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Arachnarchive

Pirate Dan Crenshaw tells 10-Year-Old To Walk The Plank

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

No One Questions The Religion Of A War Hero, Says Schmuck IdolatorIn Houston for a Teabagger Convention on Monday, Rep Pirate Dan Crenshaw (R-Word, TX) took time from whatever he does for a living to scold a 10-year-old girl who asked him why he suggested Jesus was not a real hero, like Superman, during...

Glenn Youngkin Attempts To Ban History On Day One As Virginia Governor

Sunday, January 16, 2022

No One Has Been More Critical Of Race Than Me, Nimrod SaysOn his first day in office, Gov. Glenn Youngkin (R-Word, VA) accidentally banned old television sets & computer monitors when he signed an executive order banning CRTs throughout the state.
Law enforcement officials are scrambling to develop...

As The #CountdownTo900Thousand Draws To A Close

Friday, January 14, 2022

Now this Is What We Pataphysicians Call Flattering The Curve!I told you guys we could do it! No self-inflicted catastrophe is beyond the reach of our nation of miserable fucks.

When we set our minds to it, we can swear that the shit we are currently feasting upon is the greatest shit anyone...

One Thing I Can Still Appreciate Is Truth In Advertising

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

As In 'Horse Kicks Tree, Farts On Dogs Then Runs Away.'Seriously.

I’m not kidding around.

Why Are Millions Of Americans Quitting Their Jobs For Good?

Monday, January 10, 2022

Maybe They Want To Spend Our Final Years On A Habitable Earth Laughing Their Asses OffAs W. S. Burrough’s often said: “Wouldn’t you?”

DeSantis Blames COVID Test Supply Expiration On Poor Consumer Demand

Saturday, January 8, 2022

It’s Not My Fault People Listened To CDC Guidance“Don’t shoot the messenger,” Repugnicunt Gov. DeSantis told a sparsely attended press conference at SeaWorld Friday, as news broke that Florida had allowed more than a million rapid tests in short supply  to expire in a refrigerated warehouse crammed...

Donald Trump's Fiercest Critics Now Agree With His COVID Fighting Strategy

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

And No I Am Not Making That Newsweek Headline UpSee for yourself:

I can remember when Newsweek was the official liberal newsweekly before they embraced our supply-side plantation economy & love of freedumbocracy.
I was curious about who these fiercest critics were & what COVID fighting...

Capitol Rioter Compares Attacks On Her To Treatment Of 'Jews In Germany'

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Says Benjamin Netanyahu Invited Her To Israel To Handle West Bank Settlement SalesJenna Ryan, the Texas insurrectionist surreal-estate salesman who flew on a private jet last January to join other right-wing nutjobs in a failed attempt to overturn the free and fair election of Joe Biden, is now trying...

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro Hospitalized With Intestinal Obstruction

Monday, January 3, 2022

Team Of Crack Spelunkers Called In To Search For Leader’s Brain ContainerOne of the world’s remaining amateur Turdwaffle impersonators still clinging to power in the Western hemisphere was listed in critical but stable condition this morning after an expedition was launched to remove the head of Brazil’s...

Turdwaffle To Celebrate Be Best Patriot's Day On January 6

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Promises To Make Day A National Holiday As Soon As He’s ReinstatedA surprisingly diverse platoon of spokesapologists for the GOP today expressed concern over former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspriator & failed insurrectionist Donald J. Turdwaffle’s recent announcement that he will hold a news...

Marjoe Faylure Greengoblin Wants A Divorce From Woke Americans

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

Demands Custody Of All Non-Nazi Votes And Spousal Support From Deadbeat LiberalsDingbat Georgia representative Marjoe Faylure Greengoblin is tired of liberals and brainwashed blue staters trying to confuse the voters of her district with facts and figures “that don’t change nothing where I come from”...

Are All Jareds Schmucks?

Monday, December 27, 2021

Asking For An Oregon Jared Named SchmeckIf this were a tweet, that’s it.

My Christmas Gift From Ted Steven's InterWeb

Sunday, December 26, 2021

Was Discovering CocorosieAnd I wouldn’t have made that discovery if not for Netflix, where I was watching The Gift, my favorite Turkish daffy taffy, where one episode ended with an excerpt from this song, an oddly pataphysical tribute to Jean Genet…
I had no idea that they record Lemonade before...

Fox Blasts 'Don't Look Up' As Thinly Veiled Climate Change Propaganda

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Do Liberals Hate Good Paying Jobs? “Does anyone buy the idea that this is a science fiction film about a comet?” asked Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson. “Just look at who likes it. Does anyone smell the Green New Deal here? Well, I do.”
Carlson was not alone in his criticism of the new Adam McKay...

Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn Divorces Wrong Woman

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Things Have Been So Crazy It’s Hard To Keep Them StraightLess than 8 months after marrying a woman with whom he was incompatible, freshman Rep. Ashli Madison Holden-Cawthorn filed for divorce from “Mrs. Cawthorn,” according to court documents. A spokesman for the congressman assured us that he did...

Joe Manchin Dashed Biden's Build Back Better Dreams. Here's Why He Did It

Monday, December 20, 2021

Moderate Clean Coal Nazi Denies Changing His Name From Manson Adding What If I Did?“I’m so damn fed up with this liberal cancel culture,” the embittered Senator told Squeaky Biggins-Frome of Access Hollywood Sunday, immediately following his sound-bite opportunity with Brian Kilmeade on Fox News’ Meet...

