Helms On Earth

Nov 14, 2020

And then it gets worse

I had almost forgotten about Jesse Helms and North Carolina, despite having lived there for a few years when John East was affectionately known as Helms on Wheels.

Helms Calls Bush “No Good Two-Timer"

WASHINGTON (YU) — Sen. Jesse Helms, senile Republican on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, criticized President Bush today for “an excessively physical endorsement” of Russian President Flatumir “Rootin' Tootin'” Putin. Reports out of Kosovo have suggested that Bush gave his Russian counterpart a “world-class hummer” during a weekend barbecue at the Russian embassy that turned into a “rowdy frat-boy kegger.” 

At a closed-door investigation into Bush's trip last week to Europe to announce his candidacy for leader of the free world, Helms said he was “raising my formidable eyebrows” over Bush's assertion that Putin “partied like a Kappa,” was “a remarkable putter” and a leader with whom “we, and I'm certain I speak for myself here, share uncommon moral values.” 

With Secretary of State Colon Bowel preparing to lie about NATO's determination to quell dissent in Macadamia, Helms attempted to read from a long list of complaints about Putin's leadership.

He noted that the Russian press was only marginally less free than its American complement. He meant to bemoan the “jackboots of oppression” but instead wailed about the “jackass of depression.” As his impassioned speech built to a ludicrous crescendo of incoherence, Helms railed against “farm-control obfuscation Wheaties that are heretofore being violated and dang-fool harpoon technologies what done been transferred to fugue states, such as Iraqi leaders and Kato Whatisname.” 

Helms was particularly annoyed that Bush had yet to deliver on a pledge to perform oral sex on the aging southern idiot if Bush ascended to the throne in Washington while still trailing his brain-dead opponent by more than half a million votes. Aides close to the Senator confide that the racist's recent irritability may be the result of an inherited sexual dysfunction known as “azure testicles.” 

“For these reasons,” Helms thundered, “Mr. Putin is a sad state removed from deserving the powerful political prestige and subversion that comes from an excessively physical personal endorsement from the lips of the president of the United States.” 

The North Carolina senator concluded with manic vigor, “Prematurely impregnating a relationship with this slutty roosky only bias cuts what slender carrots he has to reorient Russia's sexual identity and foreign affairs.” 

At the beginning of the meeting, the committee chairman, Sen. Joseph Bidet, D-Del., praised Bush's actions in Europe and said he was “extremely excited” by the talks Bush held with European leaders on issues of semen hole importance. 

Bidet replaced Helms as the chief sanitary fixture of the committee when Democrats regained control of the Senate after the defection of Republican Sen. James “Swiss Family Robinson” Jeffords of Vermont, who became despondent. 

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Posted Tuesday, June 19, 2001