location Of Bin Laden For Smart BombingMahmoud "Mickey" al Zawhiri
Anonymous Terrorist
Homeland Security Informant Desk
Pataphysical Information News Service

BETELGUESE, Andromeda Galaxy (PINS) — NASA researchers on Monday...

Trump Threatens To Sue Founding Fathers

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

“Whatever Happened To My Constitution?” Turdwaffle Wonders After SCOTUS Saves ObamacareWith his former accountant on the hot seat & his handpicked Supreme Court voting against his interests, the most impeached criminal in White House history is said to be pondering his options under the rule of lawyers,...

Climate Change Hoax Continues To Grow

Friday, June 18, 2021

Point Of No Return Farts In Our General DirectionI just read an article about the heat dome over the American West where someone said something like “This was so preventable. It’s so sad. It gives me hope.”
There are people whose thought processes actually work this way?

Q-Anon Offers Followers Chance To Win August Inauguration Tickets

Thursday, June 17, 2021

Proof Of COVID19 Non-Vaccination RequiredAs many states & municipalities have resorted to lotteries & other incentives to encourage people to get vaccinated, supporters of former #AmericaFirst führer Cornholed J. Turdwaffle have doubled down on their claims that the 2020 elections was stolen from the...

Great News For American Consumers

Saturday, June 12, 2021

When Life Gives You Black Fungus, Make An Omelet!Despite what former president Donut Jay Turdwaffle e-mailed to every social media user yesterday, do NOT inject yourself with Spectracide if you are diagnosed with the Delta variant of COVID19. It will not prevent you from developing black fungus should...

Oregasm Bests Asscough

Thursday, June 10, 2021

US DOJ Threatens To Retaliate By Killing Doctors 

Leslie Stephen Mohr
Cognitive Dissident 
Pataphysical Misinformation Service 
April 18, 2002 04:12:07AM

SALEM, (PMS) – A federal judge today called attempts by Attorney General Johann Asscough to torture and kill Oregasm doctors...

Florida Man Trains For New Olympic Sport

Monday, June 7, 2021

Tot Tossing Touted As New Extreme SportTruer words have allegedly never been uttered by a Community Police State spokesman:
“You can’t throw a baby at us and expect us to treat you with kid gloves,” Sheriff Eric Flowers said in a statement.
Read all the news to give you late-stage epilepsy right...

Ashcroft Vows To Persecute Florida Advocates For Choice

Sunday, June 6, 2021

By Darwin D. Grimm
The Church of the Oven of Peace
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
June 8, 2001 05:29AM
WEST PALM BEACH (YU) – Now that the first of last November’s pregnant chads are being stillborn or aborted, Attorney General John Ashcroft has reaffirmed his commitment to...

Bush Practiced For Speech By Watching Simpsons Reruns

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Matilde Groaning 
Porno Graphics Editor 
Pataphysical Mammary Syndicate 
WASHINGTON (PMS) — Press Secretary Spot McLanolinhans deflected criticisms of the First Idiot's continued inability to pronounce even simple two syllable words without medication...

Protesting Whales Beach Themselves In Beluga

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

Pataphysical Misery Syndicate By Rafshan Hashemi Ben-Khesi
ft. Nabih Devadip Berry
YU Fashion Hostage Writers

BELUGA, Iraq (YU) – Laser-guided missiles, smart bombs, and the capricious use of overwhelming force against an immovable stone age culture...

SkyNet Drone Goes Medieval On Antifa Terrorist's Ass

Monday, May 31, 2021

UN Report Cites Portlander Killed At BLM Protest
One consequence of the Reagan legacy that rarely bets discussed by the corporate media has been the militarization of community police state departments across the US, complete with the distribution of obsolete military hardware to local slave catchers...

Amy Cooper Condemns Discrimination Against Racists

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Dog Park Karen Sues Former Employer, Claiming Protected Class Status“Hell hath no fury like a dumb racist broad” could have been written by Shakespeare, but it wasn’t. It was written by me, just now. 
If there were no Amy Cooper, the American media, in support of our perfected supply side plantation...

Bush Suv Tour Kills Four Ohio Protestors

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

UNCOMMON SENSEBy Tia Eminem Squires
Political Hack Groupie
Pataphysical Metafizzical Syrupice 

MOMMEE, Ohio (PMS) - President Bush has an even harder case to make about his compassionate conservative agenda in Ohio after his Cadillac Escalade plowed through a...

Released Prisoners Shot While Attempting To Complain

Sunday, May 23, 2021

Marcus D. Sadr
Bonded Disciplinary Critic
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service

ABU GHRAIBASS, Iraq (PMS) – American troops opened fire on a crowd of several thousand Iraqi civilians being released from the luxurious Abu Ghraibass minimum security prison on...

Paltrow Pussy-Scented Candle Explodes

Thursday, May 20, 2021

Highly Volatile Vaginal Essential Oils Result In Rebranding EffortA lawsuit filed in Texas by someone who allegedly was originally from Florida indicates Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop lifestyle company has been sued for 5 quadrohexaquotillion dollars after one of their “This Thing Smells Just Like My Vagina”...

Texas Gov Signs Spritz & Zip Abortion Ban

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

“Life Begins Before His Seed Is Dry” Grins Texan Leader Judicial observers were left speechless this morning, when the Texas State Supreme Court preemptively upheld a series of anti-abortion bills Republican governor Bud Abott has not even signed yet, because antifa has stolen all the pens & permanent...