Democrats Should Tell Manchin To Fuck Himself

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Make Him Actually Vote Against His ConstituentsHaving been born with the inability to believe in anything, I’ve always been at a distinct advantage when dealing with life on planet Earth. You know, that thing that is not binary and connected be controlled? I don’t look at things and imagine what will...

Louisiana Judge Blasts Media For Reporting On Racist Comments Made Inside Her Own Home

Thursday, December 16, 2021

If This Kancel Kulchur Kontinues, Pretty Soon Racists Will Have No Place To Pursue Their Happiness In America!Suspended Lafayette judge Michelle Bachmann Malkin O’Toole (R-Word, LA) lashed out at “antifa and their allies in the liberal media” this morning after news that her son Olajuwan had been kicked...

Majority Say Looming Extinction Is Not Their Problem

Monday, December 13, 2021

It Is What It IsDisplaying the can-do attitude that built the world’s greatest economy based entirely on fast food & ephemeral services, a growing majority of Americans now believe that climate change is real and poses a clear and present danger to the continued existence of life as we know it on Earth...

Kellyanne Conway Claims Vindication

Saturday, December 11, 2021

You Thought I Was Making It Up Former Turdwaffle Director of Dysinformation Kellyanne Conway called into Fox & Friends this afternoon to say she doubted anyone will question of the power of alternative facts again after reports of widespread damage in Bowling Green, Kentucky, following an outbreak...

Latest Smash & Grab Targets Don Wienauer's Gay Apparel

Saturday, December 4, 2021

Homophobic Flash Mob Accused Of Hate CrimeMore than 40 hooligans disguised as antifa Proud Boys stormed a high-end clothing store in North Portland last night, looting handbags, jewelry, shoes, thongs, toiletries, & opera gloves, as general mayhem continued to spread across our nation of miserable...

AntiVaxPAC To Hold Mar A Lago SprayAThon

Thursday, December 2, 2021

Turdwaffle Bemoans Vaccines Undoing America’s GreatnessThe hits keep coming to my Nazi junk e-mail boxes:

Turdwaffle To Self-Publish Memoir With Campaign Funds

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Save America & You Save Yourselves Says Former Failed FührerFollowing reports that former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & alleged Russian peepeeholic Donald J. Turdwaffle has thus far refused to entertain any offers for his presidential memoir without an advance “at least a couple of grand...

Aaron Rodgers Has Broken Pinky Toe

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Star Shows Off Foot Over Zoom Saying See No Camel ToeProving yet again something or other not clearly articulated, Green Bay QB Aaron Rogers spent several minutes today talking about his foot, trying to counter increasing showes of disinofrmation sweeping across the barren tundra which “presumes to...

Rittenhouse Vows To Protect Kenosha When Acquitted

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Judge Ricky Schroeder Passes Note To JuryAn authorized spokesperson for Kylie Rittenhouse, the AR15 wielding white teen avenger on trial for killing two protestors & wounding a third, told a gaggle of  free-press reporters assigned the news & entertainment ephemeral services sector that Rittenhouse...

Fuck That Kid

Thursday, November 11, 2021

Twitter Overwhelmingly Agrees With Dave Bautista On This On#FuckThatKid

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn Calls On Christian Soldiers

Sunday, November 7, 2021

We Must Not Allow The Heathen To Rage! Says Helms On Wheels, Jr.In one of his first official pronouncements following his induction into the House Freedumbocracy Caucus as Kookie Rookie of the Year, freshman insurrectionist Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) told a soup of slathering professional...

Turdwaffle Threatens To Block COVID Vaccine For Kids

Monday, November 1, 2021

Pivots From claiming Executive Privilege To Issuing Executive OrdersOutraged that president Biden is refusing to support his claim that even twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirators are guaranteed by the Constitution to have executive privilege in perpetuity, America’s favorite former First Idiot,...

How About We Cancel English Grammar Altogether

Friday, October 29, 2021

To Make The World Safe For Everyone’s Favorite Pronouns?I’m pretty tired of this proudly uneducated woke world The Reagan Legacy’s supply-side plantation economy has left us, where some fey righteous asshole feels it has the right to demand I acknowledge its political fantasy.
I’m always reminded...

Mitt The Shit Romney Opposes Taxing The Uber Rich

Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Billionaires Are People Too, Just Like Corporations“America was built on slavery & genocide, not socialism,” America’s 2nd favorite Mormon white guy told fake media celebrities. “We’ll never make America great again by forcing the plantation owners to pay for the privilege of job creating. There will...

At The Rate The Stupid Are Killing Themselves With COVID

Thursday, October 21, 2021

Our Nation Of Miserable Fucks May Endure!I’m still telling you I told you so like I did way back during the bicentennial, which did not involve a shit pile of non-binary people demanding equal rights in our freedumbocracy, although I have been adamant in attesting that reality is not binary & never...

Let's Lift A Vial Of Anthrax In Honor Of Colon Bowel

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

Maybe It Will Make Us Shit All Over Donald J. Turdwaffle’s PartyShould I release an official statement from the office of @DoctorFaustroll, your favorite temporarily suspended twit of the Untied States of Hysteria?

