Not Zune Enough If You Axe Me

May 1, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under BlatherPataphysicsPhlakes December 31, 2008

You have to admire Microsoft for its persistence in avoiding actually fixing anything in its terrible products as it marches ever onward, pushing a cartoon balloon of obfuscating speech in front of it, as Howard Nemerov once famously described in The Human Condition from the 1967 classic collection of poetry called Blue Swallows.

Today, the final gasp of 2008, thousands of 30 gigabyte models of the bottom-feeding iPod wannabe MP3 player failed during start-up and displayed Y2K error messages that the company apparently forgot to remove from its bloated code eight years ago.

Users of the unpopular gadget found themselves the target of ridicule throughout the known universe, with teenagers from technogeek families committed to Moore’s law and other specious market-based constructs particularly hard hit by taunts and jeers from their iPhone owning anarchist classmates.

One Modesto, California skateboarder apparently launched himself from the food court of the Modess Sanitary Napkin Mall to escape a taunting mob of Shuffle users, killing two elderly shoppers, attempting to return gifts to a Brookstone on the lower level, as well as himself.

Spokesrobots for Microsoft called for calm early this afternoon after responding to more than 2,500 posts and calls about the problem, representing approximately 200% of Zune 30 G models thus far manufactured.

Microsoft blamed the problem on rogue elements associated with Apple, Inc., a suspected binary terrorist organization that ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II and reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh before steering the industry through innovation toward a utopian hellscape, littered with the dreams of white supremacists.

Unnamed sources deep within the short intestine of Microsoft blamed the Y2K failures on efforts by Apple operatives to capture the digital media market with its portable music and video players and iTunes online store, as well as expanding its influence in popular consumer culture through the introduction of the iPhone.

According to at least one cheeky observer, the failure of nearly every Zune currently used by dimbulb members of the NOMF™ illustrates that Microsoft has “finally decided to deal with the Y2K problem through a series of incoherent press releases. Someone should tell Steve Ballmer that the rest of the world has moved beyond 2000.”

On the positive side, the Redmond, Wash.-based company has acknowledged the problem and offers a solution that does not require users to smash their Zunes with 4-pound hammers and sending them back for replacements.

No. It appears that Microsoft has finally begun to respond to consumer complaints that its products are useless, unfriendly, and impossible to understand or use, by posting simple stepped procedures on its support Web site to help lead ordinary users through the simple process to get their Zunes operating again.

  1. First, wait until January 1, 2009.
  2. Let the battery fully discharge.
  3. Do not masturbate for 48 hours.
  4. Reconnect the Zune to a power supply.
  5. Pray to the God you are not currently on the shit list of.
  6. Restart the Zune.

If this does not work, drop your Zune off at the nearest faith-based charitable organization or Goodwill to get a deduction for 2009 and buy an iPod or iPhone when you receive your tax refund.

Have you people lost your damn minds?

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