Lon “Hell On Wheels” Cheney Threatens New Attacks

Apr 15, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 4, 2009

Clearly upset at Obama administration executive orders that will prevent him from accidentally shooting anyone in the face while hunting for spotted owls this year, former vice president-in-hiding Lon Cheney rolled his RollsRoyce-powered wheelchair into an interview today, injuring several intern journalists.

Growling and flashing his trademark snarl, Cheney warned the liberal media that unless the new president returns to the policies that he and the former First Idiot put in place, he will dare our enemies to launch nuclear and biological attacks on the U.S. before the mid-term elections “to see how effective his agenda of change and hope is in defending those who hate me.”

Cheney also dismissed recent reporting that suggest all opposition to Obama’s proposals is the result of the efforts by Rush Limbaugh and other right wingnut radio pundits.

Rush Limbaugh, a well-known drug-addict and obesely prominent radio bloviator has repeatedly called on his loyal listeners to pray for all of Obama’s plans to fail miserably and plunge the nation and the world into lasting chaos. Cheney dismisses Limbaugh’s position as not patriotic enough. “Rush is a money-grubbing pussy,” Cheney told a wounded reporter at Politico, “He doesn’t even return my calls, and he doesn’t hunt.”

According to Cheney, the only way Americans will fully appreciate what a great job he and Bush did during their eight years growing the economy, bringing lasting peace and democracy to tyrannical regimes, and bolstering America’s prestige around the globe is for terrorists to inflict major casualties and property losses on “thankless beneficiaries of all our hard work.” Cheney believes that such attacks will compound the problems brought about by deficit spending caused by the Democratic opposition to the war on terror.

“When we elect people who are more concerned about reading Carmen Miranda rights to a potential al Franqen terrorist than they are with protecting United States assets against people who are absolutely committed to resisting anything we do to kill or capture them, then I worry,” Cheney said. “This is not the America I have occasionally sworn to serve.”

Citing secret intelligence reports he commissioned after leaving office in January that are not available to the current administration, Cheney said that at least 61 of the Guantanamo inmates who were released after having been found to have no previous ties to al Qaeda, Hezbollah, or Hamas have “gone into the business of being terrorists.”

Cheney says this proves that the only way to prevent suspects from becoming a danger to American interests “is to kill them first and capture their body parts. Even the innocent ones are going to hate you and try to destroy you if you let them go. That’s what the liberals and Democrats don’t understand. Or maybe they do and they just don’t care.”

Speaking the day after he emerged from his burrow, only to see his shadow and predict another six months of orange and red terror alert levels, Cheney stressed that the “United States doesn’t need to be loved. It needs to be feared and respected and obeyed. Sometimes, that requires us to take allegedly repulsive, illegal, and inhuman actions that generate global revulsion among the survivors. I’m not at all sure that the Obama administration has the balls to admit to that reality and call a spade a spade.”

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