Missouri Vows To Prosecute Journalist Who Found Security Flaw In State Website

Thursday, October 14, 2021

A Clear Violation Of Our Terms Of ServiceA journalist with the  St. Louis Post-Dispatch discovered a security issue on a website maintained by the Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education (DESE). By conducting a search & then reading the HTML source code for the returned records, anyone...

Turdwaffle Blasts Wokism For Columbo Day Name Change

Monday, October 11, 2021

They’re Canceling Our Great Italian Family Heritage“In 1492,” Turdwaffle shouted at his rally for Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn in Lickskillet, NC, “Colombo sailed the ocean blue, and that’s why we celebrate Colombo Day, which was made into a great TV program, not as good as The Apprentice, but it...

#TrumpIsBroke

Friday, October 8, 2021

He’s A Loser & He’s Just What He Appears To BeHe’s a loser & he gets off by drinking pee.

Ted Cruz Blames School Shooting & Looming Debt Limit"" On Biden Border Policy

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

“We Need To Reinstate A Real President,” Cancun Cruz Tells Press WhoresAmerica’s favorite feckless fuck-up, Sen. Ted “Cancun” Cruz (R-Word, TX) held a press conference this morning to blame America’s epidemic of school shootings & random gun violence on Joe Biden’s “failure to secure our borders,”...

Marjoe Faylour Greene Asks Media Why God Has Forsaken Her

Monday, October 4, 2021

Claims Dems Are Rigging Her Life & Ruining The Lives Of Some Very Fine PeopleDays after attempting to introduce a House Bill legalizing concealed carry for fetuses more than 6 weeks old, Georgia’s favorite farmer’s daughter got into a shouting match with a deaf mute Forever Wveteran panhandling in...

Rep. Banks Questions January 6 Commission's Decision To "Spy" On House Republicans

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

The Founding Fathers Would Never Allow This!To prove something or other, Indiana Representative Jim Banks objected to even the idea of subpoenas for phone records of House Repugnicunts because it “would depart from more than 230 years of Congressional oversight, especially wiretaps. Looking at our...

Repugnicunts Outraged To Discover Antifa Owns Stock In Merck

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Makers of IvermectinEmmett Grogan, founder of The Diggers and reported vice-president of Antifa, told a packed hearing this morning that his group has made billions on the recent surge of ivermectin use among very fine unvaccinated people on former twice-impeached & undicted co-conspirator Donald J....

Old Mitch McDonald Tells Dems Not To Play Russian Roulette With Economy

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Why Risk The Great Tax Cuts The Russians Gave Us?Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY-Jelly) told reporters at a press gaggle and impromptu circle-jerk on Wednesday that America has already used all the help & good will it needed from the Russians in 2017, when they helped produce the greatest supply-side...

Texas Governor Abbott Primaried By Louise Costello

Friday, September 17, 2021

Turdwaffle Endorsement Does Not Deter Repugnicunt ChallengeTexas Gov. Bud Abbott is facing a field of more than 10 primary challengers despite his 73% approval rating among Turdwaffle supporters, many of whom are on life support for refusing to get vaccinated, wear a mask, or social distance during...

Report Says Rioting Portland Police Provoked Violence During George Floyd Protests

Friday, September 17, 2021

Well, duh…Those guys weren’t even funny back in the 1980s when North Portland was not yet gentrified, & The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat’s alternative religious subsidiary had a sign out front that read:

Megyn Kelly Hospitalized After Meltdown Over Madonna's Firm Butt

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

“There’s No Way That Thing Is Real,” Exclaims Bloviating Bony Ass BitchFormer Fox News and NBC distaff Maury Povich, Megyn “Mo” Kelly was hospitalized in the early hours of September 15, following a rant over Madonna’s Video Music Award’s appearance, where she accused the 63-year-old pop star of wearing...

Turdwaffle Claims Holyfield Match Was Rigged

Monday, September 13, 2021

“I Got Robbed,” Twice-Impeached Nazi NattersFormer unindicted co-conspirator, Donald J. Turdwaffle and his son Little Don had hoped to earn more than 12 million dollars for their commentary during Evander Holyfield’s highly anticipated victory over Russian operative Vitor Belfort, but when Holyfield...

QAnon Amos And Andy Ngo To Host Jan. 6 Celebration

Saturday, September 11, 2021

Claim Capitol Police Response Was Terrorist Attack On FreedumbocracyJacob Shandling, the insurrectionist formerly known as the QAnon Shaman, has teamed up with independent Y’all Qaeda journalist Andy Ngo to mark the first anniversary of the Turdwaffle-inspired liberation of our nation’s Capitol to...

Turdwaffle To Honor 9/11 Heroes With Evander Holyfield Ringside Tag Team

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Junior Promises “Two-Fisted Entertainment” To Make America GreatFormer twice-impeachment unindicted coconspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle and his eldest son Donald J. Turdwaffle Jr. have teamed up with FITE TV to give good patriotic Americans the kind of entertainment they crave on the 20th anniversary...

Laurena Boebert Says She Has 2nd Amendment Plan To Get Rid Of Biden, Harris and Pelosi

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Colorado Gun Nut Serenades Glenn BeckFreshman Colorado congressturd Laurena Boebert has incessantly demanded that we stop misspelling her name in such a way that impressionable uneducated readers might conflate the freshman anti-Fauci-Ouchie activist with the woman who tossed her husband's severed...