Was Pete Davidson Made Of Honor?

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Ariana Grande Weds Beau BooUnfortunately, our Zoom connection failed before the intimate ceremony to which we were not privy began. We didn’t even attempt to contact Pete Davidson for confirmation of our fabriacted report. So it goes.We owe it all to A. J. Liebling
for leading us to accept

Trevor Lawrence Goes Full Billie Eilish

Monday, May 17, 2021

Film at eleven

Killian Wrote Kiss UP Letter To Goober's Dad

Monday, May 17, 2021

Hymen "Rip" Thorn
Fabrications Director
Pataphysical Counterinsurgency Center

WASHINGTON (PCC) — A another packet of Texas Air National Guard records surfaced today, discovered in the wall of an apartment once rented by former Democratic congressman...

Little Eliza Jade Stefaniac Kicks Ma Cheney's Black & Blue Bottom

Saturday, May 15, 2021

Repugnicunts Reaffirm Their Standing As The Party of Joe McCarthy
In a stunning upset of absolutely nothing, Repugnicunts continue to admit they are lost & unceremoniously ditch an established right-wing nutjob for a moderate Nazi Trump supporter in a bid to reshape reality for mysterious reasons...

Drunken Elephants Bang Hilton

Sunday, May 9, 2021

Billy Katzinsakiswinkle
Essential Existential Editor
Fabulous Information Bureau
NORTHHAMPTON (FIB) — Paris Hilton is tired of hearing about her party girl days as an amateur porn hole, and in recent weeks she has demonstrated her resolve to ensure her legacy upon...


Friday, May 7, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics October 29, 2008
I downloaded and watched Slacker Nation last week, and while it did not change my fundamental view that the right to vote is simply a way of getting average schmucks to share responsibility for the atrocities committed by rule-of-law...

Is It Concealed Carry If You Keep It In Your Pants?

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Umatilla Deputies Accused Of CockfightingWillie S. Burroughs, Nova Express Editor
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 5, 2001 12:59AM

HERMITCRAB (YUYNE1) — Umatilla County Sheriff’s deputies apparently apprehended themselves at a popular cock-fighting parlor located in the...

Matt Gaetz Victim Blames Media For Victimization

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

“I Am A Proud, Capable, & Competent Conservative Woman,” Anonymous News & Entertainment Casualty ComplainsIn a stunning development that may wel spell doom for the human species by deflecting our attention, yet again, from the ongoing global extinction event precipitated by America’s oil industry,...

Iraq's New Puppet Introduced At G8 Summit

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Adam Smythe
Petrol Procurement Editor
Pataphysical Megacolonic Syndicate
SWEET PEA ISLAND, GA. (MPS) - President Ubu, declaring that world leaders were “ ulling" for Iraq's new president, joined a demonstration of a prototype Punch and Judy show...

Matt Can't Always Gaetz What He Wants

Thursday, April 1, 2021

Tales Of The Crips From Semenhole County, Florida......where the inane go to thrive.
That’s all I got for you douchebags about these douchebags.
You got a problem with that?
Meet me in the vacant lot in back of the empty space between Twitter’s ears.

Gnus Flash!

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Crack Proctologists Team Up To Tackle Suez Blockage

Bush Twins Suspects In Fatal Crash

Thursday, March 25, 2021

By Marshall Proust
The March of Mimes 
All The News To Give You Fits
Yossarian Universal News Service May 31 2001 9:32PM
NORTH LITTLE ROCK (YU) – Dubyamint twins Babs and Jenna Elfman Bush are being sought in connection with a chain reaction accident on I-30 that left more than 230,000...

Demands for Controlled Nazi Hunts Surge After January 6 Insurrection

Monday, February 15, 2021

Inside Jokes Are The #BeBest KindI can’t remember exactly when i wrote the first Nazi season story, but I’m pretty sure it was about the same time I released the story about the Ethiopian famine relief cart pileup. Here are are versions of each that I just find using Spotlight on the Portland Pataphysical...

October Surprises Around Around!

Friday, November 13, 2020

Pentagon discovers thousands of surprised troops in Afghanistan
Ben J. DickarnaultSenior MountebankOfficial Prevarication DeskPataphysical News Agency21455020170830PNAYUYNE1
NORFOLK, VA (PNA) — During a routine examination of payroll records, forensic accountants at the Pentagon discovered 26,000...

Treaty Abrogation

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Trump Hints at Withdrawal From Louisiana PurchaseFrom Stiff and Wired ReportersPortland Pataphysical News Service09022017113902EDTFU
HOUSTON (PPNS) — During a mission of mercy to aid those displaced and devastated by flooding from Hurricane Harvey, a surprisingly presidential Donald Trump on Saturday...

Think Different

Monday, March 6, 2017

An Apple a dayI told you all Jobs are evil. Take The Bible.
Satan To Sue Apple Over Trademark FlapHELL (YU) — Attorneys for the deceased founder of the Church of Satan have filed notice with the San Francisco department of public works of his intention to pursue a slander suit against...


Saturday, December 17, 2016

The libtard media still doesn’t get itIf you had read The One Minute President back when the country was run by the wife of a guy with mid-life Alzheimer’s, you would have been far better prepared when the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) of which you are a dutiful citizen underwhelmingly voted to...