All The Breaking News Of Breaking News About Breaking News To Give You Fits

The Biden administration just convened an emergency press barrage to walk back its earlier boast that it had hunted down and killed or captured Abu Ibrahim Rahman Gambino al-Hashimi Sashimi Kumbayamalaw  al-Qurayshi, second in command among second commanders of ISIS, the Islamic Space Intelligence Station, which is currently in Syria undergoing repairs.

Less than 36 hours ago, the US was in damage control mode after having initially crowed about the drone strike that had killed al-Qurayshi as he lined up a putt at the Donald J. Turdwaffle International Emoluments Resort in Damascus, a feat which had earned the lucky drone pilot somewhere in the American midwest a five thousand dollar bonus should she chose to reenlist for another eight years.

The story was going so well until Yossarian Universal (YU) News Service Middle Earthian correspondent Gottlieb Goforth asked administration officials for comment on made-up reports that twelve devout civilians were also killed in the raid and that the drone pilot failed a drug test following the confirmed kill, and he may also have been a pedophile as a child.

No one knew what to think, which was all for the good, because no one in a position of power had dared to be caught thinking since the early 1980s when Old Rummy Reagan installed the notion in the diseased mind of most feckless Americans of  a completely transactional government retooled to support a benevolent supply-side plantation economy that would equally benefit those who tinkled from on high and those far below to whom that tinkle would eventually trickle down.

Thankfully, the burgeoning idiot class embraced the Old Rummy’s  notion of One Minute Wishes, Gladhands, and Retaliations as their ticket to one day  living in a shining gated community on the hill with servants of their own.

But to return to our Breaking News, because there are rules we must follow, even here at the Portland Patpahysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat, because it is what it is when that's how you roll: 

As the crisis deepened from media gaffe to global poopadoodle tsunami of bad news for those who prefer good news or no news at all, detailed accounts of the events surrounding the deaths of al-Qurayshi and a dozen climate advocates with whom he was meeting have shifted wildly from hour to hour as ordinary citizens around the globe try to get on with their lives amid an ongoing extinction event, coupled with a deadly global pandemic and irreversible climate change that is on course to make much of the planet unfit for human habitation by 2029. No wonder everyone is so pissed off.

And don’t get me started on all the fucking gun violence and random acts of violence that seem to grow more everyday each time I hear some nitwit say that there ain’t no way to delay that truble coming everyday. Blow your own harmonica son.

Currently, some believe that the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspriator and amateur witness-tamperer Donald J. Turdwaffle had authorized the hit on al-Qurayshi at the same time he ordered the assassination of Qasem Soleimani in January of 2020 to distract from ongoing criminal and civil investigations into his public and private activities.

Apparently, Turdwaffle activated the Proud Boy cell assigned to kiddnap the ISIS climatologist with a coded message during his Fuck The Rest Of You Assholes Rally in Conroe, Texas on January 29, but, unexpectedly, al-Qurayshi responded by blowing up his compound, killing himself, his disciples, and dozens of Jan 6 rioters who had thus far evaded warrants for their arrests for criminal conspiracy.

I’m sure someone is glad by all this gloomy and doom, so pass it on.

So it goes.