#FloridaMan Demands DeSantisizing

Monday, August 30, 2021

"This Guy Embarasses Me,” Says State MascotSunshine State governor RegeneRon DeSantis may be a shoo-in for the 2024 Repugnicunt presidential nomination, but #FloridaMan is not impressed.Best known for his arrest after calling 911 to report a kitten getting refused entry at a titty bar, #FloridaMan...

Turdwaffle Praises Mullah Babar As "One Tough Cookie"

Saturday, August 28, 2021

“That Guy Really Knows How To Make A Great Deal” Former Guy Tells Nazi Talk Show
Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & failed führer Donald J. Turdwaffle called one of his favorite white supremacist talk show hosts yesterday to flex his oration muscles after a four day bout with painful...

Katrina 16th Anniversary Remembrance Canceled

Friday, August 27, 2021

Hurricane’s Unacknowledged Daughter Ida About To Violate Implied Restraining OrderEver heard of someone asking for a maternity test?

NRA Cancels 150th Anniversary Out An Abundance Of Fear

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Refuses To Stand Its Ground Against COVID For Second Consecutive YearThe American Nazi Rifle Association (NRA) canceled its 2021 Annual Membership Meeting scheduled for Houston from September 3-5 this morning in a conference call with its Fox News communications firm. 
The NRA released the following...

Turdwaffle Urges Deplorable Base To Embrace Sleepwalking Over Wokeness

Monday, August 23, 2021

“You Too Can Learn To Run A Business In Your Sleep,” Grifting Guru Tells Uneducated AcolytesAmidst his hours-long rant in Cullman, Alabama, against antifa, women, immigrants, clean air, socialism, young people, education, COVID, mask mandates, blacks, hispanics, asians, nature, environmentalists, Greenpace,...

Trump Calls Taliban Afghanistan's Proud Boys

Saturday, August 21, 2021

Former President Whoops It Up At Alabama Repugnicunt RallyWarming up for his recently rescheduled reinstatement now slated for September 11, 2021, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle took to the stage in Cullman tonight to tout his good relations with the Taliban,...

War To Avenge George H. W. Bush's Honor Ends In Defeat

Monday, August 16, 2021

How Soon We Forget After 20 YearsI told you so. You people should have been listening when I told you so the first 100 or so times.
Remember when nerve gas turned out to be bee shit & the WMD in Iraq were stolen to make Dubya look bad? We’re getting good at this.

Dubai Is The Epitome Of Late Stage Supply Side Plantation Economics

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

A Shrine To St. Ronald ReaganIt’s nice to know that endless war & ballistic consummables is not America’s first & foremost export. Supply-side plantation economics is.
It’s so nice not to have to slam the unchosen country of my birth for being populated by such stupid scumbags, by having someone...

Mike Lindell Cyber Symposium Delayed By Random Zeroes & Ones

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

“Michael Che Hacked My Whole Capture Packet! ” CEO Screams Into Pile Of My Pillow QC RejectsMy Pillow founder Mike Lindell welcomed a throng of thonged QAnon computer experts numbering in the mid-double-digits to Sioux Falls this morning for a three-day cyber symposium that will prove “beyond a shallow...

Marjoe Failure Greene Urges Southerners To Shoot Vaccine Volunteers

Friday, August 6, 2021

“We All Love Our Second Amendment Rights,” Smarmy Seditionist SmilesNot content with having been stripped of all her committee assignments for having promoted the January 6th insurrection, freshman Georgia Rep. Marjoe Failure Greene told the Alabama Confederation of Repugnicunt Grabbable Pussies on...

6 Month Anniversary Fast Approaching

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Is It Time To Resubmit My Appeal of Twitter’s Suspension Of My Account For Hateful Conduct?I’m getting mixed messages here.

Holden Cawthorn's Glock Confiscated

Saturday, July 31, 2021

Tries To Claim It’s His Emotional Support AnimalNorth Carolina Freshman  Representative Holden Cawthorn recently denied he tried to sneak a loaded Glock with 2 extended magazines onto a flight to Mar A Lago back in February. 
“This is old fake news from the liberal media political hit mob,” said...

The Three Mouseketeers!

Friday, July 30, 2021

One For All & All Trumps OneI just read that if you assigned four average Americans to collaborate to accomplish any task, three of them will soon produce enough carbon emissions to kill the fourth one.
Well, that sounds about right.

Anyone Else Choose To Identify As Human?

Thursday, July 22, 2021

I’ve Started Identifying As A Human-AmericanUnfortunately, it no longer goes without saying in this nation of miserable fucks.

Antifa Is Fully Vaccinated

Sunday, July 18, 2021

QAnon Claims Antifa Has Been Hoarding “The Good Stuff”Arguing that the Biden vaccines are designed to sterilize Turdwaffle supporters, Mr. & Mrs. Walter Q. White took to Facebook this morning to blast antifa for using up all the safe vaccines developed from hydroxychloroquine during Operation Warped...

Another One For #TheDeadbeats

Saturday, July 17, 2021

The Lamb Runs Around On BroadwayI seldom listen to a song without hearing a dozen others. That’s just a simple fact. I can jump between one & the other like a freaky dancer with eight leftist legs. Sometimes the juxtaposition seems perfectly natural, sometimes sublime.

