Devin Nunes Admits He Can't Handle The Truth
Mar 16, 2022
Promises To Have New Turdwaffle Propaganda Site Fully Operational By 2024
Former Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Word, at large) conceded this morning that the roll-out of Turdwaffle World’s alternative reality web site “could have been a lot worse, when you consider what might have happened if we hadn’t focused on keeping antifa and Tik Tok Teens off the site to promote the free exchange of legitimate ideas. Remember what happened in Tulsa?”
We’re unsure if Nunes was referring to the massacre of black Americans in that city in 1921 or Turdwaffle’s sparsely attended hillbilly Nuremberg rally in 2020 where he promised to fire whoever had scheduled his speech for the day after the massacre anniversary when “many more of my supporters would have been sure to show up.”
Truth Social is the latest attempt by Turdwaffle’s American Nazis and other moderates to restore American family values by repealing the Emancipation Proclamation and telling anyone who doesn’t like the idea to shut the fuck up.
While former twice-mpeached uninidcted co-conspirator and greatest American patriot since Benedict Arnoldbatch has yet to fire Nunes for his botched handling of ripping off Twitter’s look and feel and combining it with a stolen logo and misuse of Mastodon’s free and open-source distributed social network, unnamed sources close to the toxic waste dump in Mar-a-Lago suggest Turdwaffle is considering handing over the reigns to Lorena Boebert, Marjoe Faylure Altgreen, or Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn, whichever is forced to leave the federal government first.
Nearly a month after its launch, users are still complaining of remaining in a queue with millions of other uneducated nitwits and nimrods dreaming of the chance to interact with other like-minded bigots and authoritarian nabobs.
“Our team of lovely interns is working literally around the clock 40 hours a week,” Nunes told a comatose reporter from ONAN, which is struggling to get its hateful messages out to the mainstream idiots on Main Street, with the full endorsement of Wall Street.
“And as we grow and as we add so many very fine people,” he added, “we eat bugs, we’re making changes to get everything further right. Matter of fact, we should have in the next year or two another Apple update, and before you know it we will be back in the White House.”
“Mainly right now our focus is on keeping terrorists and progressives from sabotaging our great heritage. Also we’re doing — nobody’s perfect, but we’re more perfect than most — but we’re doing everything we can to keep the platform clean and upstanding and pure and Christian, and to keep off all the nasty nanobots and fake people who aren’t really real people posing as liberals and Democrats,” he added.
When asked why Turdwaffle himself has not been posting — Turdwaffle still has posted a single “self-evident,” which is the app’s equivalent of a tweet — to his account: “Get Ready! Your favorite President will see you soon! Covfefe!” Nunes said: “I can’t speak for the Big Guy. You’ll have to ask himself yourself. I know he’s been busy helping Russia recover evidence about the Bidens in Ukraine.”