Cawthorn Proposes Compromise On Critical Race Theory

Feb 1, 2022

GOP Loyalists Agree To Very Fine People On Both Sides Arrangement That Includes Critical Nazi Theory

“You can’t complain about racism,” said wheelchair Olympic Paralympian pole vaulter Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) “until you’ve lost use of your legs in an explosive IUD attack caused by alleged members of Black Lives Matters or colored folk look a lot like them, but enough about me. We’re here for the annual inauguration of Negro History Month, and to show there are no hard feelings, you’ll all note I am not waving a Confederate flag. And tomorrow is Groundhog’s Day, when we get to do this all again until it’s winter!

Cawthorn then proceeded to list all the things he is often accused of but is definitely not, before claiming that he is willing to drop his eternal opposition to the teaching of critical race theory if “the East Coast slite liberal minority of the godless was willing to allow equal time to critical white supremacist theory.

The audience was stunned, as would we be, if we were not required to soldier on and complete this incredible tale from the trenches of America’s nonsensical capitalist culture wars. 

When we initially became alarmed at America’s lurch to embrace fascism during the reign of Old Rummy Reagan, we naively hoped the inane infatuation of our perpetually uneducated class would one day develop the sense of shame God gave grits  that even hyenas express when shooed from a carcass by the monarchs of the jungle, which are, of course, the great white hunters.

But as our nation of miserable fucks continues to grow dumber and better equipped to carry out highly effective solitary mass shootings, I have begun at times to find myself thinking my pessimism may be a bit too optimistic for the fate of our proud nation of miserable fucks.


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