Fire Raging On Idiot Creek

Thursday, July 15, 2021

If You Want To Visit Idiotville, Get Here SoonHow many times do I have to tell you I told you so? Is your attention span really that short? Were you homeschooled to achieve your level of implausibly clueless deniability? Jesus Christ, people. It must be nice to consider yourself an unpaid intern in...

Washington Football Team Named Best Named Racist Sports Franchise

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Racist Owner Is Honored For White Wing ActivismThe NFL franchise formerly known as the Redskins (after America’s penchant for making souvenirs of the scalps of native peoples who refused to go gently into that good night) recently rejected attempts to rename it the DC Dudleys, because Twitter users...

"Fuck DC," Says Rudy Giuliani

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

District Of Columbia Suspends Law LicenseLifelong sleazebag & America’s favorite ambulance chaser, Rudy Giuliani reacted strongly today when the District of Columbia suspended his law license for peddling unfounded conspiracy theory & undermining the integrity of US elections. This follows a similar...

Marjoe Greenegartner Slams Nazi Haters

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

“You Liberals Can Go Back Where You Came From!” Georgia Rep Shouts At Somebody Who Gets Paid To Repeat Her Dumb ShitAfter a July 4th celebraation where Georgia’s most intelligent representative even took off her riot helmet & flak jacket to go NRA-topless while greeting supporters, Marjorie Taylor...

NOAA Denies Planet Is Becoming More Like Venus

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Spokesman Misspoke When He Blamed NW Temperature On Heat RayThousands of Pacific northwesterners have been shocked to discover the life inurance policies of their loved ones do not cover climate change-related losses of life or limb. Agents says coverage available through the addition of  riders but...

Marco Rubio Calls For Common Sense Conservatism

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Urges GOP Putting The Working Class To Better UseWhile not mentioning the previous GOP occupant of the White House by name, Florida’s jive-ass junior Senator told Fox News the Republican Party is now positioned to take advantage of an “enormous opening & opportunity” to revise its narrative & rebrand...

Turdwaffle Denies Cutting Deal With FBI

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Hundreds Rounded Up At Ohio RallyAfter law enforcement officers rounded up more than 160 #AmericaFirst supporters on the roads leading to Wellington, Ohio, the former twice-impeached Nazi führer issued an e-mail statement condemning the action, seeking to distance himself from rumors that he had flipped...

911 Truthers Swarm Miami Condo Collapse

Friday, June 25, 2021

“Looks Like Another Controlled Demolition” Says QAnon SpokeswomanTaking time out from their feverish preparations for Donald J. Turdwaffle’s reinstatement as president of America First in August, the stylish fringe on the buckskin of America’s  freedumbocracy focused their special skills on the Champlain...

Sydney Bowell To Sue Billy J. Kramer & The Dakotas Claiming Copyright Infringement Of Sugar Ray Song

Wednesday, June 23, 2021

Court Filing Reveals Imaginary AssetsFormer Turdwaffle attorney of cole slaw Sydney Greenstreak Bowell claims that “even if an illegal judge & jury were to find me liable for the full amount of the Old Dominion voter fraud machine's ridiculous 2 billion dollar claim, I have that much lying around the...

Don Jr. Demands A Januteenth For American Patriots

Sunday, June 20, 2021

“Freedom Isn’t Just For Antifa & Black Lives Matter Anymore!” Former First Idiot Bastard Son Shouts In Empty Food Court At The Mall Of AmericaCiting polls no one has ever heard of, let alone fact-checked, Donald J. Trump, Jr. told a small vocal group of Juneteenth Day protest in Minnesota this morning...

NASCAR Condemns Critical Race Theory

Friday, June 18, 2021

Spokesmuffler Emily Litigationella Arrives Late To The Daytona Conversation

BLM Declares Black Fungus A Forest Product

Thursday, June 17, 2021

Harvesters Must Buy A PermitAmerica’s supply side plantation economy wasted no time finding a bright side to the Delta variant of COVID19 & the black fungus infestations that plague many of the survivors. The nation’s top economists are hard at work developing policies & procedures to ensure this new...

We're Running Out Of Caves!

Saturday, June 12, 2021

Being Woke Is The America’s Got Talent Of RapturesI gave up on popular culture when my Pet Rock died.

Was Reagan Right Or Did Nazi HIV As God's Wrath??

Friday, June 11, 2021

Christians Urge “Eliminating” Gays To Stop Spread Of COVID
Despite their abject failure to rid the planet of homosexuals & other enemies of their church-run state during the Reagan era, when they lobbied the Old Rummy against funding research into the prevention & cure of AIDS by calling it “The...

Marjorie Taylor Blames Big Guy For COVID-19

Wednesday, June 9, 2021

“I Don’t Believe In Evolution. I Believe in God!”
Fire Fauci Act author & Georgia’s favorite insurrectionist representative, Margarine “Say What?” Greene is drumming up support among the uneducated, unvaccinated, & unmasked to join her in urging the illegimately elected president to adapt the...

Bush Tells Saddam To Leave Earth

Monday, June 7, 2021

THE TERROR CHANNEL by Carrie Nation Mathers 
Apocalypso Editor 
Pataphysical Military Service 
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VALLEY FORGE (PMS) – Draped in an American flag and surrounded by illiterate children from one of President Fubar Bush’s favorite faith-based pre-schools...

