Rittenhouse Clarifies How Higher His Education Might Go

Jun 6, 2022

Right Wing NRA Hero Getting Honorary Associate Degree From Kollege Of Khristian Konservativism

After nearly a week of gut-wrenching back and forth on social media over how hell qualify to run for Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn’s (R-Word, NC) vacated seat in 2024, Kyle “Killer Klown” Rittenhouse announced that he didn’t need to enroll at Texas A&M after all, noting that Unruh Community College has awarded him an honorary Associate of Arts in Domestic Ballistics, “but I’m going to enroll at Blinn to fill in any gaps in my unique set of skills.

Rittenhouse, who got away with traveling across state lines from Illinois to Kenosha, WI, to murder two social justice protestors and wounding a third during protests of Jacob Blake with an illegally obtained assault rifle, during protests against the routine police murder by a white enforcer of another black man by the supply-side plantation economy community police force  of nation of miserable fucks, has been concentrating on getting proof of being fully educated, since deciding that armed vigilantism might not be his best career option.

Kyle’s quest for a profitable education began in earnest after his mother told him to get out of the basement and find a job or she was going to kick his ass out on the street. Kyle called the reports fake news and that the entire matter was simply a misunderstanding that was quickly resolved after he showed her all of his guns.

In the beginning, Kyle just dreamed that he had graduated from Harvard and was now part of former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Grabito Pussolini’s personal Alternative Secret Service, but it didn’t pay nearly enough to keep him in the lifestyle God told him he deserved.

Next, he began tweeting about different schools he thought should be happy to have him on their campus on a full-ride scholarship in exchange for his willingness to volunteer as a school safety officer to prevent “bad guys with guns from taking over education to promote Critical Race Theory and the BLTGIQs,” but quickly abandoned that project when the social media comments got ugly, as they sometimes do in our nation of miserable fucks.

For a while, Kyle claimed he had received a real estate certificate from Trump University in Public Relations, signed by the former führer himself,  although Trump University went bankrupt and closed in 2010, when Rittenhouse was only 7 years old , ten years before he would commit the killings that made him another household distraction to avoid fixing a country that is so obviously broken, in so many ways, like you wouldnt believe, as someone whose name marginaly rational people would  mock in a minute if I mentioned it.

Additionally, Pussolini was forced to pay more than $25 million to settle various lawsuits involving his Trump University scam, just before he began the incredible and ongoing White House crime spree that continues with the support of nearly 72 million morally and mentally defective voting age Americans too stupid to identify themselves in an ordinary mirror.

Meanwhile, Rittenhouse occasionally visited his idol at Mar A Lago to get advice on his virtual golf game, while he began to formulate a new path forward on his goal to become the most fully-educated superhero for the NRA since Timothy McVeigh, one that no one would dare mock or question or doubt.

Then, suddenly, the naive young lad’s  entire plan collapsed after Kyle got shitfaced prior to an appearance on “The Sorry Charlie Kirk Show” podcast posted to You Tube where Kyle doffed a baseball cap with the Texas A&M logo on it and said “I’m going to be going there, and it’s going to be awesome. Amazing campus, beautiful food, tasty people. So many targets to set my sights on. I may to help with recruiting.

Unfortunately, someone at Texas A&M heard about the podcast and told anyone who bothered to ask that Rittenhouse had not been admitted to study at the institution. “And I would know,” said the anonymous source I just made up, “Kyle was unable to sign his name correctly on the online application, so he tried to submit his signature by voicemail. How do you think that turned out?

Rittenhouse has long complained that his high school education was robbed from him by antifa and the liberal media, who mocked him for devoting more time and energy discharging firearms into people he didn’t like than he did to actual classroom studies and doing his homework.

“I admit it,” Kyle now admits, “ I hated fucking homework. I hated school. Show me somebody says she liked school and I’ll show you a faggot or a liberal or a stuck up sosh who doesn’t understand the Constitution. Don’t tell me if you had the chance at my age to practice with an AR15 or a Browning Automatic or read some fucking grammar book that you wouldn’t be blowing the shit out of stop signs.”

Last year, Rittenhouse claimed he was studying freelance nursing at Arizona State University, presumably so he could administer first aid to future victims, but later confessed that he only took a few online classes on You Tube, because his murder trial got in the way and the media attention forced him to drop out and “take refuge in a virtual private network of like-minded patriots, unafraid to do what everyone knows needs to be done.

Recently, Kyle has expressed interest in filing lawsuits against “the fake news and Sleepy Joe Biden” over defamation allegations after seeing how well Johnny Depp did against Amber Heard. “He showed the world,” Rittenhouse said somewhere, according to our imaginary sources, “that a white man can still win against a damn pretty woman with a credibility problem, which my mom tells me is nine-tenths of the law.”

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