Florida Remains Must Belong To Brian Laundromat

Oct 21, 2021

It Only Makes Sense Some Suggest

Minutes after chief medical examiner for Wingnut County, Hans Oppenheinie told swarming entertainment reporters that identification of the remains found near items belonging to fugitive Instagram influencer Brian Epstein Laundromat “could take days, if not weeks, a spokesperson suddenly shouted over a bullhorn: “We’ll have to walk that timeline back, fellas. Looks like we got our man!”

It had been a whirlwind couple of hours as the alleged discovery of possible human remains quickly became skeletal remains in a case involving the disappearance of a man mere weeks ago.

Authorities would neither confirm nor deny rumors that the bones had been carbon-dated to the late Jurrassic.

They were also unable to explain why the remains had been discovered in an area extensively search nearly a month ago, except to claim that the area had recently been under several feet of water.

This story explanation was quickly expanded to suggest that the reason Laundromat’s bones were picked clean was that while he was hiding under the flood water he was attacked by a roving shoal of illegally introduced piranhas who first killed him, before calling their relatives & neighbors to the scene for a rousing Trump-like rally & picnic.

“For all that,” said Oppenheinie, “the skeleton was immaculately preserved, almost completely intact, making identification easier than one might otherwise expect, except that the skull’s haunting grin revealed all the secrets of Brian’s life in a dental chair, so you see there’s really nothing more to discuss here.”

Case closed.