Marjorie Taylor Greene Demands Equal Time

Saturday, June 5, 2021

"No Fag Flags On My Watch!” Screams #FamilyValues LeaderThe Old Glory Only Act sponsor slammed antifa Socialist Democrats while also demanding more respect she does not deserve in a fiesty speech during a pole-dancing fund-raiser at the Lester Maddox Christian Family Forum on Saturday.
Greene...

Kayleigh Maganinny Pours A Chill Cask Of Whine

Friday, June 4, 2021

Tries To Play Hacky PsakiPhox News trotted out several of its blonde bimbos this morning to complain that they never had time to get big media profiles because they were too busy doing the Lord’s work for Donald Trump.

King Ubu Jr. Mobilizes Olympic Denial Team

Friday, June 4, 2021

Dr. Phillip Pihl Hill
Consulting Enabler
Pataphysical Medical Syndrome
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WASHINGTON (PMS) – To help the public refocus its attention on its reelection campaign war against John Kerry and the memory of JFK, National Sekurity Deviser Condomsqueezer Rice...

Melania Claims Trump Quit Blog To Focus On August Reinstatement

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Trump Weighs Military OptionsAs the Cyber Ninja recount in Arizona continues to find new evidence that Democrat UFOs may have altered mail-in ballots in the November election, former president Donald Jefferson Turdwaffle has pivoted from baseless conspiracy theories of election fraud to questionable...

Farm Worker Fired For Improper Sunscreen Choice

Monday, May 31, 2021

Dismissed For Cultural Apppropriation
As woke & unwoke participants in Western civilization slowly come to grips with the lunacy of our past 4,000 years of human history, the culture wars have now even infiltrated the realms of workplace safety & anti-harassment regulations.
Pedro Dias Mechanica,...

Ted Bundy Theme Park To Open In Orlando

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

American Boogeyman To Capitalize On Bundy Franchising Bundy & Buddies, LLC, just unveiled a smorgasbord of Bundy goodies, for Americans who don’t mind getting down with their bad selves.
There’s By George Bundy, a new sandwich at Subway featuring dried pulled beef from range-starved cattle set...

McRumsfeld Raped Over Iraq Prison Failure

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

By Tonya Wesley Harding
Disciplinary Writer
Pataphysical Metempsychosis Sacrament
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WASHINGTON (PMS) – As new reports of prison executions in Afghanistan and Iraq (as well as thousands of missing enemy non-combatants) continue to surface following...

Evangelical Trumpers Call For Army Of The Dead Boycott

Saturday, May 22, 2021

Snyder Slammed For Graphic Late Term Abortion FootageThe religious right is crying foul over Zachary Taylor Snyder's latest entry into the zombie genre with a thinly-veiled retelling of the biblical creation story. “These goddamn liberals think they can do whatever they want now that they stopped us...

It's No Longer Enough To Be Reinstated

Friday, May 21, 2021

@DoctorFaustroll Has Earned A Blue CzechEvery knows the joke, right?

Why Can't We Call Twitter Users Twits...

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Without Being Suspended For Targeted Harassment?Questions, questions, questions, flooding into the mind of this unconcerned dying specimen today…

Neocondi Rice Lays Beaner Wreath

Monday, May 17, 2021

At The Tomb Of The Unknown ForeskinIt’s hard to believe that only 16 years & ~ 3 months ago, this blog noted how former National Security Advisor Condomsqueezer Rice laid a wreath at the well-lit entrance to the Tomb of the Unknown Foreskin, inside the Hall of Revisionism, at Nad Vashectumy Holocaust...

Have A Happy Imaginary Christmas Shopping Season

Thursday, May 6, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Sedition December 1, 2008
I bought another GPS at a Gray SaturdayXmas Sale to double check the accuracy of my other GPSes that have yet to tell me exactly where I am, where I’ve come from, or where I am heading that contradicts...

Not Zune Enough If You Axe Me

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Pataphysics, Phlakes December 31, 2008
You have to admire Microsoft for its persistence in avoiding actually fixing anything in its terrible products as it marches ever onward, pushing a cartoon balloon of obfuscating speech in front of it, as...

This Raises More Existential Trick Questions Than It Answers

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Are My Old Twitter Interns Now Monitoring My Blogs?After weeks of nothing from the twits, less than 6 hours after I posted a screenshot of my latest appeal of a suspension for “hateful conduct” by tweeting my usual warped & twisted humor on the virtual cave walls, during our current embrace of a global...

I Can Hardly Contain my Boner

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Do the sodomy statutes cover sex with underage animations?
Asking for the friend of a friend naned Joel
In Florida. You know how it goes.

Did Blagojevich And Palin Provide Octuplet Embroyos?

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phyddling About February 1, 2009
In yet another example of the liberal media playing gotcha journalism with beleaguered politicians, former Illinois Governor Rod “Arrrrr” Blagojovich was asked by e-mail today why he had...

Lon “Hell On Wheels” Cheney Threatens New Attacks

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 4, 2009
Clearly upset at Obama administration executive orders that will prevent him from accidentally shooting anyone in the face while hunting for spotted owls this year, former...

Is Anyone Doing The Math?

