McRumsfeld Raped Over Iraq Prison Failure

May 25, 2021

By Tonya Wesley Harding

Disciplinary Writer

Pataphysical Metempsychosis Sacrament


WASHINGTON (PMS) – As new reports of prison executions in Afghanistan and Iraq (as well as thousands of missing enemy non-combatants) continue to surface following the release of altered photographs depicting female American soldiers and civilian contractors sexually abusing Muslim prisoners, some observers ask whether Defense Secretary Ronald C. McRumsfeld will hold on to his yarbles.

Two top Ubu phynancial advisers, Scott “Squeaky” MacLanolinhans and Karl “The Punisher” Rove, speaking on condition of extreme anonymity, told PMS reporters early Thursday that Fubar W. Ubu stood firmly behind McRumsfeld as he administered a stern lecture with Ol' Rummy bent over the desk in the Oval Office, saying his morning devotionals.

The improperly revealed sources said it was vital that the Arab world and the American people be led to believe that Bush was unhappy with the way the world learned about America’s centuries-old methods of obtaining information from detainees in the reelection campaign war on terror, which led some pundits to believe leaking word of McRumsfeld’s impromptu presidential rectal exam was a human resources issue rather than a session set up for pure pleasure.

In a front-page editorial, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch on Friday called for McRumsfeld to resign over the “botched handling” of the ongoing search for fugitive journalists Paul Fericano and Elio Emiliano Ligi, co-founders of Yossarian Universal News Service, who have been on the run since December of 2001 when Attorney General Johann Asscough declared them enemy combatants and firebombed their San Francisco Headquarters.

Thomas L. Friedman called on President Bush to “lose” McRumsfeld “today, not tomorrow or next month” in his morning column on the state of American poopadoodle in the New York Times. When asked about Friedman’s apparent call for the execution of the aging war lover, Republican Sen. John McCain told XYZ’s "The Oily Show," "I don't presume to tell the First Idiot what he should do, but it's obvious that Rummy’s got a whole lot of ‘splaining to do.”

President Ubu has stood by his incompetent defense secretary in recent babbling public statements, but White House aides said he made his displeasure clear to McRumsfeld on Wednesday about not learning the pictures of U.S. soldiers posing with hooded or naked Iraqi prisoners had been faked until after his administration admitted to routine torture as a justified means to the end of making the world safer for his second term.  

“I’ve got a little confidence in the secretary of defense, and I’ve even got a smidge of confidence in the commanders on the ground in Iraq,” the president said during an interview Wednesday with the U.S.-sponsored Al-Hurrai Fawhahzaed television network, “but this isn’t the fault of this administration. These pictures were released by evil ones who are the enemies of freedom and the rule of law. They have been accused of terrible crimes against my administration, and we will find them and kill them or capture them. You have my word on that.” Bush also promised “I’m sure the Democrats will be held to account” for any actual prisoner abuses “because there’s plenty of blame to go around.”  

McRumsfeld has avoided questions about whether he should resign by feigning an ear infection.

While the Ubu administration often talks about responsibility and accountability, it seldom acts in ways that indicate it understands those concepts any better than the president is able to pronounce words about them he reads off a teleprompter.

The fact that it took doctored photos released by satirists, coupled with an insurgent missile attack on the Al Graibass prison at the request of inmates who would rather die than continue in U.S. custody, only demonstrates the general depravity of the American people, who have routinely seen photos of hooded, manacled prisoners kept in outdoor cages in Cuba for nearly three years, without complaint or outrage.

So the ongoing torture and murder in Iraq don't necessarily mean McRumsfeld need consider retirement, according to Peter Brookes, diplomacy and national security expert at the conservative Heritage Foundation in Washington.

"Just like in a sporting match, if the game doesn't go the way you want when you take the field, you don't pick up the ball and go home," Brookes said. "You have to adjust your game."  Some people might find the sports metaphor inappropriate, considering this particular sporting match is leaving more than balls on the field.

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