Two Injured In Botched Octokids Escape Attempt

Apr 14, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phyddling About February 8, 2009

All fugitive octuplets were back in police custody this morning after a tense standoff at the Church of the Oven of Peace, where members of a previously unknown terrorist group that split with al Franqen earlier this month were holding two nurses aides and a grief counsellor hostage while demanding release of the first-born of the children, Chip, who is nearly 8 minutes older than John-John.

Two days after authorities snatched them from Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center on suspicion of fetal sexual abuse, three of the Octokids born to Dody Decker-Hedron in January allegedly attempted a daring daylight escape by using surgical tubing to slingshot themselves out of their room on the second floor of a secret medical detention center at the Homeland Security compound in nearby Rancho Mirage.

While details remain sketchy, it appears that Malia and Sasha Decker-Hedron conspired with younger brother Jeb to launch themselves though a window and onto a busy thoroughfare hoping to hitchhike to Canada where fetal sexual abuse was decriminalized in 1987.

Sheriff James Dickie isn’t buying that explanation, however, noting that none of the children has developed the motor skills necessary to roll over in bed, much less organize into a cohesive commando unit capable of carrying out the sophisticated, though failed, mission. “These younguns,” Dickie said, “is about as coordinated as a bunch of roly-poly compost beetles on their backs. No way they tried to escape. This was clearly an inside job orchestrated by Homeland Security personnel. What for, I have no idea.”

Federal Circuit Judge Anne Goody Putnam ordered a total news blackout after early reports suggested heavy casualties as SWAT teams stormed several locations to recapture the children who, as it turned out, had never left their make-shift maternity ward, leaving liberal journalists to speculate on the real purpose of military activity in the area.