Remembering The Jail Blazers

Nov 14, 2020

In the beginning was the NBA

Just kidding. First there was God who invented the concept of ownership. Everything else was gravy. Does anyone even remember the Red Hot and Balling Portland Tail Braisers anymore? This used to be funny.

Bush Names Wallace Special Envoy 

TEL AVIV (YU) – President Goober W. Bush, acting with an incomplete grasp of key concepts of international diplomacy and sports marketing, today named Rasheed Wallace, the Portland Trailblazer's volatile starting forward, as special envoy to the Middle East. The deal comes after Bush hit the wrong key on his speed dial and invited Blazer general manager Bob Whitsitt to the White House to celebrate the NBA championship. Eventual champion Los Angeles Lakers swept the Blazers in the first round of the Western Conference playoffs. 

The precise details of the trade are unclear at this time, but it appears to involve several key NBA players, two former ambassadors, an embattled microchip manufacturer that prefers to remain anonymous, an undisclosed cash payment to the Republican National Party, and twin teenage girls. 

While some observers question the wisdom of sending a surly underachiever to broker a lasting peace in one of the most explosive regions in the world today, at least one expert is applauding the move as “creative, daring, and it could go down as one of the shrewdest moves Trader Bob has ever made.” 

Sports activist and clinical psychologist Marc Anthony Chapman told CNN this morning, “The Blazers are better off for this. Rasheed is better off. It's a monkey off Whitsitt's back, and if it brings peace to the Middle East, Bush can come off smelling like a rose.” 

When asked what happens if the temperamental Wallace throws a towel in the face of negotiators as he did to fellow teammate Arvydas Sabonis late in the season, Chapman said, “So what's the big deal? Things can't get much worse over there than they are right now.” 

Wallace holds the NBA record for most technical fouls in a season. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896. 
Originally posted Friday, June 08, 2001