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phynances, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 5, 2009
I can’t remember exactly when I noticed that math wasn’t important, but I think it was during the Reagan administration when Paul Fericano and I collaborated...

 Saddam To Be Targeted In Event Of War

Thursday, April 8, 2021

by Joshua Randall 
UNCOMMON SENSE 
Mercenary Writer 
Pataphysical Militia Syndicate 
030226200307402301ETOSAMA61NCNU 
WASHINGTON (PMS) -— Saddam Hussein is featured on a series of new posters issued by the Drug Enforcement Agency and the National Terrorism Task Force as part...

Elections Have Gun Control Consequences

Thursday, April 8, 2021

Biden Cites Good Guy Shortage
President Biden came out with guns blazing this afternoon as he announced executive action aimed at combatting the epidemic of gun violence that has gone unchecked since the early 1980s.
“We’ve allowed the NRA & the GOP to get away with their nonsense that the...

I Have Arrived!

Monday, March 29, 2021

I Have Arrived! Although There’s Them Might Wonder How I Even Managed To Survive!
Published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics February  22, 2009
Last week while trying to become more popular amongst my dwindling cohort of peers, I built an apparatus at my home office work station that, when...

I’ve always liked the cold

Monday, March 29, 2021

It’s Where We’re All Heading, Like It Or Not
Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phynality February 23, 2008
I grew up in New York City, and I fished in the winter for cod, pollock, mackerel, and shark out of small boats, mainly, on Long Island Sound....

This Should Have Been A Tweet

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Protestors Swarm MinnepolisNo coast racial elitists from America’s shit hole belt have descended on this beleaguered city to show their support for the former police officer accused of taking a knee during the Blue Lives Matter Irrational Anthem.

Knowing When To Quit

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Is Always A Good IdeaNo good can come of fighting on after you understand that we are all heading to the same place no matter who we ask for directions.Did you have a choice of the womb you were assigned to, or the continent on which that womb was located, or the assholes who claimed to govern the...

Are We There Yet?

Monday, December 7, 2020

The Election Of The Livid DeadWhen the fuck is somebody going to arrest these dumbfucks, already? We really need campaign finance reform & political propaganda that includes some restrictions on when the official promotion of dangerous horseshit can be prosecuted as a crime against the people. This...

Climate Crisis Awareness

Friday, September 20, 2019

The Global Climate Crisis Awareness First StrikeMaybe a few “responsible” American adults are finally waking up to the realization that their kids are fearless and honest enough to acknowledge what they’ve been experiencing in their short violence-soaked lives. The government won’t save us. Angry people...

Tasty Hates Cakes & Pies

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

What the hateful ateI was tweeting along minding my own business on Monday, when this happened. 
I’m used to semi-permanent shadow-banning on Twitter, and I routinely get sent to the penalty box for embracing the first amendment while savagely mocking the second, but the goons in the twit-pen...

NRA-Assisted Suicide

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Like Jesus, Is Just #AltRightGun control has never worked in America because Americans are addicted to machines that provide leverage or entertainment, no matter how dire the consequences of owning or operating those machines turn out to be. Take the Internet.Oh, yeah, I see you already have.
Most...

Conduct Unbecoming Strikes Again

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

How Twitter Defines Hateful ConductI’m suspended from Twitter again. I’m either in Twitter timeout or Shadowbanned at least weekly, but I find this latest suspension the most fucking oxymoronic yet.
I can only assume that @jack and @TwitterSupport were offended that I was mocking some seriously...

Hamstrung Agonistes

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

One Day Plus 7 Hours Until All Heck Is UnleashedI am on many mailing lists because time is made to be wasted, and among the #BeBest time wasters has to be anything oozing from the House of tRump. Here’s one I got today from Son of Spanky.


People often ask me why I always wear a button...

Spanky's Gang

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Deport Spanky’s Illegal Alien ChildrenWhen Spanky Ubu signs his executive order tearing up the 14th amendment and doing away with birthright citizenship, I hope ICE is prepared to sweep in & confiscate all of Der Donald’s children (with the exception of Tiffany) for being the illegal demon spawn of...

Why Twitter?

Monday, October 29, 2018

Why Twitter Can’t Ban Domestic TerroristsWhile @jack and his crew of #VeryFinePeople keep letting Nazis, white supremacists, Klan apologists and the Wannabe Führer of the United States threaten and intimidate ethnic minorities and average Americans with minority viewpoints, they find plenty of time...

Who Does Your Terror?

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

#MAGABomber Bombs on Big StageWhy will I not be surprised when the connection between Donald Spanky Trump and former male stripper and window sticker addict Cesar Sayoc end up being old acquaintances?I wonder if Trump Charities had Shorty Sayoc perform at Mar A Lago.

Climate Change For Bullets

Friday, December 1, 2017

Regulate Ammo Like Drink ContainersWhen I was a kid growing up in NYC, I remember condoms and turds floating in the East River and Long Island Sound, but still there was local opposition to the construction of sewage plants that slowly cleaned the waterways as the infrastructure was built out. This...

In the beginning

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Are we there yet?I was born an agnostic bastard. My father was a lapsed Catholic, my mother a Southern Baptist. They were born in New Jersey and Kentucky respectively. They met and married at Camp Campbell in Hopkinsville, KY, the nuptials conducted by a justice of the peace. After my father was discharged...

