Turdwaffle Claims Holyfield Match Was Rigged
Sep 13, 2021
“I Got Robbed,” Twice-Impeached Nazi Natters
Former unindicted co-conspirator, Donald J. Turdwaffle and his son Little Don had hoped to earn more than 12 million dollars for their commentary during Evander Holyfield’s highly anticipated victory over Russian operative Vitor Belfort, but when Holyfield slipped and fell through the ropes while failing to connect with Belfort’s shimmering aura, the president in exile lashed out at the event, equating it to his stolen 2020 reelection.
“This has been a terrible week for America,” the fat Nazi sang, “because of some very bad decisions that were made. We should have never allowed to happen what happened when it happened in Afghaniztan where 13 of my great patriotic warriors were, well, you know, and many injured and many people killed in these final few days before my reinstatment, and it was just a shame. Even some innocent Aghans were there.”
“I remember when boxing was great,” he continued. “I used to produce some of the greatest boxing matches ever, but now it’s just like the elections. They are probably rigged.”
The former president and his developmentally disabled son Little Don stood to earn $1 million per round at the heavily-hyped September 11 Fracas in Florida event, scheduled to go 12 rounds. Their purse was to be split 75/25 with the elder Turdwaffle getting the large share.
“That’s only fair,” the tanned tyrant smiled, “ hat’s why they call it the lion’s share, and Little Donnie is lucky I shared with him at all, considering that white powder problem.”
The match was stopped in the first round after Holyfield slipped and fell through the ropes while attempting to connect with a wild looping right that missed Belfort by more than a yard, prompting the senior Turdwaffle to beat Holyfield mercilessly with a prop chair made from styrofoam.
Even worse, father and son had reportedly bet their interest in Mar A Lago on Holyfield, forcing the Turdwaffle’s to ask Russian president Putin for another advance to pay their gambling debts.
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