Wellness Exams

Nov 14, 2020

Turn your head and cough out your ass

The current First Douchebag has surrounded himself with a gaggle of pretty bad hombres but he’s only trying to bigly outdo the fucked up job that former First Idiot Georgie Bush with his cabinet of malignant dildos.

Ashcroft Proclaims System Is Innocent

WASHINGTON (YU) — Attorney General John Ashcroft today blasted Timothy McVeigh's decision to abandon all appeals of his death sentence, calling the condemned man "a collateral coward." McVeigh is scheduled to be put down like an old yeller dog tomorrow while President Goober W. Bush hosts the South Lawn T-ball championships. 

Tomorrow is also Flag Day, by executive order, and all flags will fly proudly at full staff. 

As recently as Thursday, Ashcroft hailed recent court decisions to deny a stay of execution for the admitted bomber of the Alfred E. Newman building in Oklahoma City as “a big win for all of us in justice.” 

But now Ashcroft is considering asking the Supreme Court to file its own request for a stay on McVeigh's behalf which Ashcroft says he will oppose “with the full resources of this great country of ours. It is not enough to execute a guilty evil one to send a clear message to our enemies here and abroad about the strength of our resolve, but we must also reaffirm the essential goodness and innocence of our way of life.” 

McVeigh has also declined to ask clemency from President Goober Bush, who spent Sunday in Terre Haute with his twin daughters, Jenna and Babs, preparing for tomorrow's festivities. RV-1 is parked at the Arthur Godfrey Amusement Center, conveniently located across from the prison. 

Meanwhile, bookmakers are still taking wagers on McVeigh's last supper. Despite increasing evidence that the decorated Gulf War veteran has decided to die for American mankind's sins, Warden Harley Davidson said McVeigh has yet to make up his mind on what wants to chow down on before he returns to sit at the right hand of his father in heaven.

"He keeps changing what he wants,” Davidson said. "Right now, he's asking for two Moon Pies and an RC Cola.” 

Whatever McVeigh finally decides, this much is clear: his final meal can come from the prison or any restaurant in the Terre Haute area, but it cannot cost more than $130, or the rough equivalent of 30 pieces of silverware at Walmart.

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Posted Wednesday, June 06, 2001