For Huddled Journalists Waiting To Be Free

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Now more than ever...…you need real fake press credentials to distinguish yourself from the corporate, social, and lame-stream media shills who have put the truth in a stranglehold since Reagan made that deal with the Iranians to hold off releasing the Muricans hostages until after Jimmy Carter was...

Boogers

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Reflections on a dragon boogerBy now everyone has seen this odd video about the bryozoan from the Lost Lagoon in Vancouver, British Columbia, eh?

I came across it at Popular Science, which has an entertaining write-up.
What was news to me was that assholes can be either internal or...

#Deplorables

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Do not normalize these deplorable scumbagsThe same irresponsible professional media that shamelessly sold #RussiantRumpRanger propaganda to more than 60 million ignorant, bigoted, cowardly Amerikan voters is now calling upon the outraged rational members of society not to further alienate the vicious...

Still Ain't Got No Papers

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Ain’t Got No Papers On MyselfOne of the great albums from the late sixties was Forever Changes by Love, and this is one of the great songs from that great album. It’s called “Bummer in the Summer."

There are quite a few other great songs on the album, but this one seems particularly relevant...

The Man In The White Castle

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

While the White House press whores snored...…we watched another episode of The Man In The High Castle, which is about what the United States would be like if Donald “Jerkwad” Trump had convinced Russia to invest in this nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) in exchange for a cabinet of deplorables willing...

Bobby Brown Goes To Town

Monday, February 27, 2017

Donnie Drumpf Takes a DumpIf Frank Zappa were still alive, he’d still be working on the master idea behind the project object, maybe even recycle Dickie’s Such An Asshole, but I’d much rather see a contemporary version of Bobby Brown. Maybe Dweezil would give it a try.
Hey there, people, I'm Donnie...

Like Rats Through A Maze, So Go The Days Of Our Lives

Friday, February 24, 2017

Forty mice researchers will study...I was scanning a piece on the latest Space-X mission to the international space station (ISS) and my eyes suddenly fixed on these words: “40 mice researchers will study,” and my mind stuck right there. It could have misinterpreted ISS as ISIS and spiraled out into...

Product Liability Addiction

Thursday, February 16, 2017

In a previous life I was on the CIMA Product Safety CouncilIt was a much easier job than hanging turkeys at the Ralston Purina plant in Springdale, Arkansas. In fact, I don’t remember much about my duties or responsibilities beyond attending a couple of conferences and talking with other people who...

Morons And Their Jokes

Friday, January 27, 2017

A Little MoronismI don’t know why but whenever I think about the great American political system and how it has been continually spiraling into irrelevance since the late 60s, I start trying to remember exactly how the little moron joke goes. It was a joke I first heard while I was still in elementary...

How #Freedumbocracy Works

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Demilitarizing AmurikaThe day after Dysauguration Day, 2017, all of the so-called illegal voters who deprived King Ubu II of the Untied States of Hysteria the popular vote he so desperately longs for were joined by hundreds of thousands of potential illegal voters around the world to protest his installation...

Kancel Kulchur

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Is it time yet for shamer shaming?Has the whole world turned lapsed Catholic? Has Trumpism so firmly taken hold of our great NOMF™ that any unfiltered observation of something visible in the actual world must be condemned and the utterer attacked by mindless hordes of Demoblicans, Independpants, Lispetarians,...

Ammosexuality Is A Perversion

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Uncommonly sensible gun control suggestionsPut a 5 buck deposit on individual units of ammunition. It works to keep idiots from tossing as many bottles and cans from their car windows as they used to, and the homeless would have an additional source of income, cleaning up after drive-bys and good old...

XMas Carols

Monday, December 19, 2016

It’s beginning to sound like we like Auschwitz every time we voteNow that Trump has been twice chosen (first by the rubes in November and today by the rubes the earlier rubes hired to do their dirty work) and is soon to become our naked emperor, it appears that America is suddenly greater than ever...

The One Minute President

Saturday, December 17, 2016

The libtard media still doesn’t get itIf you had read The One Minute President back when the country was run by the wife of a guy with mid-life Alzheimer’s, you would have been far better prepared when the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) of which you are a dutiful citizen underwhelmingly voted to...

A Thousand Shits

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

The post that launched a million shitsHow do you feel about the new normal? When you put your legs on in the morning, do you lace them up one foot in front of the other? If a friend coins another tired cliché, who is the first member of your party to assign it a hashtag on Twitter? When you run out...

ABOUT THE PPOCLL

The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat was founded by Lawrence Nada in a single-wide mobile tarpaper shanty on Mt. Gilead Rd, Pittsboro, NC in 1976, using Alfred Jarry's original recipe.

Committed to imaginary excellence, PPOCLL staff & patients offer #UncommonSense & demand side alternatives to #TheReaganLegacy's #SupplySide #PlantationEconomy & #CommunityPoliceState  which has left the USA so noxious that whales continue to beach themselves on our shores in protest.

USA OFFICE

Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic

Ligi

P.O. Box 398

Banks, OR 97106-0398

CONTACT

drfaustroll@portlandpataphysical.com

© 1896-2021 Faustroll, Ligi & Associates

in conjunction with The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic,

Lounge & Laundromat

& The Church of the Oven of Peace.

Providing Imaginary Cures For Your Imaginary Ailments Since 1896.

Accept No Substitutes.