It's Hard To Get Over Goddamn October

Nov 14, 2020

October Surprise!

People often forget that before Osama bin Laden was hunted down and rounded up and killed and captured, he used to be called Osama bin Laffen-Hizzazzov. Also, remember that the election of Donald Drumpf was not the first time outsiders attempted to influence American election results.

Bin Laden Endorses Nader;
Promises to Surrender on November 3rd

Willie Randy Donovan Hearst
Mellow Yellow Editor
Pataphysical Rotor Rooter Service

DETROIT (PRRS) — In a new videotape broadcast Friday, Osama bin Laden made a direct, formal endorsement of independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader, saying that Nader provides Americans with the best choice to avoid a repeat of the Global Hawk technology failure on Sept. 11, 2001 that killed 2,900 Americans and left another 47,000 missing.

Speaking from his headquarters in this rust belt city in a battleground state, bin Laden said only Nader seems willing to consider stopping the wholesale slaughter of Muslims, which is the only way Americans can hope to avoid another retaliatory strike. The latest videotape was more professional and less confrontational than previous messages from the frail guerrilla who closed by saying: "I'm Osama bin Laden, and I approved this message.”

The appearance of the tape so close to the presidential election appears to bolster rumors that the Al Qaeda leader has been living in the United States for at least two years and may have helped plan the invasion of Iraq by coalition of the willing forces in 2003. Social Security records seem to indicate that bin Laden has been working as a contractor in the fast food and ephemeral service industries, managing Taco Bell, Krispy Kreme, Arby's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Orange Julius franchises along the east coast. He is also featured in a national ad campaign for Burger King which has become a cult favorite on the Internet.

"Your security is not in the hands of the hero Kerry or the coward Bush or al-Qaida. Your security in in your own hands, so make sure to wash first," bin Laden scolded, before adding: "If you mind your own business and do not fuck with us, we won't fuck with you, and that's a promise you can count on.”

Dressed in an oversized sweatshirt that said "KISS World Tour 2004" and wearing a Boston Red Sox cap, the Moon Doggy of al-Qaeda on several occasions appeared to flash gang signals while coyly courting the camera as he delivered his endorsement of Nader by reading from a notebook on a podium set in front of a huge backdrop in red, white, and blue with the repeated phrase: "America can be safer.”

"Oh you poor stupid American people, I am speaking to tell you to vote for Ralph Nader as the ideal way to avoid another Manhattan, about the stupidity of war and its causes, and its sad results," bin Laden smiled gently, "and here in the fourth year after the fiasco of September 11, the coward Bush is still deceiving you and hiding the truth from you, and therefore the reasons are still in place to repeat what has already happened.”

In stark contrast to his last American TV appearance, bin Laden appeared tanned and rested, more than three years after the United States launched a costly reelection campaign war against Kerryism that has nearly bankrupted the nation and yielded few tangible results.

U.S. intelligence experts examining the tape, speaking off the record, said it appears to have been filmed at the sight of a recent Republican campaign stop, perhaps as recently as Thursday because of repeated references to the Red Sox victory in the world series. 

The State Department had attempted to persuade National Public Television not to air the tape, in keeping with the official policy of not negotiating with Kerryists or allowing any platform for Kerryists to make their positions known. Buoyed by a recent bequest from MacDonald's, however, an NPT spokesman who identified himself as Ray Magliozzi told the State Department to fuck itself and aired the complete tape in prime time against a re-run of ER.

U.S. elections officials are scrambling to respond to requests from the Bush and Kerry campaigns for equal time to present their cases for continued bombing and killing of Muslims as the only way to win the war on Kerryism. NPT has until noon Sunday to make time available for major party candidates to counter bin Laden's endorsement of Nader. Bush has apparently lined up David Dukes and Alberto Stroessner to say he's the best man for the job, while Kerry has yet to tell reporters when he will announce whether he will ask for equal time.

Heir to a wealthy Saudi family, bin Laden was educated in the United States and worked for the CIA beginning in the 1970s. Rumors persist that he remains on the agency payroll and may actually hold a senior position within the agency. On the tape, he told viewers that Bush failed to heed a specific warning of the September 11 attacks that was e-mailed to him in early August. He also argued that Bush's slow reaction to the events on September 11 gave hijackers considerably more time than they expected to carry out the attack. 

"It never occurred to us that the commander in chief of the American armed forces would leave 50,000 of his citizens in the two towers to face these horrors alone," bin Laden said, referring to the original count of people thought to be in the World Trade Center the morning of the attacks, more than 47,000 of which are still listed as missing.

Deriding the President, bin Laden said, "This leader of yours is so stupid that it appeared to him that a little girl's story about her goat and its annoying butting was more important than the planes and their butting into those skyscrapers. His sitting there for another 10 minutes gave us three times the required time to carry out the operations. God is great. Allah, Allah, oxenfree!"

Copyright © 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.
Originally posted: Saturday - October 30, 2004 at 05:07 PM