Things Have Been So Crazy It’s Hard To Keep Them Straight

Less than 8 months after marrying a woman with whom he was incompatible, freshman Rep. Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn filed for divorce from “Mrs. Cawthorn,” according to court documents. A spokesman for the congressman assured us that he did indeed know his wife’s first name but it had slipped his mind during the long lonely months he worked on completing the paperwork. 

“If he had written ‘To Be Named Later,'” the spokeperson spat, “you would have accused him of being petty or callous.

In a series of prepared statements, clarifications, denials, and personal attacks, Holden-Cawthorn blamed his failed marriage on unnamed constitutents who elected him to the seat formerly shat upon by Mark Meadows, who left it to become chief of staff for America’s favorite former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & COVID super-spreader in chief.

“Me and the missus had been happily married for many long months until that fateful day in November of 2020,” the Helms On Wheels impersonator said, possibly alluding to the election, “Overnight our lives changed. Just like that. That change has been both hectic and difficult, it’s neither the glamor nor the riches we had planned for.”

“In the beginning, we committed to working things out, to fight for our right to be married, despite our differences,” he continued, “and to seek wise counsel within the church on how best to convince my occasioinally headstrong wife of her responsibility to me as one of God’s earthern vessels. At some point, she threw a heavy cast iron skillet at my head & I knew the devil had gotten into her. Please respect our privacy in these troublesome times.”