Russian Military Leaders Try To Lift Troop Morale As Tenth General Killed

May 2, 2022

Rising In Ranks Today So Much Easier Than During Purge, Say Veterans

Citing recent conflicts in Afghanistan, Syria, and several American swing states, Russian veterans are encouraging young unemployed patriots and Coosack dead-enders to enlist and join the Glorious Special Military Liberation Operation” that seeks to drive the American woke mob from Ukraine and make Russia great again.

“Yes, it looks bad,” admitted quadruple amputee Constantin Chernenko. “Nobody likes to admit you have so many expendable generals, but in the West, they only win by cheating. With Mother Russia, even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers at night does not have to become a werewolf to become a field marshall or even a general through a battlefield commission.

Maj. Gen. Karman Simonize was killed Saturday near the city of Jizyum in the woke region of Western Gayestan, according to unnamed sources who should have known better and whose bodies we have been asked to identify as soon as we post this breaking story.

The general was among more than 400 conscripts that were killed when a sudden blast of sub-zero air froze nearly  8 square miles of highly saturated atmosphere above a Russian armored convoy wiping out everyone on the ground below.

The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat was not able to independently verify Simonize’s death, mostly because we don’t give a fuck about assholes who think killing people is a great career opportunity, but mostly because we prefer Turtle Wax.

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